i've made such an ash of myself!

Life changes have been made...

2012-01-13T21:31:00.000-08:00

...my son became a husband to a most beautiful wife on October 29. Sweet Adie is the partner Cory had been waiting for.

We got to meet Adie in June. She had gone to Washington, DC to visit a friend from college. On the way back to Portland, she stopped in Columbus to meet us and stayed overnight. At the time, I was so nervous about wanting her to like us that I didn't realize what courage and openness it took to make that stop in Columbus.

On the drive from the airport to home, I asked Adie if there was anything she wanted to while visiting and she said "Can we look at photos of Cory growing up?"...so we did. The next day we had the Cory "This Was His Life" Tour of Grandview...showed her all of the places we lived...were he went to elementary, middle and high school...where he had the after school jobs. It was fluffing the quilt to what she had already known about him and the stories she had heard.

I gave her to take home one of my treasured things. It was the Ernie doll that Cory has has had since he was a baby. When I gave it to her, she got it. She knew it was special.

It was hard to give up Ernie. His nose had been sucked and pulled out shape when Cory was a baby. His original google eyes had been replaced at least three times with felt eyes glued on and drawn.

I miss Ernie. He has been to OCTA and Hilton Head and New Orleans (Bob doesn't know that)...just always made me feel better to have him with me...the tucking of the Ernie nose in the crook of my neck...was like a hugging Cory.

The best thing about being in Portland for the wedding...and it was a wondrous wedding...was getting to hold hands with my son...to just touch him.

Brilliant.

I Really Wonder...

2011-11-19T21:15:00.000-08:00

...if I'm getting too old for the physicalities of my job. I moved merchandise and racks from Sunday through Wednesday. The Thursday before I moved MANY boxes of supplies that averaged 35 pounds each...I checked the labels because I thought I shouldn't be having this much trouble moving stuff. Yes...I should have had that much trouble. I just pulled out my calculator and I moved at least 15 boxes weighing an average of 35 pounds which means I moved around 525 pounds of stuff.

...and I wonder why I hurt and don't want to move on my days off.

I know jazz hands and a tap dance...

2011-11-18T20:47:00.000-08:00

...and don't appreciate when they are used at work to sell me a bill of goods.

The bill of goods? "You're so good at visual, I don't want to take that away from you. I believe in letting people do what they are good at." Fine and good...well and true...but this week I felt dumped on.

Tired of feeling that how the store looks is my responsibility. I do take that challenge on...and what pisses me off is that is no backup. It's all about the money...what about me?

Let me explain. I know we are in the business of selling. The goal is to make money. I get that. The real goal is to make the customer feel great about herself and the above follows...at least in my mind.

If the store looks like crap, how can we expect a customer to feel good about herself? It says we don't care.

Pisses me off that making that big sale has superceded.

I Got Scared...

2011-10-11T20:41:00.000-07:00

...because I hadn't been to my little diary for a while. Signing in, I felt like I was dealing with a lot of jazz hands and production...kind of pissed me off.

My son is getting married in little over two weeks. His Dad and I are walking him down the aisle as are Adie's parents. Makes me happy.

How lucky I am...

2011-08-17T19:03:00.000-07:00

...that I have a co-holder of life stories in my life. We have been in and out of each lives...but always THERE. Somehow, I guess we just always KNOW about each other. Sometimes I think I take it for granted...never mean to...just have always felt connected.

Of all things...was watching America's Next Top Model and they were doing a campaign about breast cancer for Ford.

Connie...it made me think of you. You've been through the tunnel.

You rock the world...always have.

At the Midpoint...

2011-07-20T22:02:00.000-07:00

...of TWELVE...that would be...TWELVE!!!...days of vacation. I haven't had this many days off from a job unless it was for medical reasons...or I had been made redundant.

It's lovely and very strange to be at the midpoint...only drew up a list of things to accomplish on Day 10...most of which had been in progress since day 3. Acknowledgement is of goals in progress is good, I think.

My Observations of the Week...thus far...

I had to change bathing suits because my beloved Speedo died...the spandex got really tired...drooped like a five year old's suit after daily use at the shore...miss my end X mark tan lines. Readjusting to new lines...really liked seeing those X's...reminds of going to the beach with Connie.

Fun literature is meant to be read at a pool with a hat pulled own low. This really refers to Cosmopolitan...which I'm not sure how I got a subscription to in the first place...the articles make me feel voyeuristic...but I read it cause I get it. After reading a Cosmo article, I have decided that Kim Kardashian seems likes she could be a person we could sit and have coffee with. I wasn't wearing my sun hat that day.

It's really nice to do the laundry and get it put away. Janet always told me you could always get all the important household tasks done during the commercials...totally true. I really like doing laundry...the doing...the folding..hate the putting away. The commercial rule has made it totally manageable and it had gotten out of hand.

Saturday, July 9, 2011 Finding Friends...

2011-07-12T21:40:00.000-07:00

...is still astounding to me...especially the ones you want to have for life.

I moved so much as a kid...I was always the outsider...or at least felt like an outsider. The best thing for me was that I got to go to Middle school and High school in the same place...the longest I had ever lived anywhere until I got married.

My son went to a small high school. I think his graduating class was one of the largest and it was a little over 100...and it was the perfect place for him to be. If you wanted to do a sport...sign up and you WILL play...Cory and his friends got played in any sport they participated in...had to use everyone just because of numbers. In that lack of "volume", I think something great happened. It gave them the freedom to try things out of their box..

I need to get back on stage because it was pointed out to me "That sometimes it is hard to have a conversation with you because you perform". It hurt my feelings. She knew she hurt my feelings by the comment and apologized for doing so...but it will take me awhile to feel totally at ease with her again.

I have made great friends with three women over the past year. They have all become great friends.

I feel like the catalyst...and the outcast.

My New Girl...

2011-06-12T19:01:00.000-07:00

...is coming on Tuesday.My New Girl is my soon to be daughter in law and this will be our first time meeting. I have only seen pictures and she just has a glow.

I can't wait to hug her...

...and I am feeling insecure and trying really hard to get past it. Erased that line three times because...well...because...I want her to like me and I'm afraid she won't. Every insecurity is bubbling away under the surface.

On Tuesday, around 4ish...I will be at the airport with a sign and flowers for Adie...

...who I can't wait to hug.

My son so loves her. I heard it in his voice.

Courting By Email...

2011-03-02T21:25:00.000-08:00

...with my co-future mother in law is not making me feel good about myself...not because of her...because of me.

She sounds vibrant...engaged...alive in her life. I think I sound boring and maybe come across as shallow.

Maybe I am.

That makes me sad.

Thank Heavens for Facebook...

2011-02-06T17:23:00.000-08:00

...when you have a forgetful child. Through my Facebook page, I found out that my son had gotten engaged. Cory...being Cory...had misplaced our new phone number and my email address...so sent me a message on Facebook. Imagine my surprise...and I do mean that in a good way. My son has been on a track of new adventures of late...bought a house and got engaged. Two huge biggies.

He has been working for a company called Eco-Shuttle (Google it..very cool) that one his friends started and is their Fleet Manager. He works on the buses/vans cars and keeps them going. I think he finally got the Yin/Yang thing in sync with this. He was one of those kids that tested high in science and the Arts...with this company, I think he found his niche and can use both sides of him....the scientific and the creative.

So...about my New Girl. Her name is Adie (A-dee). I have never met her and she was kind of under the radar when I would talk to Cory. He had gone through a break up about two years ago that wiped him out. We would talk and I finally asked him after some months...are you seeing anyone? He said yes but kind of danced a bit...but I could hear a smile. They've been friends for awhile and I think just kept running into each other because of mutual friends...they had started dating and Cory said "I decided to go for it"...meaning get into another relationship...and he's happy.

I emailed Adie to tell her congratulations and make baby step at getting to know my New Girl (please know that is meant with every smile in my body and because I didn't have a daughter and so she is my "New Girl"). What I loved...she responded to my email...and her first sentence was "How I love your son!" Hoe could I ask for better than that?

I want Cory to have what Bob and I have...what I finally found. The ability to accept what other people give you...and you give them...to know that someone knows and sees your warts and toady moments...and still kisses you...warts and all.

How I love that man of mine. He rocks my world.

May Cory and Adie have that same music for the rest of their lives.

My Parents...

2010-12-22T21:51:00.000-08:00

...because I love this picture of them. It's their Christmas card picture this year.

My Christmas Spirit...

2010-12-22T20:59:00.000-08:00

...has not been so spirituous of late, but as I sit here and see snow out my window and the lights from our tree reflected I think it might be arousing.

We had friends over last Saturday to trim the tree and it was lovely. The menfolk did the lights...as it should be. It's a Boy Job. (Sorry, but there are some things that are just Boy Jobs...especially at Holidays. My Dad was the only one who ever put the lights on our Christmas tree...so there you go.) The Lady-folk hung the garland because it involved draping...and well, that would be a girl job. We all did our jobs well and the tree is lovely. Best part...people that I love were there to do this together.

Every Christmas we have lived here...when we bring our Christmas tree home...I always think about the families that lived here before us and the debates about where to put the tree. Our house was built in 1941...so that was a lot of debating. The funny thing is that I think all of the trees probably were in the same spot...it just feels right...like this is where the tree belongs. Tried to put it in different places last year but it ended back where it was meant to be.

Since we have lived here, our Christmas trees have gotten...well...just fatter and more Christmas tree y. Don't know how to explain it. Like that in our present we have connected with the past and all those who had celebrations here long before us.

It is a whisper that is embracing and comforting.

I wish for everyone this next year to have "Wings That Work". That is taken from the title of one of my favorite books "A Wish for Wings that Work" by Berkeley Breathed. He was the creator of "Bloom County" and this was his Christmas book about Opus, the little penguin, and his dream to fly.

This little book reminds me that in each of us lies a big dream...and that our dreams are in our reach...that we can all fly in a way that we never thought we could.

It's Christmas...it's about hope and love.

Go forth and spread joy.

May you always be blessed.

I haven't felt the same...

2010-12-14T21:26:00.000-08:00

...about my job since "the incident"...as I have chosen to refer to it. (Read previous post if that comment doesn't make sense). As an addendum to the story, she returned everything she bought that day.

I don't feel like I am doing my best...working as hard. I think I'm just getting tired. That persons treatment of me just kind of put a capper on it. I was telling my Mum about it the other day on the phone (I didn't tell her when it happened)...and I realized I was physically shaking as I was retelling.

I find myself thinking what's the point? I do get to converse with wonderful women and occasionally get to help them see themselves in a different light...get them to step out of the box and do something different...even though oftentimes that different is wearing a belt.

A couple of weeks ago, one of regulars said a really cool thing to me. I had some funked up so not corporate approved outfit on...my basic black and I was feeling rebellious...so I was probably looking Steampunkish. The customer said to me "You always look great...it could be costumey but it's never over the edge...always interesting. You wear it well". I should have sent her a thank you note.

I put my favorite New Orleans picture up because that moment...in that taking of that picture...it was brilliant. I can still picture everything about that moment...being in the back of that pick up truck...the heat in the wind as it whipped around...us with huge smiles because...well it was brilliant.

I do remember on that drive from the airport that for awhile everything looked good....houses all redone or okay. A couple of blocks later...you would see one house redone and the rest of the block was still boarded up...then there were blocks that were boarded. It was disconcerting...it seemed random.

I love the photo I put up because I felt so safe in that moment.

The Picure of Me...

2010-11-20T20:07:00.000-08:00

...that I posted I keep wanting to take down. A lovely dear friend they like the photo so.

I had a customer YELL at me in the middle of my store yesterday. It made me shake and I was in the back room sobbing. I have never been so verbally attacked...well, yes, I have...but not by a person I have never met before. She told me that I was rude, arrogant, asked her questions which implied she stupid, that I was snobbish and...and it went on to wonderful to levels from there. I was literally shaking. She told me to get away from her and I asked another of ladies to help her. I went to the sales desk because there was a return and the person had kept shopping...I asked the other manager about the return...and the next thing I know the woman is IN MY FACE accusing me of talking about her...everyone in the store was staring. Some of these people I have dealt with...I was humiliated. I WAS SO ANGRY...I had to hold to to the desk because I was shaking. I said to her "Does it it make you feel you feel good to stand here and make me me feel like crap?".

I looked at Joyce and said "Excuse me...I'm off the floor." In the back of head, I saw Sigourney Weaver in "Working Girl". I went into the backroom and sobbed.

I thought somehow I had caused this...done something to to deserve this. I didn't handle something right.

The worst is that I thought I am going to be in trouble because I talked back to a customer. This is going to be a big complaint call.

The worst of it...I went to the back room and cried. She shopped for two more hours with help.

What's wrong with this picture?

My Sister...

2010-11-17T21:18:00.000-08:00

...is a remarkable woman. I wouldn't say that we are particularly close. We have only recently learned to say to each other "I love you" when we end a phone conversation.

We mean it...we know it...why did it take us so long to say it out loud?

My sister and I are so different...yin and yang. She has always been grounded...always seeming to have a plan and knowing where she was going and I was always kind of flighty by comparison. I wonder if I just given more leave to be flighty...but I don't think it's in her genetic make up.

My sister was a teacher. She tells of people coming up to her in the grocery store or wherever and saying "Miss Davis, I was in your class. Do you remember me?" I don't think it's so important that she remembered them...but that they remembered her. She made a mark.

My sister was a tough teacher...and she taught Home Ec and moved to computing when the Home Ec department got cut. She expected the best out of everyone. You were given a task...complete it. She demanded expectations be met...no compromise.

My sister's dilemma...she worked in affluent school district where the students became "clients" and "My child cannot fail". She also worked in a school district at the time when mainstreaming was the buzzword and practice. Good in theory. My sister had a couple of students who were Autistic...maybe Augberger's Syndrome...but they weren't easy to deal with...but she did.

Most importantly, she did it with a lot of physical pain. Her knees are bad...her back is bad...quite frankly she's a mess.

She has no idea of what a mark she has made.

My Dad....

2010-11-14T20:10:00.000-08:00

...asked me about my job when I was home. I had told him a while ago that changes were in the air and that would/could mean good things for me. Progression...growth...maybe getting noticed more. I had told him these things back in June when they were told to me...with the vow of secrecy attached.

In all that has happened to my Dad in the last couple of months, he has asked me about my job and what about the things I was told would happen. The first time was when he was in hospital rehab. I told him that it was still in the works. When I was home two weeks ago, he said to me "You didn't get what you were promised." I answered "Well, it's still in the works and they're making changes"....blahblahblah...because I didn't want to answer "No". I didn't want to answer no because I believed in the person who had put those ideas out there. Now I think it was an agenda.

It's funny about work. I am on my fourth store manager now and I don't think that I have changed the way I do my job...but how I am perceived is interesting. The progression: brilliant;so lucky to have you; she knows about the computers; "fucking idiot"; "I'm not going to look bad because of you"; "You have the talent to go to the next level"; "You really are the one runs this store".

So it means I don't know where I am in my job...except I have one that I have a love/hate relationship with.

If I am honest...I'm tired of being treated badly.

Everybody Hurts...

2010-10-30T18:39:00.000-07:00

...sometimes everything is wrong and you need to sing along. Interesting that this song should be up on iTunes at this moment.

Serendipity.

Going to the parents tomorrow and feel like I am walking into a hornets nest of emotion. The Daddy Bear is home but not sure how well everyone is dealing. Walking into parental lives thrown into total upheaval...and my sisters...and yes, I do know how everyone is dealing. That would be not well and I sense people on the edge.

Feel like I am going into a situation that I am unprepared for...I have to be the grown up with my mother. She needs help...she's falling apart. My mother has always scared me...the words of a John Lennon song playing now "Yes, it's real life...no need to feel alone..yes...it's real love."

Maybe it time to tell Lucille to get over herself.

Going to Cinci...

2010-10-17T22:17:00.000-07:00

...looking forward to seeing my Dad. He is now in a a nursing home and should be back home in a couple of weeks. He's getting stronger and the fog seems to be lifting more and more each day.

I'm not looking forward to the trip because I think I have had my head in the sand about some things. My sister called on her way home today and the conversation was disturbing...not so much about my Dad, but about my Mum.

The most upsetting...my sister said that Mum has said things that made her think Mum is thinking about ending it...I won't put the word out there...but you know what it is. She is depressed. She has been depressed long before this ever happened...this is exacerbating the situation. I have recognized this in her for a very long time...the mirror of myself sometimes. So..I have to gird my loins and tell my Mum she needs better living through chemistry.

I have a strange relationship with Lucille. I have understood her unfulfilled dreams from...well...forever. I have always felt the the burden of what she didn't get to do on my shoulders and I have never felt like I lived up to what she expected. I felt the pain of her unfulfilled dreams...and I have spent much time time feeling like a disappointment.

My parents need to move. They bought the house in 1978 and it's good house. It is their first house and only owned house. When they bought and had the house built, my Dad loved it...Mum not so much. Trying to remember why she wasn't enamored...but she wasn't. My Mum has kind of turned into a hoarder...not like the TV intervention can't move in the house stuff...but I know we will never be eating another holiday dinner in their dining room....just too much stuff on the table to make go other places.

My sister has said my parents need to move to assisted living. I think she's jumping the gun..or I am being naive.

My sister brought up the monetary issue...and it's not good...and we can't help. We live like most people we know...paycheck to paycheck.

I'm scared.

My Dad...

2010-10-12T22:12:00.000-07:00

...is never going to be the Dad he was before all this stuff happened. He gets fuzzy and he was never a fuzzy man.

My sister and I deal with the situation in such different ways. She is the pitbull in the hospital...asking questions...demanding answers. How I admire that strength...wish I had it.

My sister is remarkable. She has put her life on hold (she is retired) but she has put her life on hold to be with my Mum. They have had such an oil and water relationship that maybe this is good thing. They both relinquish power for the good of the whole.

I told my Mum I couldn't be down for a week until the first in November. That was met with a silent moment. A beat...and then "I know you have to work." Made me feel bad.

My Dad's introduction of my claim to fame as being married three times bothered me. I know he was not himself when he said that (and it was funny in an uncomfortable kind of way)...but what came out of him was so in the moment. A Truth. I realized that I am the Black Sheep of our family...took me by surprise.

Formidable Women ...

2010-10-09T19:28:00.000-07:00

...are who my friends are. I was thinking about my ladies and was just gobsmacked at the talent that surrounds me by knowing them...so many different talents. They are creative, artistic...they are brilliant to me.

I feel like I have been letting them down...

My Dad...

2010-09-09T19:01:00.001-07:00

...has to have bypass surgery tomorrow. He's 86 and a healthy 86...well except for this.

Okay..I'm putting my fear out there. My Mum has said that he made comments to the effect of "I've lived a good life"...that makes me nervous. It has been reported that this comment has been made a couple of times over the past year. It has also been reported that Jimmie is pissed because he doesn't golf his age...the man shoots a 91!!!! I told him I have friends that would kill to shoot what he does and they are many years younger. My Dad has been in the hospital since Sunday and is not a happy camper. That's a good thing...he is definitely not being a patient patient.

My fear....

To be Honest...

2010-08-28T23:56:00.001-07:00

...just a tiny envious.. I want to be in a show, too.

My Husband is in a play...

2010-08-28T23:23:00.000-07:00

...and I am not. It was a show I wanted to do...auditioned twice for...and I get it! I'm not right for the part.

But my Bobert is SO right for Mitch...and he has begun to kick into actor mode. This role is a challenge for him...probably one of the most demanding shows he's ever had. I think it scares him...in the best of ways.

Having been talking about this play between Bob, John and I since the first night of audition...this play is an onion...so many layers...so many interpretations.

If you read this, go to youtube and look up the discussion with Natasha Richardson, Jessica Lange, John C. Reilly, Christian Slater..."Glass Menagerie" and "Streetcar" were revived on Broadway at the same time....wonderful observations...particularly Richardson's take on Brando...spot on.

Here's my bottom line...months ago I gasped when I saw someone was doing "Streetcar"...because I wanted to audition...but knew this was my husband's show...he's perfect for the part.

As Rene would say...that was wonderful...now work on it. Sounds harsh in printed words...never harsh in person...you were just pushed gently to do your best.

Glad my Bobert is being challenged...he's going to surprise people.

Monday is Coming...

2010-08-05T20:08:00.001-07:00

...and I can't go on Sunday...this would be to auditions for "Streetcar Named Desire". I have so been fluctuating about going to this audition that I gasped when I saw it was on this theater's season SIX MONTHS ago! I am going Monday.

Bob has started to read the play and I think he would be a brilliant Mitch. He was to the end of the first act and said to me "You know...you have a lot of Blanche in you" and I said "Yes, I do". I don't think we were talking about the same things...but it's true.

I know my physical limitations...meaning I know I'm not pretty...and I think people see Blanche as pretty. I wish I were thinner go into auditions...I guess I wish I were a number of things going into auditions...pretty, graceful, tall,, willowy...well...that ain't gong to happen by Monday.

The cool thing is...I see her differantly than I did when I auditioned for the part many years ago...I wasn't ready then.

I just want to give it my best shot.

What am I THINKING....

2010-07-31T21:03:00.000-07:00

Lovely Jack..

2010-07-17T22:35:00.000-07:00

...is in our charge this week. Our friend Toni is spending the week at Chautauqua on a business trip. Her company is sponsoring writing workshops this week and she got to be the designated person to go. Brilliant!

Bob and I get to be Auntie and Uncle to Jack, her dog. Toni is a "back door" neighbor...and the other night I went to her house and Jack met me at the door with a small jump up and a walk away..."Oh, it's you" kind of moment. Happy wagging of tail involved but pretty much a family moment. Jack is having a hard time adjusting to our not frosty apartment.

Toni loaned me an iPod for my forays to the gym. YES...I have joined a gym and I am going to a softer version of Maqdonna arms.

Which goes to another thing...dealing with people in mirrors everyday. It's hard anymore to talk to someone without looking at them in a mirror. I always hide
out side of the mirror's range..usually behind a rack...my head poked around. The mirror thing has happened because that is the image this person is seeing...the one in the mirror. The funny thing is that the mirror image is so false. In my whole store we probably have on reasonable mirror...the rest are fun house mirrors.

I hate working around mirrors all day and have learned to avoid them...hence forth the poking of head. Even on my best dressed feeling days, I can go into work and catch sight of myself in any one of our SIX mirrors and dissect myself...and I always feel the scalpel.

What I Wish...

2010-07-01T21:18:00.000-07:00

...is that I wasn't worried about my Dad and that Cory was here so I could hug him. I miss my child's Tootsie Roll thumbs. He has thumbs that are round at the top and skinny in the middle...they remind of the tootsie roll pops.

I wish my child would give it up and call his Grandpa. Both sentimental, caring, stubborn men who love each other...and someone needs to figure out a way to make nice.

My Fuzzy Picture...

2010-06-21T21:45:00.000-07:00

is my little freak flag flying with my Committee. Find the picture disturbing, funny, comforting, intense and not necessarily in that order. I think the picture captures me with my friends...Kathylynn...we had this moment Thursday and I loved holding your hand and laughing...Connie...you and I have had many such moments...DooDah to the infinite power.

Thank you to all of the Committee Members in my life.

You so rock my world.

2010-06-18T21:08:00.000-07:00

I think...

2010-06-18T20:38:00.001-07:00

...I might be owning my freak flag.

....meaning I think I really like where I am right now...it feels like a cusp...like a season of change awaits. It feels kind of scary.

I have a man who I adore who has told me at different times he hates my haircuts, he hates my tattoos, he hates my pierced ears...but these comments don't matter because this man would turn the world upside down if it was in his power to protect me and keep me safe. He is always encouraging of me to push myself...to take risks...to follow dreams. He gets mad at me because I stick my self.

I love that I have a Philosopher and a Dreamer for a husband.

Facebook can be wonderful....

2010-06-16T18:39:00.000-07:00

...but it can make me feel bad. I still feel sometimes like I am having my hats (which I did wear...suede newsboys caps...wish I had them now) hit off my head on the school bus every time I wore them by the "cool" girl next door. It's funny...as I type this I can so remember every time that that happened...I tried to diffuse the situation and pretend that "HaHa...what a funny joke...blahblahblah"...the stuff you say you say so you can just get off the bus with some middle school/freshman year of high school dignity intact.

We moved to Syracuse when I around 11 years old. Another move...another time having to make friends...again. There was a group of kids that lived in the apartment complex where we moved and me, being the needy little puppy wanting to be part of a litter, tried to jump right in. This was a tough crowd to try and break into.Mind you, they were apartment dwellers like my family...which meant you were an Army brat and your Dad was doing some job that meant you only going to be there short term...your Dad did some job like my Dad which meant you could be moving soon...or you just lived there because that's where you live. It's funny thinking about this and looking back on it with different eyes.

I always thought I was a middle of the road fit in kind of girl...and looking back I have always marched to my slightly left of center drummer. Nothing extreme but just enough to get your hat hit off your head.

I make the joke about "I may not do marriage well, but I do divorce great". I have never stopped loving my ex-husbands. The love has changed. They are part of my family...the distant relatives you are happy to see when your paths cross but who you don't go out of your way to contact.

So...I wonder what I am really typing about.

I guess it's this. I always have had a freak flag to fly. I guess I always knew it...i.e. continuing to wear hats that were going to be smacked off my head...and I stuffed it down for a long time. Sometimes because of partners, most times because of me.

I may not love what I see in the mirror everyday...that age thingy...but I love that my flag is slowly rising up the mast.

I Really Like...

2010-06-14T15:23:00.000-07:00

...that I have this little space in the big internet world to put down my thoughts. I have always liked writing and somehow putting down thoughts here makes me feel a little like I am writing.

I suppose it's actually more of a journal. I have tried to keep a journal and it never works. It made me feel like I was trying to make something of nothing or I was pretty much beating myself up. It's easy to do that when you know that no one (hopefully) will ever see what you have put on paper.

So...I share my thoughts here...and an occasional rant.

I never really thought that anyone would read it and never expected that anyone would but I know there are a couple of friends who do.

Thank you...that makes me feel good.

I thought there would be more time...

2010-06-06T18:45:00.000-07:00

...my lovely Connie said to me today. We were talking about the loss of a friend who was instrumental in both our lives...it was because of him that our lives intertwined some 29 years back.

We always think there will be more time. It is our flaw as human beings. We long for it..we yearn for it...and yet we take time for granted. It's not that we take time for granted. We take our relationships for granted. It is so easy to put them on a back burner. Without the people in our lives who love us, cry when we cry, buoy us up when needed and celebrate our victories...and yes, give us a big reality check...and we hopefully do the same for them...what is the point?

But that is the point. To know that you have had a remarkable person in your life...who put their hand print on your soul...who made their mark and changed you forever.

I challenge everyone with Rene's words..."That was a choice...but perhaps there are better choices to be made."

Go forth and find your best. He always did.

Thank you, Rene.

You rock my world.

I feel..

2010-06-05T19:39:00.000-07:00

Kicking to the Curb...

2010-06-02T21:23:00.000-07:00

I remember after we moved in and there was some piece of furniture that we needed to have go away. I mentioned to the neighbor that we could just put it on the curb and put a sign on it and it would be gone. His response "Not in this neighborhood".

At the time, his response took me back....that would be a bad thing to do.

I am a garbage picker from way back. I appalled my husband when we lived in Delaware when on a walk I found a perfectly good just needed painted wicker chair kicked to the curb. I carried it home happy as could be and he walked paces ahead. This was new to him. The rescued much loved chair went through three color changes and had a happy life with us.

We will have been here three years come August and what I have learned is that everyone kicks stuff to curb and knows that someone will make it go away. We just live in a neighborhood that has a better class of stuff kicked to the curb.

Life can be lucky that way.

Begin the Beguine...

2010-06-02T20:27:00.000-07:00

...and my to do list has been started. Hung sheets and pillowcases out on the clothesline and brought them back in on the same day! Bringing laundry in on the same day is a big deal.

I have had experience with clotheslines in my past. I love them. I like taking the clothes out in a basket and enjoy the act of putting the clothes on the line..the satisfying way the clothespins snap in your fingers and hold the fabric...and I am notorious for not bringing the clothes back in. If I had a nickel for every clothesline of laundry that got rained on and or redirtied from dust...well...I could...okay...not a fortune...but STILL!

I wonder why do I do this...the lingering of the clothes on the line? It's not hard to bring take stuff off the line...it's more work if I leave it hang there...and I have faded many an item of clothing leaving it on the line.

A clothesline means comfort to me...my Mom had one at certain points. My Grandmas did. I think my Grandma Egloff had one that was run between buildings in East Pittsburgh...I may be romanticizing but I think it's true. It gives me warm fuzzies to see the fabric waving in the breeze. It's somehow tradition and security all rolled into one...and that's why I hate to bring the laundry off the line. I

...except for this particular clothesline.

I think it's a little rebellious to have one in our neighborhood. I don't think our neighbors mind because I think they interpret it as "greenness"...they plant gardens and lay patios (she...not he...did it and I was so impressed!)and ride bikes and...well...I have a clothesline.

It feels like tradition with a little rebellion...I like it.

It'll make me get the clothes off the line on the same day.

My To Do List for Summer...

2010-06-01T21:02:00.000-07:00

...in no order of importance.

Hang wash on the clothesline...and bring it in on the same day.
Use my roller skates on a regular basis.
Ride my little bike to work at least three times. I do love my streamers...thank you, Joyce.
Get a pool pass and use it at every available opportunity. I want serious...at least for me...tan lines come September.
Visit our parents at least three times each.
Get more sleep...and get another set of pretty Shabby Chic sheets from Target to wiggle myself into. Even though they will be really pink and flowery, Bob thinks they feel good, too.
Find a place to Karaoke comfortable enough that all our friends will get up and sing...it's good to be stupid with friends.
Use all of the vacation time I have accrued...a pipe dream...but a good dream.
I want to visit my child in his hometown of Portland.
I want to audition and get cast in "Streetcar".

Most important...

I want a summer with the people I love and want them on our porch, in our kitchen, around us...with us.

What could be better?

Been thinking about it...

2010-05-30T21:40:00.001-07:00

...and just want it to be known...

In my nine years with my company, I have probably "given" at least two weeks of my time. Time that was never acknowledged...and if it was...it was "promised" back.

What the hell was I thinking?

Reading...

2010-05-24T07:53:00.000-07:00

...my comment in my last posting about having to prove myself made me feel I was being a tad self righteous...therefore I rethink.

Don't we all have to prove ourselves everyday?

We do it at our jobs, with our loved ones, with our friends...in our everyday existence. We do it by doing the best that we can...by trying to be best of what we are.

My Bobert is a great teacher in doing his best. He probably doesn't see that about himself but I do. He is there at the ready when someone needs him. A while back our friend Molly was running a high fever and feeling crappy and scared. Bob went to the drug store and got a care package of what she needed...and added his own get better fixes...Gatorade and crappy tabloids. (Trust me...reading the National Enquirer when you're sick somehow does make you feel better.) He is just a force for good...even when he has a dark day. How I love him so.

I don't feel like I have doing my best lately...so yes...I need to prove myself...mostly to myself.

Not quite feeling up to the challenge but I'm gonna try.

Is it wrong...

2010-05-22T21:02:00.000-07:00

...to want a life that matches your friends? Meaning you have the same hours. I always feel a half step out of every one's life. I wonder if it it is worth it. I have given away so much away of the things I am passionate about to a company who I think doesn't really know I exist. I am an employee number that is sent a pay check...I am a body that moves the store around...I am dispensable.

After nine years with this company, they are NOW hiring within. After nine years with this company...seven of which under a Napoleonic manager...I NOW have to PROVE my self.

QUITE FRANKLY, IM'DONE!!!!!

I am tired of of y'all coming in and playing dress up and I have to pick your clothes up off the floor...and I mean OFF THE FLOOR! How special you are, that every thing you tried on can be discarded to the floor.

I am over people treating me like crap because I don't go fast enough...meaning you have have been trying stuff on for three hours and...OMG...you are SOOOOO LATE.....and I am suddenly being so slow at doing my job....and I get angry thrown at me.. Happens a lot....A LOT.

Here's dilemma...customer complaint...long term customer...REALLLLLY UNHAPPY! It was the store manager who treated her badly. What do I do with this information? Rock and a hard place.

We generally pay our part time people appallingly not enough an hour and expect them to be our beck and call girls. Our store has a great team...we've been together a while...we are in for the whole..and I don't think any of them are paid their worth...

None of us are.

I think my company feels we are all disposable commodities. Without US in your stores, you are just a TV commercial ...a magazine wish list.

I feel a rebellion bubblng to the surface.

What was....

2010-05-09T20:45:00.000-07:00

...your best moment on vacation? John asked that tonight. I said riding my little faux surfboard really far into shore...I felt brilliant on a two foot wave.

Actually, the best moment was Connie and me in the car after lunch at the cool rest stop in West Virginia (the name starts with a T and the name is gone and I am getting SOOO old). A mishap with seat belts and gum made us deeply belly laugh for at least five minutes. It was the best moment because it was so us.

Thank you Connie...for so many things.

For wanting to go on vacation with me and inviting me.

For sticking with me when I have disappeared.

For sending me home from a rehearsal where I was totally screwing up...almost quit that night and put my script in your door...what stopped me was I loved you more and I wanted to do my best for you.

You are a force to be reckoned with...even if you don't think so.

My real favorite moment of vacation is us on the deck at the house...just talking. Loved it.

You are the Intelligentsia and I am the Flake...we complement each other.

So to Connie...

Thank you for your company. I've missed it more than you know.

You are perfect. Just as you are.

Observations....

2010-05-07T21:24:00.000-07:00

....gleaned from the Island

While sitting on a beach, there should always be small children in big hats nearby to watch as they run to the ocean with their Mom chasing behind. Short little legs jumping in tide pools is thing of joy.

God did a really good thing when he made the ocean and sand.

Every vacation needs planners and go with the flow-ers. I am definitely a flow-er. I hope I didn't make my planners crazy.

You do need two weeks and not because of travel time. It takes a good two days to get into the rhythm of where you are...especially going from North to South.

Breaking things (like a bathtub water stopper drain thingy) doesn't have to be a moment of panic. We panic because it's not our house and we (I) felt like I broke the house. You do what you do at home...find someone to fix it.

Really nice, thick bath towels are thing of beauty and wonder.

Breakfast should always be eaten overlooking a dock on the ocean with an open window nearby so you can smell the sea air. Watching a family trying to kayak while we ate was a bonus. We all had fun.

The Metropolitan martini bar had closed. Made me sad it wasn't there. Was looking forward to having a Sex and the City moment with Connie...reminiscent of my first visits to the Island. Kay, Connie and I having a drink there....talking and laughing. Connie, Amy and I having having a drink there...talking and laughing. Realized I was trying to capture a feeling...that going out dressed up moment of being with your girlfriends...

Rocking chairs should be a requirement on every porch. They encourage conversation...and the wonderful comfortable silences. I will find one for my porch.

Going into the ocean with a piece of glorified styrofoam will make you want to hit that "perfect wave" and ride into shore. Granted the waves may be three feet...but I did catch a good one and I laughed like a loon. It was just freeing and perfect.

Hate jelly fish. Was out in the ocean and saw a dark spot floating close to me....jellyfish...couldn't move fast enough away. Saw big ones washed up onshore from the low tide. Saw a product in a store I wish I had bought...Jelly Fish Squish...it was a spray for jelly fish stings.

I made the comment at dinner one night that there could be a business opportunity in the peeing on jelly fish stings...what a great comment to make to make a good impression on your friends beau. Still think it's a valuable defintiely male dominated service...better aim.

I can't miss you....

2010-04-29T22:05:00.001-07:00

...if you don't go away. It was something my husband said to me the first time I went away for vacation with my girlfriends. It was his way of saying go and have fun and do those things you do with them because I don't get and you need it. It made me fall in love with him all over again.

I'm off to Hilton Head tomorrow with one of my oldest, bestest, dearest friends. We never seem to see each that months have past...but to me it never seems that way. She is always in my thoughts. I don't think she believes it but I do have conversations with her in my head..meaning stuff happens and I think about she would react to it and what she would tell/advise me...I'm glad we can pick "us" up...it's good to know that someone has your history.

We are meeting up with our friend Amy...my longest friend...known her since college...I get to meet Amy's beau for the first time...Connie has met him before...and well, it makes me nervous. It makes me nervous because Amy is in love with this man and I want to make a good impression. I know that seems silly...

I remember the first couple of times Molly and Bob were around each other. He so pissed her off and ruffled her feathers...he can be a bull in a china shop....he is SO missing the conversational censor chip sometimes...his innocent heart and my explanations have him getting slapped upside the head more than he knows.

He loves the ocean. Wish he were going with us...but we would make him crazy.

Next year, I'm taking him to the beach.

Eleven Days....

2010-04-19T16:33:00.001-07:00

...and I off to the Island with Connie and meeting Amy and finally get to meet Charlie.

I am looking forward to spending hours in the car with Connie and catching up. We have not seen each other in an obscene length of time. It never seems as long a time as it actually is to me because I always have conversations with her...albeit in my head...and I know that sounds a little insane...but it's true. She is just always with me.

One of the greatest things about this vacation is that I don't have a cell phone. Which means I have to call my husband in the old fashioned collect call...bet you haven't done that since college or in a major emergency. I don't even know if I remember how to call collect but I will find out. The second greatest thing is I don't have a cell phone and enough said.

I am so looking forward to spending time with Connie and Amy and sighting gekkos...they seem to be our good luck charm. Every time we have been to Hilton Head, we have daily gekko sightings. The last time Connie, Amy and I went there was one waiting for us in the kitchen sink and we knew it was going to be a good week...

...and it was.

Been thinking...

2010-04-13T19:11:00.000-07:00

...about my girlfriends and how important they are to me and how they just spark my life.

A couple of weeks ago I went to have drinks with my ladies at the Chocolate Cafe. It is place that does chocolate everything and they have a small apertif area (BAR) and make the best chocolate martinis. They make a tequila martini with chocolate drizzle that is...well that is all you need to say "I am slowed down and this tastes good." We all got there one after the other and just fell into the conversation. Some of these women I have known for a few years, some of them are newer friendships.....but what I loved is that everyone just meshed. We all laughed so hard.

This group of people has energized me in so many ways.

I adore their company.

Going back....

2010-04-10T21:04:00.000-07:00

...and reading previous posts is an interesting venture. One word keeps popping out at me. That word is sad.

I'm striving for gleeful...joyous...at the very least content. Sad needs to be banished.

My son...

2010-03-26T17:51:00.000-07:00

...got crapped on in a relationship. The emotional part happened about three months ago. This was a three year relationship and they had been living together for a year and a half. My child called me at work and was sobbing...gut wrenching sobs. He had been blindsided by the breakup...specifically the words from her "I just need my space". He loved this woman with all of his being.

I met her. I liked her. We never spent much time together but anecdotes he had passed along made me think she got him....they got each other. This was good match.

He called me yesterday with a string of very, very bad day stuff. He got a call from the car people (the car is her name but he cosigned on) that two car payments were missed. Pay now or we repo the car (which is in another city). He called her...she was expecting a tax return (never rely on government timing) and had to pay rent instead. God love my child...he understood. He paid the car payment but then he also had a call from the gas company because that bill was late. He called to try and make arrangements but it was in her name so he didn't have any power to do negotiate. His gas got cut off. He was scrambling to pull things out....and it was a time that we couldn't offer much help financially. That makes me sad.

He wasn't asking for help. I just wanted to give it. He wished he had been prepared. Finances were part of their issues..as I understand, she hadn't really worked for awhile....he was trying to pick up the slack.

I just want my manchild to be happy.

Steam...

2010-03-24T21:30:00.000-07:00

..I'm running out of it. I just need a week away from work. I get lucky and have two days off in a row next week...a luxury.

I have vacation coming...going to Hilton Head with a best friend first week of May. Have my short timer's calendar but not sure if I can make it til then. Just feel tired and drained...I work retail..well, that explains it.

Worried because I don't feel great...not bad just not great...don't think I have ever felt really great since my New Orleans pneumonia bout. If your boss comes to work with pneumonia...how can you not? Not a good precedent. Could be on the verge of a body crash and burn...looking forward to Sunday and Monday.

A friend told me....

2010-03-23T16:39:00.000-07:00

..while talking about my desire to audition for "Streetcar" that she saw Blanche as a big woman...she wasn't really talking stature...she couldn't explain it. I think she was talking about presence of energy. Her comment was "You would have to find a differant take on the role". My comment was "I would be the tiny little moth flinging itself at the light bulb".

That is how I see Blanche.

Auditions are in August. She sits in the back of my head.

Watching...

2010-03-12T15:59:00.000-08:00

the sky mottle with lavender pink clouds that are deciding if they want to become a storm. The clouds matched my mood today. I have felt so off balance and fragile all day long and working retail on a day when feeling so...well somebody is going to up in tears.

And I did. The good thing was that it happened in our backroom so I didn't feel like a total out of control lunatic. The bad thing is that it happened at all.

The best thing that happened today was that a woman who had never shopped with us before come in looking for things for a trip to Italy. She was open for suggestions so I chose some things for her to try on and she had at it. She came out of the dressing room and I could tell she was happy with the way the outfits were looking. I asked if she would try a belt. She said sure. I asked if I could put it around her (we are trained to ask so we don't invade personal space) and her reply was "Sure. It's always nice to be hugged." Her comment resonated with me because I often wonder when I am helping someone on with a jacket or tying on a scarf if this is the only physical contact this person will have today...the thought that could be true makes me very sad. She bought some new clothes and TWO belts and was happy when she left. She really did look chic in what she bought. I don't even remember how much she spent...and really didn't care...what was important to me was that she liked how she looked. I could see that on her face in the mirror. Thank you, Miss Susan, for reminding me I do like about my job.

The worst of the day...the divas were out in force this morning. I played Babe in "Crimes of the Heart". In the play, a cousin asks Babe why she had shot her husband and Babe's reply is "I just didn't like the way he looked." The first diva stormed our store and within five minutes of her arrival, I could beaten her severely about the head and shouldar area with a hanger and my response would have been Babe's. There was something about her that just instantly set my teeth on edge. She just stormed in and was announcing by her attitude that Ms. Coolness had arrived. Joyce, my co-assistant manager, stepped up to help her...she'd helped her before. Ms. Cool loudly announced that she wouldn't come in this store if it weren't for Joyce and Karen (another co-worker). So...did she not see me? Was she trying to make a point? Was she letting me know that I am shit in her view? Actually, she probably didn't see me because most of the time we are just ghosts... who if you ask customers when they are checking out... neglected them and never talked to them even though every single associate in the store asked them if they needed a dressing room, can I help you find something...blahblahblah. Many customers think they can treat us like shit because they are doing us a favor...they are spending money in our store.

What I regret about ever taking this job that I have a love/hate relationship with...is it has made me view people differantly. It has made me not like them so much.

That makes me sad.

Tis the Winter...

2010-02-11T19:52:00.000-08:00

...of my discontent. It's just a nagging niggling feeling of...discontent. Best way to describe it is I feel like I am on some sort of cusp....some sort of change...just kind of out there whispering to me.

It's time to be creative...pick up my pencils and paint...get back on stage.

Need to motivate.

I had a great night....

2010-01-30T22:54:00.000-08:00

...with two of my best ladies. We were at Molly's comfortable cozy nest with a fire in the fire place....an aside....brilliantly LOVE that there are APARTMENTS to be found in our area with WORKING fireplaces. We laughed until our faces hurt and so hard that...TMI (didn't but couda....y'all have been there).

We talked about so much...about work, about Frankie Tux PI...that was an in the moment thing that can't be translated but makes laugh after the fact...about the news, about everything.

About relationships.

Molly and I want to smack our friend John really hard upside the head to look at Toni. They would make a photo op couple but beyond that...they have so much in common. He doesn't see it because he is stuck on an ethereal looking woman who is socially inept and an intellectual snob. His comment about why it doesn't work is that they could never walk down the street and hold hands...just the rhythm never got in sync.

My Mum turns 80 in a few days. It shocked me. That means my Dad will be 86 in April. I think of them as invincible somehow. I think my Dad sees himself that way...I know he does on the golf course. It has so pissed him off in past months he has scored above his age. This has only been a recent occurrence but Jimmy ain't a happy man.

I have meandered...I have no closing...yes, I do. Tonight made think about relationships and how important they are. How important it is to make connections. I often wonder when I put a belt around someone if that is the only time that day that someone has a physical contact with them?

I'm a person big on hugging and kissing. My husband sometimes not so much. I tell him "Think of all the times when you wanted to have someone to kiss and hug and there was one there...well, I'm here". He gets it...it's good to make him think.

Things I have embraced today:
1. It is okay to go from you jammies to a bubble bath to your robe without any other major activity in your day. That was pretty much my day guilty and then...
2. Parked my butt in my robe on the Ikea chair enwrapped with the snuggy thing with arms (AS SEEN ON TV)...fell asleep to the hideous behaviours of thye women on "Bridezillas"
3. Bob kissed me and told me go have a good time with my girls. So I did.

I think today was everything I wished and didn't even know til looking back.

How true is that.

Triggers to your memory....

2010-01-29T15:39:00.000-08:00

...can be so random. I just read an entry from a fellow blogger. She talked about the Vietnam Memorial and her visit there. It made me remember the feelings that I had when I was fortunate enough to be cast in the play "A Piece of My Heart". The plays deals with the Vietnam War from the womens perspective...the characters were nurses, USO dollies, a career Army officer and a USO entertainer (Mary Jo Kincaid from Texas...who I played). The play followed their experiences through the war and the turmoil of the years after.

I had grown up with the war as part of my landscape...it was on the nightly news every evening and it was...well...just there. When you're a kid you don't really understand that something you hear about everyday can be a horrible, devastating reality. If you hear about enough...it becomes a drone...background music.

My sister was of the age that friends from high school would have been drafted. I don't remember that any of her friends were but I was still in the childhood bubble. When I got to high school, the draft was done, the rumblings to get out were mighty, and US involvement was limping to an end. The situation never quite had hit home.

Flash forward 25+ years and I am cast in this show with a brilliant group of actresses...some of whom I had worked with and some not. We start into rehearsals and the rumblings about sending soldiers to Iraq has begun. Betsey's Dad had been in Nam and everything became intensely personal for her. We talked about the protesters holding candlelight vigils in the green on the way to rehearsals (and this is not a community that would have seemed to do such things) and just the trepidation...the fear.

The play was taken from interviews of women who had lived this...we had a responsabilty to these people. Each night at rehearsal, we immersed ourselves into these womens lives...their pain and their hope and their memories. We bonded into such a tight unit. We were all scared about what could happen if we went to war...yet it seemed so surreal to be doing a play about an unwanted war while facing the prospect of another.

The final scene of the play takes place at the Wall. The first time that we did the scene in performance...I GOT it. I understood somehow what it meant. I can't explain it better than that...I just somehow understood what it meant...how it changed the people who were in country forever and how those changes paid forward in so many ways. I can't even fathom what is for someone to actually be there at the wall and touch a name.

Thank you to my fellow blogger for being inspiring and reminding me.

Auditions...

2010-01-26T16:38:00.000-08:00

...have been posted by the local theater companies. I have ignored them until recently. I miss acting. I miss the process...and I never thought I had a process but in coaching John...apparently I do.

In coaching John for "Inherit the Wind" it made me realize how I work as an actor. I have never really understood my process...that's not true. I work from the inside out. There has to be something in that character I recognize in myself....something I have to say. I wasn't trying to push that on John...he is always a man of questions...just wanting to help him embrace his virgin acting experience and know that it does MEAN something. You are making a connection. It matters.

I did "The Heidi Chronicles" years ago (played Heidi) and remember driving to the theater on opening night and just beginning to cry uncontroulibly My husband at the tine was cool about it ...knew me so well...it was what I needed. When we got to the theater, another of the actresses was on the floor in the bathroom with an icepack her nose...she got stress nosebleeds. Yes, we do suffer for art.

I am lucky to have done parts that have changed my life...have changed me. I found these women I played at the time I needed to play them. The parts I played have pushed me forward...helped me grow.

There is an audition coming up for "Streetcar Named Desire"...I know I'm too old and not pretty enough...but I KNOW Blanche. I had auditioned for the role once before...wasn't cast and it was a blessing. Could not have emotionally handled it.

I just want to audition...to prove to myself I still have my chops...still have my
nerve (I hate auditions)...

Still have something to say and willing to make my self heard

Haven't been here in a while...

2010-01-08T20:40:00.000-08:00

...and have just read what I wrote in November. It is now January of 2010 and I feel so out of the loop about so much.

First off, I couldn't figure out why there was all this stuff about the decade...the past decade this...past decade that...until I finally noticed...2010...new decade. Time has just been swirling like the flush of a toilet. You just do what you do and then it's gone....swooosh.

I have been feeling depressed. I think that I need to make an appointment with my doctor and have little better living through chemistry. Don't know what has set this little bout off and wish I did. I keep thinking if I could only figure out that thing....

...but I do know what that thing is. I haven't felt creative in so long. I was so proud of Bob when he was doing "Inherit the Wind" and glad that I could help with costumes and so enjoyed coaching John...but I miss having my own voice. I can feel that tug at my soul...that need to express something...the need to communicate...to be heard. I feel like I have become a shadow of me...so many parts of me I am not engaging.

I remember years ago I did a show and one of the other cast members said to me "You have no idea of the power that you have." I remember just looking at her, gobsmacked. I don't think of me as powerful but that's because I am afraid of so many things. I learned at an early age that acting what you felt or not doing what others wanted led to humiliation and ridicule...best to avoid conflict. There was a moment many years back that I felt like I was coming into my self...that was the strongest I have ever felt in my life.

It bothers me more than I let him know that my husband does not want me to talk about work. I work retail...I work with women...there are problems and he's fix it kind of guy and I DO understand why he doesn't want to hear it...but I still need to talk about it. I know I get boring. When I blab about work, I'm trying to make my self heard.

I think that's it...I am feeling like I am not being heard.

Listen to...

2009-11-12T21:40:00.000-08:00

that voice that keeps repeating things people have told you. In this case the words that keep repeating are "she's a backstabber." It has been in the back of my head since I havehad dealings with this individual...didn't want to believe it and still don't want to but she showed her pants a little...and i am a little disillusioned.

Feel I am being unfair but now think I need to guard my back. Thought the playing field had leveled...wish my work environment could become a Communist Nation.

Not going to happen...it's retail.

Beginning to seriously question why do I do this?

2009-09-16T17:43:00.000-07:00

I don't think I like myself very much...wasn't really taught how to and maybe had five minutes of acceptance of self when I saw a counselor years back. Can we say time for a tune up?

I did actually start to go to another counselor about ten years ago and was cut loose after two sessions because my insurance coverage wasn't going to cover what the counselor thought was appropriate. To this day, I'm a little angry at her. I'm not even sure why...maybe I had boring problems and it wasn't worth her time to deal with me.

I think everyone should get at least 10 free counseling tickets when you are born...they could be put into the bag with the diapers and stuff you are sent home from the hospital when you take your baby home.

The world would be better place.

Our House...

2009-08-10T22:45:00.000-07:00

is a very, very, very fine house. We had people over on Sunday and John described our house as being "magical".

Our building was built in 1941 and has all of the beautiful, quirky (by today's standards) architectural details that either drive you crazy or make you drool. I find myself wearing bibs as an accessory since we have moved here.

There are moments when I think to myself moving from room to room doing mundane things how much I love all of this space.I wonder as we sit on the porch with our friends about all of the people who have sat on the porch before us. I know that they had the same warm feelings about the people around them, the same laughs over shared moments, the same things we do and share care about with the people we love in our lives.

It's nice to know we are part of a continuum.

I'm still a kid inside...

2009-06-28T18:50:00.000-07:00

and I am fooling myself with each passing season. No, I am really not. I feel myself slipping into the grownup faze of life...and it's not so bad. I think it has to do with work. I have a new store manager who expects a lot from you...but is willing to give you the support and guidance you need to accept the responsabilty.

My way of dressing is changing...I think I am into a mode of reinvention.

I realizes...

2009-06-10T23:04:00.000-07:00

I am still not cool. No matter how much I wish to sit at the cool kid's table...it ain't ever going to happen. I just don't have that cool on line cache.

Better experienced in person...in the moment.

Pretty okay with that...need to stopping checking Facebook.

A friend died...

2009-04-19T18:59:00.000-07:00

this week. He was not a close friend...he was someone Bob and I knew through the Black Horse. His name is Tommy. He worked as a bartender at the Fawcett Center and was one of the gentlest people I have ever encountered.

His death has upset me.

Tommy, I hope that you are walking on that warm Florida beach you talked moving to. Roll up your cuffs so they don't get too wet and pick up beautiful shells for all of us.

I will miss your smile.

Two Days Together...

2009-04-02T21:05:00.001-07:00

...off is a rare thing in retail...especially recently with our company. I am getting the feeling that the company is wanting anyone who is in a management position to pretty much be willing to live at the store and bleed Chico's.

The big buzz phrase currently is accountability...as in "You will be held accountable". What does this mean...really? We are expected to make phone calls and have appointments and get people into the store. But what happens when you do everything correctly...everything the company asks you to do and people still are not coming into the store or if they are, they are trying stuff on and not buying. How am I accountable for that?

Gerri that I work with called me tonight to tell me that she had her biggest dollar sale ever. The sale was $2000+. DAMN! I was so happy for her because our store has made our plan for the month and that means that any money we make from a sale is doubled...which means she will get $300...a very well deserved and much earned $300.

So... what I really want is three or four days off. Two never seems enough. The days go so fast and I never get done all of what I want to get done.

I think I am just tired...doggedly tired and feel like I am constantly playing catch up. Sometimes because of my schedule Bob and I don't see each other except for minutes at a time.

The end of the month we are going to New Orleans with friends and I can't wait. Still doesn't seem real.

I am behind...

2009-04-01T18:35:00.000-07:00

the times. Just when I was getting into the blogging thing everyone goes to Facebook. I have found two people on Facebook who I have missed for eons and had relegated to that part of our life we remember yet forget...but here they are. That is the cool thing about this whole computer thing which I have no clue of understanding...really never want to understand...it's just some scary magic that happens.

Good Morning America did a segment some weeks back about the Internet and what we have available to us now versus ten years ago. It has been spectacular leaps and bounds. I remember Bob getting his computer and us hooking it up. I remember going into Chat Rooms and I wrote poetry with someone. I was so computer illiterate and I was gobsmacked. It felt creative, it felt fresh...and now chat rooms seem to be something to avoid. I still remember "talking" with people who were up late at night and just wanted to share their thoughts about their day or their opinions about a subject. I think the day I had the poetry moment Moon Zappa was in the same chat. It all felt positive and creative...and now going into a Chat Room seems like going into some dark space. No more poetry...it's just pretty much out front "dude41"...what ARE YOU WEARING????"

I think everyone should do the crossword puzzle. We have all lost our knack of language. i have always loved words. I love the sound of them...the musicality..the dissonance...I love words. One of my favorites is anathema. It is one of those words that sounds like what it means....I understood the sound of it but it toook me4 years to look it up and means just what it sounds.

I miss that this isn't something anyone reads anymore, but if anyone does...I appreciate it.

It's my Carrie Bradshaw page...just like Bob always said,

Drinks After Work...

2009-03-21T21:19:00.000-07:00

are a wonderful thing. I closed tonight with Vicki and we went to the Rusty Bucket for after work apertifs. Vicki is the coolest person...she is strong, funny, grounded and at times has been my sounding board and has always offered good advice. She came to Chicoland while she was still working for Chase in a management position. Her insight has always been invaluable to me.

Bob and I went to see "Virginia Woolf" last night. I had auditioned for the part of Martha (see past blog) and wasn't sure how I felt/feel about the show. I had done the part of Honey years ago with a stellar cast...at the time, I remember feeling like I wasn't up to the rest of the cast....like I wasn't pulling my weight. The whole rehearsal process of the show I was involved with was an adventure and a terror and so much fun in the DRAHMA of the whole thing. Norm, who played George, almost had a nervous breakdown...maybe not really but he became paralyzed with fear a couple of times in rehearsal...so many lines...didn't realize until last night how much George is on stage. I always thought the play was about Martha but last night's production was about George. I didn't agree with some of the choices made in the production but I think it's because they came at it from a differant angle.

Ii was singing and dancing at work tonight. We have finally gotten a good CD with stuff even the customers sing to...it also made me realize how much I want to be acting again. I just want to be out there and saying something, and expressing something and connecting. That's what acting is to me....it's connecting. To the people on stage with you...to that moment...to that quicksilver moment that is magic...to that one moment in however many performances that you hit some truth...of life...of yourself...it is an indescribable feeling...and it is rare. When that magic happens...when you have connected with your audience...you have told a story and gotten people INVOLVED....that is brilliant. To be a part of a show that has touched people...it is such a high and so humbling.

Ii remember years ago when I did the show "Fifth of July". It was maybe the first weekend of performance and one of my fellow actresses said to me " You have no idea of the power that you have."

The only place I have felt totally fearless and safe is onstage.

Pain...

2009-02-12T23:12:00.000-08:00

My husband has been it for the past week. He has a tooth that needs be pulled due to a root canal gone bad and has had a hurting mouth, head...where ever that little sprout of pain wants show up...for the last four days. He has dealt with all of the hurt remarkably...but about this kind of stuff, he does tend to be stoic. Doesn't totally go into the cave. Needs small cuddle and then retreats. I feel bad for him and there was not much I could do for him this week except give cuddles and know to go away when he was growly.

I hope he feels much better when the offneder is removed.

It's nice to have some one be proud of you

2009-01-24T21:21:00.002-08:00

...and when it is your husband, that just rocks the world. I know that we are really alwyas proud of our other half (that really is a truism...he knows me so well)but he is an actor as well and actor types get critical of each other...even when they love them. (The joke that is SOO true...How many actors does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 100...1 to do the job and 99 others to say they could have done it better).

Neither Bob nor I was cast in Virginia Woolf. I was so proud of him and wished the director had read him more. I wish that I had enough guts to stand up and ask if he would read us together...would have been fun.

I got the best rejection letter that II have ever had from an audtion. It made me feel like maybe I'm not so bad and do have some clue as to what I am doing acting wise. The best part...Bob has been bragging to friends about my good rejection. He even told me he was proud of me the night of audtions...as I was of him.

Bob and I both are really starting to get the bug again...I think that means we both have something to say.

I Auditioned...

2009-01-12T20:14:00.000-08:00

...and it felt so good! Emerald City Players had auditions for "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?" last night and today. I had been enhcouraging Bob to audition. I think he would be great for the part...he needs to back on the horse...(he is a wonderful actor and hasn't audtioned for anything since he had to drop out of a show 5 years ago)...and I wanted hin to go for it.

Bob is an actor who loves the audtion process. He loves the immediacy of it, he loves the energy, the competitivness, the whole shebang...he just loves it. I, on the other hand, do not. I always feel like I am not giving enough or making connections with the other person auditioning...in general, I always worry that I am not pleasing someone enough. Acting...life...huh...not so much so differant.

On the way to auditions, Bob asked me if I was going to read. I really didn't know until I got into auditions. Martha is a part that I have always wanted to play but don't really think many people would cast me in. I'm small and she is bigger than life.

There were audition forms...I filled one out...I read. I don't think I did too bad...okay...I did really good. At least I went for it...I may have been over the top but I got to say her words at least once in front of people. I went for broke in my inappropriate outfit of saddle shoes and overalls...it just felt so good to be doing this strange thing that I have a passion for.

My Bobert did a tremendous read and I am so proud of him. He is scared of the lines..and George has a shitload. Having done the play so many years ago, I know George is such a hard roll for an actor. I know he can do this and I thought that he was the best person that night.

I wish that the director would have read Bob and I together. I wasn't real clear where he was going with auditions but that is his call and I don't have to know.

On the way home, we were talking and Bob said he didn't want to be cast and I really can't do the show...well, I could if work would cooperate. I think we both want to be cast and I want to do it with my husband. I think we could handle it.

More than anything...I want him to be cast. He would be tremendous and it is a role that he would have to work at. I think he's ready.

I am just glad I got to say the words out loud.

A Tribute to Ohio State Football Championships...

2008-11-15T20:25:00.000-08:00

How long have you and Bob been married? It is a question I have been asked (often)and I would think hard and the answer would be be "UMMMM....I don't know"...cause I didn't. I know the day that we got married (November 16) but not so much the year.

So here is the tribute to Ohio State Football.

We were married in the home of our friends, Tom and Kris. They have a beautiful, gracious Victorian with a foyer at the bottom of a grand staircase (where we held the ceremony) and the guests started arriving. The OSU-Illinois game was on TV and they were watching. I was waiting upstairs and could here the cheering...all the ooohs and ahhhs and nooos and yeahs. There is a knock at the door of the room I am in and my stand up Connie comes up to say the game went into overtime...okay a little postponing...it was maybe 6:15. I don't know football...how long can this last? (It was my wedding day....I forgot TV football time). Connie back upstairs to tell me the game went into a second overtime...I could hear the much louder OOOH!..YEAH!.. much clapping and cheering and everyone is having a great time and I am looking at the clock and it is now 6:45 and I am getting a little nervous because I am a little superstitious and was concerned about being married on the upswing of the clock. (In case you didn't know, it supposed to be bad luck to get married on the downswing.

The Ohio State Buckeyes did their job...and our ceremony started at about 6:50. It was a lovely ceremony and I can just picture it in my mind's eye...so much warmth and happiness and people we love around us.

Bob and Bruce were talking and we finally figured out that we got married in 2001 because that game was part of the undefeated season and the Buckeyes won the Big One in 2002. We've been married longer than we thought or would have guessed. I think that's a good thing.

Here is my tribute to Jim Tresell...thank you for the upswing. Apparently you are a great motivator...at least in my mind.

I'm Really Special...

2008-11-12T16:08:00.000-08:00

...so I can do things the way I want. This unfortunately was the credo of the day in Chicoland and was hurled at me by one of my co-workers.

We have a Friends and Family event that starts tomorrow and there were to be no pre-sales...nothing was to be rung until tomorrow. Of course, my co-worker was the exception to the rule. She asks if the Friends and Family discount can be applied to her customer today (of course she asks in FRONT of the customer after she had rung everything in) and I tell her that the discount doesn't start until tomorrow. She tells me she cleared it with our new store manager and I didn't think fast enough to call Gwen (the new SM) and ask. The sale was over $2300!!!! In honor of MAPS, we applied the discount and I seethed. The customer thanked me sweetly and then proceeded to tell me how her dog Bow was being so generous and good to her by buying her all these lovely things. Yes, indeedy, you did read that correctly. I complimented her on a lovely ring she had on today and she told me that Buttons (her other Bichon) had bought it for her. She talks like this all the time and quite frankly, it just really creeps me out. These kinds of comments are only charming if a) you are 90something years old b) three years old or c) seem to be missing some of the playing pieces on your upstairs gameboard. She would be none of the above. This woman is an aging trust fund baby (yeah for her...and I do mean that honestly) who is a spoiled princess. I swear to God this woman could out Blanche Blanche DuBois! She has elderly friends (who are also our customers) who came to pick up boxes for her when she moved. FOR SIX MONTHS!!! She called to make sure that we held the boxes but never picked them up herself...even though she was in the store numerous times and we told her we had boxes. She told us the other people would pick them up. I am not sure if I mad at her for not picking them up because she apparently is too precious and delicate for such tasks...mad at the elderly couple for coming numerous times to collect the boxes...or just envious that someone can be that manipulative of people (let's face it...it's a gift that should only be used for good) and then pissed off that I feel that way!

So yes...another rant from Chicoland. I was pissed because I got backed into a corner (although a GIANT step for me...I did tell my co-worker I was pissed...told her why...and watched her backpeddle all over herself because she knew she was being false in what she was telling me)...but the bottom line is...tomorrow, when I talk to Gwen (who's mantra is to follow the rules), she will probably be unhappy with me and possibly chew my butt a little. I don't blame her. I am pissed at myself for not being stronger in the situation but I am pissed at my co worker for taking advantage of the situation and in sense me.

I am tired of people not playing nice in the sandbox and I really hate when the other kids pee on my shoes.

At least, I had my Doc boots on today. They are pretty pee proff and let me tromp at least a little.

A Love Letter...

2008-10-20T13:37:00.000-07:00

...to my husband. He probably will never read this because every time he has read this little missive his response is "I already knew that."

I came across a picture of Bob that I had taken when we lived in Delaware and he was sitting on the porch. The picture is blurry and not the best but to me it is everything that he is and everything that I treasure about him.

I love his openness and innocence and wonder at everything...but it is coupled with a grown up awareness. He has an integrity that just emanates from him. He always tries to do his best and very near to all times does. He rolls with the punches.

He is a realist...he is a dreamer. Sometimes I see those things clash within him...and now I understand why he was a Philosophy major. Oh, those little epiphanies of life.

He worries more than he would wish and probably doesn't think that I know that about him...and understand because I chew on everything and he gets that about me.

He chastises himself about his bad habits and tries to correct them and frequently does...he is so much better at taking care of himself than I am...and he worries about me because I don't so much take good care of myself. I have a tendency to be a candle at both ends. It bothers me that I worry him.

I admire and love his tenacity.

He is such a brother to his friends...and I am glad that he found his Twin Brother of Different Mother, John. They understand each so well.

He has the best laugh and is not afraid to share it. I love that I tickle him by talking into his neck and he hates it and loves it at the same time. Hates that it tickles, hates that it is annoying and he laughs anyway, even while pushing me away.

He is a man in the moment...and he has left places abruptly leaving people to ask and ponder "What about Bob?" I always thought it one of his charming quirks...but could be upsetting to others...even insulting. He has know thought to include the goodbye portion of the program...being in the moment does not always mean deference to social graces...but he knows himself and we should all take a lesson on when to leave from the master.

I thank whatever fate in my life that brought us together. Neither one of us has an idea of how long we have been married...I do believe it is in the five or year six year range...but we know our anniversary day...November 16. (We had to postpone our ceremony slightly because our guests were watching Ohio State play whoever in a championship season and it went into two (I think) overtimes...anyone who knows me would know how ironic that is)...if you know the game and year...let me know how long we've been married.

To steal from Joni Mitchell:

He's a singer in the park
He's a walker in the rain, he's a dancer in the dark.
My old man, keeping away my blues.

He's my sunshine in the morning,
He's my fireworks at the end of the day.
He's the warmest chord I ever heard...

Thank you, Joni Mitchell...how I love that man of mine.

My world rocks because of him.

Am I Doing Something Nice....

2008-10-18T19:39:00.000-07:00

...the right reasons? Do you ever wonder that when you put yourself out of your way for a work colleague? I do...but of course I question and doubt myself at least 85% of the time on any given day so why would this surprise me?

Our new store manager started this week and she seems very nice and a good fit for us. She seems to have a very positive attitude and definitely is used to being at the top of her rankings in any company that she has been with previously. I get the feeling she will expect that from us and the store but doesn't seem like she will kill us to make that happen.

The good thing I offered and am doing...tomorrow begins my vacation but I am going in to do markdowns. It could be a big bunch of markdowns but I am going to be doing them with Gerri and I know we can get them done in a couple of hours. Gerri is like the supreme worker bee on speed. That woman could probably get the whole store marked down and placed by herself in three hours....and we don't have hand scanners...so we are talking a LOT of touching and hauling of clothes.

ANYWAY...the reason that I had said that I would come in and do the markdowns was because there didn't seem to be anyone else because we also are supposed to move the store around tomorrow. Fine and good but did make me feel a little cranky that I of course was feeling responsible and guilty at the same time....blahblahblah.

Gwen (our new SM) called to say she was running late because of a phone call and lost track of time and was on her cellphone, on her way (she is a Chatty Cathy which I can appreciate and relate to but is a trait that will drive a couple of our ladies crazy). In the short conversation we had she bubbled out that she had gotten tickets months ago to the Cincinnati football game, they were expensive, she was going to take her grandson who is 12, and she was late because the phone call entailed trying to find someone to take the tickets because she was going to be working tomorrow. I talked to Karen, we looked at the schedule, and called Gwen back to say "Don't do anything with the tickets". When she got to the store, I told her that I would work until mid afternoon which would give us the same floor coverage if she had been here and that she should take her grandson to the game. She seemed a little surprised at the offer but happy about it.

Phrases that made my mind up..."tickets bought months ago"..."my grandson". When she told me he was 12, all I could think of was Cory's relationship with my Dad at that age and all the stuff my Dad did with him. The fact that she was taking her 12 year old grandson to a football game...and that he was cool with going to a football game with his Grandma and was upset when she had to tell him they couldn't go...well, that cinched it for me. The grandparent/grandchild relationship is really important and I want her to have that before her grandson gets to be 14 and turns into a teenager...God only knows where boys minds go between the ages of 14 and 20...but they don't often think of grandparents.

So I did a good thing by being in the store a couple of more hours tomorrow.

Here is the query/quandary? Did I do a good thing to be nice or was I sucking up...or just worried that it looks like sucking up? I know the answer and it is about appearances...and really how it appears to only one co-worker...and that is because I have seen her applying a whole lot of Chapstick this week.

Meow.

Happiness Runs...

2008-10-12T20:18:00.000-07:00

...and it did tonight. Friends came over, lawn chairs in tow, food packed and ready to share...and John was cooking steaks. We were on the patio until the skeeters got too bad and we moved inside. The food was fabulous and nothing is better than steak and summer salad dishes on paper plates eaten with plastic silverware and a side of great conversation.

We all moved out to the Tree house and eventually turned off the lights and were lit by the brilliant moon. We all got so silly. We were making shadow puppets on the wall and singing Simon and Garfunkel and some other spontaneously stupid song that we cannot remember what the heck it was but everyone was singing and we were laughing until our stomachs hurt. It was brilliant. Bob thought was that turning off the lights makes everyone free...to be stupid and childlike and just be okay to be you.

It was an evening to savor and love for the connections and the moments and just because everyone was IN THE MOMENT...it just seemed an affirmation of the good people and things in our lives...in my and Bob's lives. We were with family.

I wish you all the best for the coming week. Rock your world and love the people in it.

What Goes With This...

2008-10-08T19:04:00.000-07:00

one of my customers asked me as they were holding up a pair of cotton and spandex blend pair of BLACK pants. After I looked at her quizzically and she back at me the conversation went as follows:

Me: Do you mean was there a specific piece to match it?
Her: I guess so.
Me: No, there wasn't. What kind of a thing are you looking for?
Her: Something to go with these. (holds pants out to me)
I am thinking...actually screaming to self...THEY ARE F'ING BLACK PANTS...ANYTHING WILL GO...and instead of voicing that opinion asked...
Me: What are you looking for? A sweater?
Her: I don't know...
Me: A jacket?
Her: I don't know...
Me: Casual?
Her: I don't know...

We're starting to see a pattern here...and as we begin our tour of the store and look at every piece with black print in it or a black that didn't match the particular black of the pant, it became clear that she wanted sale merchandise only and only wanted to spend no more than $70...well and good and that was a good thing to know. We found her a jacket that was on sale that looked great on her...showed her how to put a belt on top of the jacket and I could tell by the way she looked at herself in the mirror, she was happy and felt cool and pretty. Mission accomplished.

...but why does it have to be so hard? If she only wanted sale (which is what I look for) why couldn't she say that off the bat? Did she think that I would not be helpful or nice to her if she told me that? Maybe that was her thought process...and that kind of makes me sad.

Part Deux of Strange Little Monkeys in Chicoland...and this one was Flying because she had been at the Rusty Bucket with her girlfriend. I admire and applaud and miss and lust for girlfriend time and lunch/dinner and shopping is the best girlfriend time ever. (Connie and I blew off Sunday excerpts at OCTA for Girl's Day at Easton) I am believing though that when the sales person can smell your alcohol content two feet across the counter...you may want to rethink your shopping expedition. We found this person what she wanted after a little confusion at my interpretation of what she was looking for and that was all well and good. Her friend pipes up as the woman is checking out that she has a coupon that she can use....we could look it up.

We have changed our coupon policy so that you can only use your own and not look up someone else's because of "Privacy Issues" (i.e. the company finally figured out that people were abusing the system...NO DUH!) I explain that I am sorry but we can't do that any longer blahblahblah...and then the following conversation ensues...

Her to Friend: I know Verna Gibson who was the President of The Limited...
Friend: Who?
Her: Verna Gibson...she was the President of the Limited and now is on the Board of Directors for Chico's. I know her. I was her Financial Planner...God, the Chico stock sucks...I would have thought it would be doing better now that Verna Gibson (who I know) is on the Board of Directors...

I do believe that I heard the name Verna Gibson at least ten more times and fuck it, I took the stupid $20 off for the friend's coupon. I didn't tell her that I did it and she will probably never even realize.

I hate it that women can come into our store and stomp their feet and know that we will buckle because God forbid our District Manager gets a complaint call. That is anathema in Chicoland.

I don't like being bullied and that's what she was doing to me.

I hope she feels like crap in the morning.

The Fight...

2008-10-05T14:31:00.000-07:00

...over bedding has become an issue in our house. I like to crawl into a bed...well, crawl isn't the best description...I suppose slide would be better...into a bed that is tucked tight enough to be an envelope. Bob, on the other hand, wants to be free. When he gets into bed, the first thing he does is kick the sheets out at end of the bed. All well and good and part of marriage. I have learned how to make a bed and only hospital corner one side and not grumble too much when I make the bed in the morning because it always needs remade like you are changing the sheets.

Our bedspread has become a bone of contention. It is pink gingham with two big ruffles at the bottom and I love it. Bob has put up with it because I love it but the warfare with the bedspread has begun. Every night it either ends up heaped on my side of the bed or totally banished to the floor because he gets mad at it...which for some reason just pisses me off. Logically, I know that I am being irrational...he is insulting my pink bedspread and my efforts to bring pretty into our bedroom!!!

Bob is all about form follows function (did I ever mentioned that he was a Philosophy major...which to me equates with he majored in thinking...which to anyone who knows me means that he and I really ARE ying and yang). His explanation of the fight with the bedspread is that he never slept under one and it's too heavy.

Okay, that makes sense and is logical...

...and I am okay with that...

...but I still want the pretty bedroom that I never had as a kid. I wanted the white furniture and the canopy while my parents bought the furniture that was utilitarian classic dark wood that you would be able to take with you when you grew up and moved. My sister and I both took our bedroom suites into our grownup lives.

My friend Molly recently saw our bedroom and liked the pink bedspread and wondereed how Bob felt about it...it does take a real man to deal with pink gingham. I guess I kind of blew the question off...

We are now sleeping underneath a quilt and a blanket.

Compromise and love are wonderful.

It's 5:00...

2008-10-05T14:19:00.000-07:00

...and I am still in my robe. I do feel a little guilty about it but if the truth be known...not so much. I have taken a bath, the clothes I intend to put on are ready to go...I just haven't gotten around to it. I have been doing little projects but not really the stuff that I really need to be doing...like the laundry that is overflowing or picking up my clothes in our bedroom because it looks like my closet has regurgitated all of its contents. (Have I mentioned how patient my husband is about that kind of stuff?)

All in all, I am having a lovely day. Sitting in my litle computer room I get to look out at the change of season and listen to music and it makes me happy. It's brilliant.

I hope that y'all are having an equally brilliant day.

I Would Like to Thank...

2008-10-03T20:14:00.000-07:00

the three or four or more ladies who asked me this week if I had gotten a promotion and was now the Store Manager. I wish I had told them how much that question meant to me... to explain the delight and satisfaction to me that they saw me that way. To a couple of them ...who are regular customers and I see often...I laughed (kind of loudly) when they asked me. They looked puzzled... and I explained that our company doesn't usually hire within. They loked even more puzzled...like our company was crazy. ( That so feels like bragging to me.)

...and their puzzled faces made me believe I must me doing something okay. (Another uncomfortable little moment.)

I am having a good month as far as bonus goes and I am thankful for it...yet I have not kept track of persons who those brilliant sales were from so that I can continue to call them to keep them informed of the wonderful, unique, supreme quality Chico's clothes comng to the store near them...and nor do I want to. I can be annoying enough in person ...I do not need a telephone as an accessory to annoyance.

Bottom line...I hope that the customers were happy with what they purchased and it suits their needs.

Isn't it funny how we reveal the truth when we least expect it and have little epiphanies? The above line was a way earlier part of this writing that I somehow thought I edited...but there it is...and that is what I believe about my job.

I want a person to come back to my store because she felt good after she left...not because she felt hustled into buying a bunch of clothes that benefit the salespersons bottom line but are going to hang in her closet.

In the grand scheme of things...

I don't want to swim with sharks. I don't have a wet suit nor a stun gun and I am very afraid of chum in the water. (It's a retail thing...if you've experienced it, you know.)

I think I must have been an Elf and and a Communist in another life. Maybe that explains a lot.

I Forgot How Much...

2008-09-24T18:11:00.000-07:00

I love making costumes. A friend from work is going to a conference and a costume party with theme is involved. It is a required event at the conference and you have to have a costume to get into the party. (She works for Highlights for Children magazine) and was bemoaning to me one night at closing how much she hated the whole costume thing and had no idea what she was going to do and I piped up and said I would make her a costume. (Being an actor, I really don't quite understand that someone wouldn't jump at the chance to put on a costume.) The theme of the party is Enchanted Forest. We decided (well, basically me...but she agreed) that Morgan Le Fay would be a great character and Toni was happy.

Today I was off and it was my day to go shopping for costume materials. Since I said that I would do this for her, I have been in a tiny little internal panic. I haven't made any sort of costume for years and my internal mantra was quietly roaring into "What was I thinking???".

I used to do a lot of costuming for community theater and always loved it. Community theaters never have big budgets and most of the time you are wearing your own clothes onstaage or finding your own stuff. I just always loved the challenge of doing something workable on the ultimate cheap...explains a lot about the way I dress.

I found what I needed today at Half Off Everything Day at my favorite thrift store and went home...I felt more engaged in a process than I can remember feeling in a while. I started sewing and loved it. I had made a sketch and what I actually have started to put together looks like what I had in my mind and put down on paper.

I feel like I am having a "Damn, I am so cool moment!" and that is not at all what I mean to be about. What I am really getting at is how joyful being creative made me feel...the fact that I get to do something for a friend is extra wonderful.

I feel like I have been alseep in so many areas of my life because I have let work take over everything. No, I don't think that is probably correct. I just get afraid to try stuff and do stuff...even stuff I used to know how to do.

So here I am looking at a costume that I have made and that I hope Toni will love and feel great and beautiful in and wonder...

What the hell happened and where did I go?

A Season of Change....

2008-08-05T20:35:00.000-07:00

has begun at my little Chicoland. Cherry, our store manager, has formally announced that she is retiring at the end of August. It is as if a weight has been lifted in so many ways.

Just to recap, Cherry broke her ankle last October and was off work and out of the store for five months. In that time, Joyce, Karen and I were essentially running the store...and we did a good job. It was good for me because I did feel like I stepped up to the plate and I must admit I felt kind of good about myself. That is a very hard thing for me to admit. We maybe only hit our sales plan two out those five months but everybody's business was down.

Flash forward...Cherry came back parttime in late January and things have been chaotic ever since. Scheduling became a nightmare in the extrme. Karen had been doing the schedules in her absence and after a slight learning curve, our ladies were happy, liked their regular days, and we were within our payroll hours. Cherry took over the schedule when she got back and it became not pretty. Our store has 225 base hours per week for payroll and she would schedule 249. I am sure she had her reasons for doing so but I sure didn't understand them.

The worst part is that Cherry got nasty when she came back...particularly to me and Karen. She has issues with Karen because Karen had been acting as a manager in her absence and her technical title is "Sales Lead" which translates as she can open and close the store but really doesn't have decision making power. Karen knows the ins and outs of the store as well as any of us and is a savvy business woman. She was a district manager for the company that handled Nina Ricci and Carolina Herrera fragrances. She knows her way around retail. Since she has been back, Cherry has picked apart every management type of decision that Karen has made and keeps reminding all of us "She is not a manager". She was in Cherry's abscence as far as Joyce and I and our ladies were concerned. On many occassions, Karen was the voice of much needed sensibility and reason.

As far as her attitude to me...whatever I did... it was wrong. I thought I was being paranoid and insecure until a couple of comments about her behaviour to me were passed in my direction...from our ladies. It was nice to know that I wasn't making mountains in my head and I became very glad that I am short and can hide behind the racks. It got to the point that I hated going to work and almost felt sick about having to be there on the same days she was. It's awful to feel like you are screwing up royally and have no idea why. This is retail...not brain surgery but I swear if I put a pair of pants on a hanger, the way I hung them would have been wrong in her eyes. Logically, I knew none of this really had anything to do with Karen or myself. The talk among our ladies was "She is acting nuts and needs to take meds or up her dosage."

So Cherry has made her announcement...and the weight has been lifted. She has been so much happier in the past week and is more like the Cherry that hired me..the person who encouraged, had an easy laugh, and was just fun.

Retail is not an easy job...at least in my store. It is hard, physical labor. I heard the story when I was off for my foot surgery of the woman hired who lasted two days. She was a customer that we had hired...and she was shocked that she had to run the vacuum cleaner and clean the mirrors at the end of the night. (I guess my working at Cedar Point the summer of the Bicentennial and having to bleach the patios and change the fryers every night has tempered my view of "glamourous jobs"....I was in college expectations were low and we got to use the beach.)

The bottom line is that I am glad she is leaving...not for the way that sounds. She didn't want to come back, had been talking about leaving before her accident, and just needed this time back in the store to make closure. She has a granddaughter who just turned a year and she wants to spend time with her. She misses being with her family...her son is in town, but her parents who she worries about are in Toledo and her daughter is in Lexington....and the epiphany I just had.

She's a widow of 19 years and is turning 62 the end of this month.

She's just worried about time.

Things I Want to do this Summer....the Update

2008-07-22T15:44:00.000-07:00

It seems that July is whipping through the winds even faster than June did. In an earlier post, I listed some things that I wanted to do to make summer seem like summer. The Update....

1. I can't find my roller skates. I know that they are here SOMEWHERE. I rode my bike instead and almost ran into the side of the garage while riding out of the garage. I also clipped the bushes in the driveway. I think my skates are hiding from me for my own protection.

2. I haven't read Tolstoy in my bathing suit but instead chose Edith Wharton (three books thus far). I decided I would have to go and buy the Cliff Notes if I read Tolstoy...oh hell...I'll just read the Cliff Notes and forget the books.

3. We have had three impromptu get together cookouts. Our friend John grilled the most incredible steak a couple of weeks ago...I can still remember how good it tasted and I am definitely not a foodie. Laughed so hard at these little fetes my face hurt.

4. I have gone swimming twice and even have a nice little X tan line on my back. Gotta love the Speedo tank suit.

5. Haven't laid in the grass and looked at stars but have sat on the porch and dreamed. Still feels like being in the Adirondaks sitting out there and I am still passionately in love with this apartment. Bob takes his time falling in love but he's coming along.

Hope everyone is having fun and doing exactly want they hoped to do this summer.

Dinner...

2008-07-03T21:26:00.000-07:00

Bob and I went to dinner last at Figlio's. Lovely little place in Grandview. Small, charming, good food, not horribly expensive. We are always fascinated by the lovely dried roses that are spiked upside down to the wall as art. Simple, beautiful, elegant and one of those things you see that makes you think "I could do that". We could because Bob grows beautiful roses...we just haven't found the perfect wall space to put the "I could do that" project into practice.

As we were leaving, I ran into the mother of Cory's best forever friend. It took me a moment to recognize her...it was one of those moments when you know someone and it takes a moment for the Rolodex in your head to flip through the pages...I know that I had this perplexed look because I didn't place her right away. Seeing her just brought back such a flood of memories.

Carson (that is Cory's friend) was the best kid. He had the most infectious laugh when he was little. He and Cory became friends in Kindergarten and Carson spent alot of timme at our house and Cory at their's. I think back and know that Cory got the better end of the deal. Carson's family took Cory to Chautauqua TWICE...we took Carson roller skating and to see Mel Brook's "Men in Tights". I oo remember Carson leaning over to me during the movie and saying "This really isn't very good, is it?". I just looked and nodded. I guess what I mean to say is that Carson got the beer experience with us while Cory got to taste champagne with Carson's family.

...but it never seemed weird. Janice and Karl are two of the loveliest most generous people in the world. Both supremely intelligent and just...nice. I did tell Janice last night that I never called Karl (and probably never will) anything except Mr.Peterson. He would come to pick Carson up and there would be this large man...a larger than life presence ...and I would always call him Mr Peterson. He would say "Call me Karl" and I would usually answer "Okay...Karl. Mr. Peterson". That answer was always met by a gracious booming laugh. She laughed loudly, and I don't think she's a loud laugher.

Your kids lose touch with their friends, just like we did. Luckily for Cory, he went to a samll high school and since graduation there has been a steady flow of the Grandview Gypsies to the Portland area. The friends he grew up with from a young age are the people he hangs with now in Portland. Having moved so much growing up, I admire that consistency of friendship. You find the people you need and love and want tohang with even if it means moving across country. One of the first things that Janice said to me was that Carson had been out to see Cory. I guess she and I know how important thhis friendship is to them...more than they know.

A side bar about the Grandview Gypsies: you know the scene in "Sleepless in Seattle" where the flight plans were crossing? I swear for awhile that was how it was between who was going to Portalnd, who was coming back to Ohio. which meant a new apartment and moving every couple of months. It got real confusing.

Janice said something great to me last night. Her comment was "Cory was always just the most wonderful kid". I do think she glowed a little talking about himj ust like I do when talking about Carson. I loved her son and she loved mine.

We have both raised men that are as we both hoped they would be. Even though I never knew Janice well, we both had our hands in. Our young men are better for it.

Remind Me....

2008-07-02T15:48:00.000-07:00

...why am I in retail? Oh yeah, it's because they hired me when I needed a job. As you know, I REALLY do like the job. Then come those things called holidays. Sorry...the soapbox is coming out from under the desk and I am going to stand on it.

We are open on the Fourth of July. Unitl 7:00. It sucks. It sucks because I have to work, but in reality that is a minor point to me. I really am offended that ANYONE has to work on the Fourth. What has happened to us and our society?

Growing up, I remember the Fourth of July as a time to be with family and it meantto mean something importanht even if I was too young to understand when I was little. It seemed to be a holiday about honour and hope and celebration. Now it just seems like an excuse for stores to have three day sales.

I have had customers outraged that we are open. The frequent comment is "In THIS community?". The Upper Arlington celebration is a big tradition but it should not just be about one community...it should be about everyone.

I can understand drugstores and even grocery stores being open part of the day but why a clothing store? Why Macy's? Why JoAnn Fabric? These are not stores that provide anything that you need to live. You CAN wait until Saturday to return that top or buy that spool of thread.

Back to my situation...because I think it is typical of so many. Our headquarters is closed except for the skeleton crew that works the help desk. Yes, I am happy that our Everydayman gets the day off...but are the big wigs who make the decisions to be open going to be at the stores working? NO. Are we going to get stern messages on Saturday because business wasn't as good as "they" think it should have been? YES> How much differance is this ONE day going to make in the life of a company? Quite frankly, if one day matters that much the company has been screwed for a long time.

Here is my challenge to anyone who reads this little missive. Our customer service number is 1-888-855-4986. If you think ANY store being open is on the Fourth is inappropriate...call and tell them. I know that you will have to refer specifically to Chico's being open but that's the number I have. Go on the web. Find other store numbers. Call them. I want the holidays to be special again...for all of us.

The soapbox is back under the desk.

I hope you have a lovely Fourth. Independence is the sweetest thing and we all are blessed who have it.

I can't believe...

2008-06-17T19:58:00.000-07:00

that it already June 17. Where has the time gone? That statement makes me feel old...didn't our parents say that? Now we say it. I suppose because we too are getting old...well, older.

Today was one of those perfect spring days. I loved watching the sun dance with the clouds. I also thought about the time going quickly and not wanting summer to slip away...it sometimes has a tendency to do that when you work retail hours. As I type that, I realize that the hours are not the cause...it is me. I don't feel sometimes that I am present in all areas of my life because I get so drawn into the stuff with work.

I had a conversation with a friend a couple of days ago about his job. He is a store manager for Subway and is REQUIRED to work at least 50 hours per work. I was taken back. He is okay with it because of good benefits etc. But what the heck is wrong with us when working fifty plus hours a week has become a requirement and more and more a norm?

I remember the first time I went to Hilton Head with Connie and Kay. We had gone to a bar at Marriott Hotel that was on the beach and met a Dutch couple who were on vacation. They had started in Detroit because they had gone to see Bruce Springsteen and had worked their way around the country to South Carolina. They had been on vacation for about three weeks when we met them and were traveling for a couple more weeks before going home. Their five weeks of vacation was the norm in the Netherlands. They were slightly appalled when we told them we generally only got two weeks a year.

I recently figured out that I have about six weeks of vacation time accrued which actually was a bit of a shock. I have also been advised that one should use your sick time first because if you leave a company then they would have to pay you your vacation time...which of course played into my insecurity issues which have been raising their ugly little heads lately but that's a whole other blahblah.

I will be happy to get my two weeks of vacation this year but more importantly, I want to DO things this summer.I don't want the season to slip away unmarked.

Here is my Ten List of Things I Want to Do this Summer.
1. Dig out my roller skates. The streets are pretty smooth in our neighborhood so I think that potential for damage could be minimal.
2. Plant pumpkins.
3. Get a croquet set and use it. We could have the Croquet X-Games on our lawn...huge tree roots in the front yard.
4. Have a slumber party.
5. Read Tolstoy in my bathing suit.
6. Find a pool to read Tolstoy at in my bathing suit.
7. Ride my bike way more. My streamers want the wind in their plastic.
8. Perfect a Southern accent and get a hand held fan in preparation for the Dog Days of Columbus humidity. I would then be able to use both when we...
9. Start Sunday open house cookouts.
10. Lay in the grass and look up at the clouds or the stars and just dream.

Ooooohhhh...so that's how they did that!

2008-06-10T15:53:00.000-07:00

We got our stimulus check in the mail yesterday.(YEAH!) We thought from what we had been mailed that we would be receiving $1200 (BIGGER YEAH!) The check was for $1013 and change (slight disappointment...let's not be greedy) but I was confused by the difference.

Today we get the letter of explanation.

We owed taxes last year because of Bob's paper route...had been paying all year...and the difference in the check was the $186 and change that we still owed. Fine and good...our debt is paid and that is another YEAH!!

HOWEVER...the letter of explanation referred to our check for the amount of $1013 and change as "an overpayment of taxes from 2007". Call me dumb... but what does that mean? Did we really over pay on our taxes and we are going to be getting another check to stimulate us? Of course not because this check was clearly marked as 2008 stimulus check.

My observations about receiving said check:
1. Happy to have it because now we can buy a real couch for the Boy's Room and make it a better place to watch football. I have been told that it dampens the atomosphere of watching football games when you are drinking a beer sitting on a daybed covered in an antique crocheted bedspread.

2. We might actually be able to put something in a savings account...I have heard tell of them.

3. A hell of lot of people in the USA must have overpaid on their taxes.

It feels official...

2008-05-12T21:18:00.000-07:00

I am sitting at the bad lunch table.

...so that's how I look

2008-05-10T16:59:00.000-07:00

I got a call today at work from an assoicate at our Worthington store to look for for an item for a customer. We got talking. She said that she had been working with a couple who had been in our store yesterday that I had helped. They told her that they thought I was great and liked me...always nice to hear.

Their description of me to her...

"The small girl with the funny hair and the funny shoes."

Tickled me and made me laugh.

Hope everyone has a lovely weekend and don't forget to remember your Mom tomorrow.

Something to say...maybe

2008-05-01T20:28:00.000-07:00

I just read a post by a friend of mine who wondered if he didn't have anything to say or was being just lazy about blogging. We are all lazy in some form or another and we all have something to say ...it's just that sometimes nobody listens, or in this case reads, when we want them to.

I started this bloggy thing nigh on a year ago after doing "(W)holes" and heard other castmates talking about it. I, of course, wanted to be a cool kid too and so kind of found out how to do it. (The castmates who already were involved in blogging I consider exceptionally cool and wonderful people and it was kind of like a wonderful thing that they shared this secret with me. Something I never would have stumbled upon on my own.)

...but I do love words. I think that is part of the reason I love acting or maybe have learned to appreciate words more because of it. I love the way words sound. I love how some of them just taste in your mouth or ring in your ears. You can paint colours with words and intonations. Ahhh...but it is the written word here that we are talking about because blogging is about the written word.

Everyone who sits at their computer and types a blog is writing their biography or their monologue about life. We want to be Tolstoy, Steinbeck, Albee, Wasserstein or whoever you admire. We want to be important; we want to know that what we say matters. It is our humaness in us that makes us want to connect...to have people read us, post comments and acknowledge our existence.

I had someone post a comment on one of my blogs that I didn't know and at first it kind of creeped me out. I guess I thought that nobody except people I knew would ever know about this...but how silly is that? You write it...it is OUT THERE for any one who cares to find it. It is scary and intimidating. The comments were kind and maybe made me feel a little like I did have something to say worthwhile. (I have reread my essays and I think I am sentimental, angry, nostalgic, boring, obsessive and wish I was way more clever and witty than I am.)

After a post, you go back and check for comments...cause you just do. It's kind of like turning in an English paper but it's a diary kind of thing. When nobody comments, it sometimes feels like you're sitting at the bad lunch table in high school.

What is the point of this rant? We all want to matter and to be heard. Your challenge...listen to someone you take for granted and don't hear in the places you least expect...the grocery store, the gas station, the line at the movies, your waitperson. Engage...ask questions.

Everybody has something to say and we all have such a need to be heard.

Playing Nice with the Other Kids...

2008-04-23T16:57:00.000-07:00

I hated my job today and I really didn't like myself so much while I was doing it.

Our company's stock is not doing very well right now so "they" are tightening things up...the controllables. This theorectically is a good thing. One of the fixes is the hangers that we give away. We usually give out the really nice hangers that we use in the store. Previously, we had gone to "give away" hangers...thick plastic things that our customers didn't like....they wanted the good stuff. So after complaint calls (which is a no-no in Chicoland), we ditched the give away hangers...literally. Our store alone THREW OUT at least five boxes. (Do the math...we have over five hundred stores). We went back to giving away the good hangers...to the tune of (I swear I read this in an e-mail) $3.12 million. So now we are back to the ugly hangers and there will be calls AGAIN...and happiness will reign throughout the land.

We are also on a two-two-two schedule...which means that there are two people covering the floor on any given shift. Theorectically, another sound practice...except we are trained in "MAPS" (Most Amazing Personal Service)and do our best to deliver and our customers expect it. If there are five or six customers in the store and only two of us...once again do the math. There are people to attend to and counsel with, find stuff for, cashier, clean out dressing rooms, rehang the clothes and put them away, all the while giving "her" the best shopping experience she has ever had. (In between all of this fun, there are markdowns to be done and windows to be changed and whatever other stuff can be thought up to boost the bottom line). I do think someone at headquarters watched that damn "Enjoli" comnercial from the late seventies one too many times..."I can bring home the bacon...fry it up in a pan"...blahblahblah.

I value compassion and being nice, or as I refer to it...playing nice with the other kids. We should all try to that even if we haven't had our naps. Today I so felt like I just wanted to scream at people..."You don't need that! You don't even want that and you're just going to bring it back along with pants you spilled bleach on and you will call defective because they have spots on them (HAPPENED...REALLY!!!) Those pants are way too tight and your ass looks like a barn (even though you want me to tell otherwise) and some stuff you just ain't gonna find here even though you want us to so you can use (and we will) your expired 50% coupon from December 2007because you have it in your hand." I usually can deal with this on a daily basis in a fairly rational and pleasant manner....at least I hope so.

Today, not so much. We had a woman in the store carrying an armload of clothes. Each of us approached her and asked if she needed a dressing room and we were all rebuffed...sternly. She finally goes into a room and there were at least 12 other customers in the store...once again, today's theme...do the math. When she left after buying one item (cool...that's all she wanted) Mary called me over to the dressing room she had used. All three rods had at least 10 hangers with stuff on them and on the floor was a pile a foot and half high...the important point of this sentence is ON THE FLOOR. Not on the bench, ON THE FLOOR.

I felt incensed. It may be irrational. I know I work in a service industry and that is my job... to wait and serve. I truly do want people to come in our store and feel good and be happy when they leave, whether they have purchased something or not. We do our best to be respectful to our customers and of them. Why can't our customers do the same for us? It is not the majority of people who are like this and it does seem to run in streams...

This week, we in Chicoland know what it is to be salmon.

Time Changes Everything...

2008-04-15T18:18:00.000-07:00

Bob and I got to be home together today in the middle of the week...what a lovely treat.

We now have a lawn mower of our very own. We bought it ...it's ours. I know that probably doesn't seem like such a big deal to the homeowners out there but it's all about perspective. Bob has taken over the lawn care (and we will get a break on rent in the summer) so hence the purchase. Buying a lawnmower makes me feel like a grown up....they are something that your parents bought. The lawnmowers we have used at our previous residences were left by previous residents or provided by landlords. I swear the last one was held together by duct tape and rope. I couldn't start it unless I held the start thingy, stood on the lawnmower and jumped backwards really far and fast.

Bob mowed and I pulled out ivy. We have a nice patio out back with pretty trees and a spot that was landscaped at some point in time but the ivy has just overtaken all. Working in a garden is something that I am warming up to basically because I really don't like to get dirty. Didn't like it as a kid and still don't...but I'm learning.

Our last project of the day was going to be painting our new to us wicker furniture. We bought a set from one of the ladies that I work with and Bob wanted it to be Hunter Green. We washed the furniture, let it dry in the sun and took aim with the spray paint only to find we have six cans of defective paint. It sprayed for a minute and then dribbled down the side of the can. We'll be finishing the chairs another day.

Here is the real point...my nostalgia epiphany of the day. I went for a walk down our street and passed an apartment that was exactly the same as the one that Mario and I lived in when we first married many moons ago. (There are about three sets of these buildings scattered throughout Grandview on differant streets.) The apartment was empty so I looked in the window. I was amazed. It was SOOO TINY... yet at the time we lived in that apartment it seemed huge to me.

...but it was huge then. It held my world and the people I loved most at the time. My son began his life there...I had a best friend that I shared coffee with almost everyday while our kids took naps...my Mom wallpapered the kitchen for me when I GREAT with child (I can still remember the really pretty brown, cream and turquoise floral paper...sounds gross but it wasn't). So much life held in such a small space.

I haven't seen or talked to Mario in years...and after so many years, I really can't remember what went wrong with us. It just did and neither one of us had the energy...or the inclination...to fix it. We were just kids...

I see young couples in the grocery store with their children and it just gobsmacks me. They just look so young. I wonder if that's how Mario, Cory and I looked to people our age then....and yes, we did. We just didn't have all the tattoos and piercings but probably looked just as alien...and just as hopeful.

The hopefulness I felt all those years ago still continues...that was my epiphany. I have a man in my life who is challenging, compassionate, loving and so many things that I can't even pull the words forth...I have friends I love and who love me back and like me MOST of the time...I still have dreams...and hope that those dreams will come true.

Dream big. A space can't stop dreams...only an outlook.

Happiness Runs..

2008-04-13T20:43:00.000-07:00

...and I am not sure where to start. I had a good day and an ordinary day...but a lovely day.

I had to work today from 3 - 6:30. Midday to close on a SUNDAY!!! (In my opinion, no one should be working on Sundays...it just seems wrong.)...but I worked with the people I would've picked to spend that time with...and it was fun. Maybe more should have been done, but I am opening so I I'll be mad at myself tomorrow.

I came home to dinner being going made. Jamaican Jerk Chicken...all kinds of lovely smells...cooked by John (my husband's twin brother born of a differant mother) and my husband. Just wonderful. We set the table and the Vince Guaraldi Trio was playing in the background...(the "Good Grief, Charlie Brown" CD ... it has the Charlie Brown theme.. which does make you want to do the Snoopy dance.)

I love being around Bob and his best "peeps"...I know that is such a stupid word, but I love it anyway. It is comforting to watch them interact...they are all such strong personalities and such different men....but so complimentary to each each other without any extra thought or effort. They just are with each other. I am priveleged to have them in my life. Tney make me feel safe.

I always ask this question of others...What was the best thing that happened to you today? There ALWAYS is a best thing...you may have to look, but there ALWAYS is.

My best thing is coming back home after making a beer run and smell of cinnamon and all the Jamican jerk aromatics wafting up oour stairway along with the voices of people I love.

"is this Heaven?"
"No..it's my house.
(Stealing from "Field of Dreams"]

Find the best in each day and dance at least one time this week in your underwear to really loud music...even if you think somebody is WATCHING. They probably aren't paying attention.

....DAMN THEM!!!

Laugh at yourself...

2008-03-16T13:26:00.000-07:00

I have a little bicycle. I bought it a couple of years ago when my car was having problems and I didn't want to have to impose on the ladies I work with to have to come and get me. It was spring...I needed the exercise. It really is a small bike because I am short and I can touch the pedals nicely and not feel like I'm going to kill myself...an important fact when you haven't ridden a bicycle for 30 some years and the idea of traffic while in a car doesn't make me feel warm and fuzzy.

A friend from work gave me streamers for my bike on my birthday a couple of years ago. They were iridescent pink and fun and just...streamy. Bob and I were running errands a couple of weeks ago and stuffed my bike in the back of Bob's car so we could put air in tires. On the way, I had a conversation with Bob about how much I loved these dopey streamers. We stop to get the air...he does the inflating of tires...didn't take the bike out of the car...was in a hurry...gets back in the car and tells me "I broke your streamers off." I was crushed and got poopy to him. In keeping with the idea that five year olds love their streamers, he told me I was being bratty...and I was.

When we got home, I tried to put my basket back on my bike. It was not going on and was sticking out at a ninety angle to the handlebars. Bob and I got into another little set to over trying to get the basket to work correctly and once again I got called bratty. I do highly recommend living in a second floor apartment on such occasions because stomping in a huff up the stairs is highly effective. Mind you someone has to be paying attention to the stomping for it to be effective and Bob was not. A quiet evening was had by all. It is hard to live with five year old times ten plus two. Bob should get a medal.

So a couple of weeks have past. I found new lovely streamers at Target. I also ruminated on the basket problem and came up with a solution. I call Bob to the garage because I thought that we would have to hacksaw part of the basket holder off. I said we needed to adjust the handlebars because my knees were hitting them. I thought that they had slipped down from storage and moving. As we talked about how to fix the problem, we suddenly had an epiphany.

The handlebars were facing backwards.

My bike is ready...I plan on riding it...you have been duly warned.

A sidebar from when Cory was visiting:
Friend of Cory: Does your Mom have a bike?
Cory: I think so.
FOC: I think I saw her riding it...and dude, it's got streamers on it.
Cory: Huh (I am sure there was some internal cringing and I know that he laughed)

The moral: It is never too late to embarrass your children...even if they live on the other side of the country.

Bare Trees...

2008-03-14T21:09:00.000-07:00

Outside my window on this cold, damp early Saturday I see what looks just like the album cover of Fleetwood Mac's 70's album "Bare Trees". It made me wish I was a photographer.

I closed tonight at work and when I was driving home there was this ethereal, rolling fog on the street. At the intersection of our street I couldn't really see forward...I know this will sound macabre but it made me think of London and Jack the Ripper and how easily someone could have crept out the fog and shadows to do harm. I think that is a movie equation...fog...London...fog being spooky...blahblahblah.

...but it is beautiful. The naked trees are just packed in cotton mist and the street lights all glow gold. Somehow the fog seems so right for the season...ominous and hopeful all at once. It's the kind of night that makes you edgy and sleepless.
It's an itchy time of year...like all new hopes and dreams are bristling under the skin...Spring is right on the cusp.I think we're all ready ready for a new season

Feeling Lost...

2008-03-02T16:26:00.000-08:00

I have found myself in a strange little place lately and I really don't like it. I guess for lack of a better word, it could be described as a funk. I am just feeling like I am not sure where I belong, if people like me, if anything that I do matters. I KNOW that sounds way over dramatic but that's what there. Everything just feels to be in transition and I am not sure where I fit in. We have had changes at work and that is all still playing out...some days I feel like I am working with the Borgias or the Medicis. I just don't have the energy to play that game...or the cunning.

Interesting...there is an audition coming up that I really want to go to. The play is "The Lion in Winter". I would to audition for Eleanor. I want to audition because I haven't auditioned for so long and auditioning is painful to me. The play is all about machinations and political maneuvering. I may be totally wrong for Eleanor but more than anything want my lovely Bobert to audition...I think he would be wonderful as Henry and have the best time. He hasn't been on stage in so long...he needs to get back in the saddle. I can just see him doing this show. Kathylynn...are you there? Audition!!! You would be wonderful.

I know that my funk will pass but I hate when it descends with it's darkness and bad tapes. I can find everything to hate about myself and have a hard time finding the nice voice to talk to myself with....that's hard on the best of days.

I think I will chalk it up to gray days in Ohio in more ways than one.

Oscar de la Jesus

2008-02-24T21:27:00.000-08:00

Watched the Oscars tonight and yes, I smiled to myself because I am STILL in the back of my mind practicing my Oscar speech....holding my Infant of Prague. I just want each and every person I have ever done a show with to know that you will be thanked when the actual big day happens. Now all I have to do is figure out what to wear.

You know I have this wedding gowny thing that could probably be reworked somehow...

Feeling Eighteen....

2008-02-21T19:18:00.000-08:00

It's snowing and soft and quiet and lovely. The sky is that beautiful rosy colour caused by city lights on snowy nights with the trees black and spiky against it. How I do love the view from my window.

Bob and I went to our little neighborhood pub and walking home it just put me in the moment of being college. I went to college in Bowling Green and we always went out on Thursdays and always walked because no one had a car. Today is Thursday and we went out...of course one of the major differences is then we never went out until at least 10:00 and tonight we were home at the latest by 10:00.

...ahhh, but the snow. It reminded me of walking with my friends and feeling free and adventurous...and hopeful. Hopeful about your dreams, your life. I don't think that I really ever felt closer to those people than when I was walking downtown with them in the snow. The snow created our own little world, somehow protective of our conversations. It was just being in the moment.

...so we flash forward some thirtysomething years and I realize that I am grateful to be where I am. I walked home holding my husband's hand and felt all those feelings I felt long ago on those wintry walks...adventure, freedom, hope...but also peace because I know I have a partner who faces the stuff with me I had no idea about back then...the hard stuff...but the conversations we had years ago on those wintry nights was about hard stuff...it was just simpler hard stuff.

Another Thing to Love about Computers...

2008-02-08T19:06:00.000-08:00

Bob has become a big fan of iTunes. We recently had a party and he put money into the account and our wish was to have everyone pick songs. We were going to make CDs of what everyone picked...kind of a record of the evening to give. Everyone got so into to talking to each other that only one person picked a song. I guess that meant it was a successful party because people were actually more interested in talking to a person than piddling on a computer.

Tonight is the first time that I played on iTunes and I think that I could become addicted. I know that I would end up picking out nostalgia...ahhh, but nostalgia from OUR younger years. Popped into my head, found it and bought the song. If you were in college around 1973-1974, you will remember Spirit, "Twelve Dreams of Dr. Sardonicus" and "Nature's Way"...well it is now on our computer. It was a sappy song then...it is STILL...but it sure is nice to hear. It makes you sway and want to hold a lighter up in the air.

In the store at Christmas we get these GODawful CDs of "holiday" music that we have to play from preThanksgiving to forever. At the end of the season this year, I popped ours out the CD player and gleefully cut it to shreds. A year ago, snuck in between Mariah Carey, Bing Crosby, twenty versions of "Melaklimekee" some stupid Hawaiian song that I abhor was a golden gem. Whoever programs the CDs must have been a little P.O.ed with their job. We were busy last year and I would keep hearing snippets of the lyrics and I finally looked the song up on the web. It is Bare Naked Ladies "Elf's Lament". It is wonderful. I highly reccommend looking the lyrics up and pasting them in your cubicle. It just tickled me that this song would end up on our CD. A bit of holiday anarchy that applies to the whole year.

The other song that poppped in my mind and found was Leon Russell "A Song for You". I've loved that song from the first time I heard it. I remember being at dorm parties, sitting in some room drinking beer, hearing that song, and loving it and feeling confusedly melancholy. It touched some nerve in me. Leon Russell's voice is not great but it has such a rawness in this song. The emotions he sang about seemed so adult and complicated and so beyond anything I knew. It is one of the sexiest songs to me. I didn't get until much later in life that the song is about intimacy and that what makes it sexy. At 18, it was just a hint of something I didn't know but wanted. It just spoke to me.

One song that took me years to get over hearing is Cat Steven's "Moonshadow". It is connected to a very important person in my life. Hearing the song took me back to such memories and place and time, it was overwhelming. It always seemed that the song and memories, so deeply connected, caught me by surprise. It wasn't until a couple of months ago that I heard it and could smile.

...music does that to you.

A Procedure...

2008-01-07T14:40:00.000-08:00

Bob is having a "procedure" tomorrow....I guess actually it would classify as a test, but to me, if someone is going to be playing "Journey to the Center of the Earth" with a scopy thingy, it is a PROCEDURE.

The cleansing ritual has begun. He has to drink this fizzy lemony stuff and tonight is the Valhalla of OSU football. So what to do? Of course the instructions on the bottle are of no help. "This product will work in 30 minutes to six hours." If it were me, there would be no problem...the fizzy stuff wouldn't be working until Thursday. (I realize that is probably WAYYYY TO MUCH INFORMATION). We did laugh about him being trapped in the Netherland of the bathroom with everyone glued to the TV and not having enough paper supply. Mind you...our little "Cheers" runs out of everything...beer, wine, olives, food...you name it, they probably don't have it. They have done Kroger runs for beer and wine. If he decides to go and watch the game, we'll probably take a TP stash with us. Better to be safe...

I know that I am making light of this but it is weird to me that we (me, my husband and lots of friends that I know and love) are of the age that we should have this stuff done. I guess in my heart and soul I still believe that we are all in our twenties and perpetually take it for granted healthy....no maintenance required. Now we're having procedures and trying to find the humour in them. I think it's because we're really scared that something might be found even if there isn't any reason to expect that something should be found.

RuPaul Makes Me Smile

2007-12-30T11:57:00.000-08:00

Here we are on the cusp of a New Year. I am sitting in my little sun/computer/sewing room, sun smiling over my shouldar typing away. Disco music is blaring in the background because our neighbor is out of town so we can be obnoxiously loud with the music. RuPaul is calling for the Supermodels of the World to "Sashay!Chan-tay!" It just is a song that makes you smile...partly because the man is just so beautiful in makeup and it's just such a dumb song.

This time of year always makes me a little melancholy. It is such a spiritual time of year to me. I don't necessarily mean spiritual in the religious sense of the word, but the spirituality that everyone has...it's hard to explain and I am not sure that I even can. I just know that it exists, and I believe it to be the best part of everyone...that little shining core. I get melancholy because I wonder if I expose that best part of myself enough...maybe I watched "It's a Wonderful Life" too many times, but sometimes I wonder if I do make a differance in my little part of the world.

Ten Things I have Learned About Myself this Past Year...
1. I REALLY miss acting. Thank you, Mikey and Di, for reawakening that passion. You allowed me to feel fearless for a few brief shining moments.
2. I drink too much and smoke too much and it should bother me a lot more than it does.
3. I think that I have an inner wild child (please see #2) and if I were seventeen I would have pitch black hair, a pierced nose, tattoos and wear all black...okay so two out of the four I already have/do and I am thinking about the pierced nose....just a tiny little stud...barely noticeable.
4. I can take charge and do a good job.
5. I question whether I do a good job on a daily basis and convince myself on a daily basis that I probably don't.
6. I have a really screwed up body image and have no idea of how other people really see me...but do any of us?
7. I really do believe that people are basically good.
8. The bad things that happen in the world scare the crap out of me...partly because Cory lives so far away.
9. Nobody really pays as much attention to us as we think they do...so it's okay to dance and sing whenever you want...it makes the people who do notice smile.
10. I bless the Heavens everyday for bringing Bob into my life. I love his laugh, his integrity, his innocence, his strength, his basic "Bobness"...how I love that man of mine...now if I could only get him to believe that I really don't hide his clothes.

I hope that this upcoming year brings you everything you can imagine for yourself and your heart's contentment. Thank you for reading my little missives and your responses.

God Bless Us All, EVERY ONE!

I Bought a Wedding Dress...

2007-12-13T21:37:00.000-08:00

Not unusual....except for the fact that I have been married five years and am not planning a renewal ceremony in the near future.

How did this occur, you may ask?

I happened to find the best Thrift Store I have ever been to in my Columbus history of Thrift Stores. I had heard tell of this thrift store and it was wonderful. My girlfriend and I were shopping around and ended up in the area where the special dresses were.. lots of wedding dresses, prom stuff. I came across this dress that just called to me. It is a cross between Juliet and "Bram Stoker's Dracula". The back of the dress is a work of art with this train that is pleated and just flows. I just for some reason went ga-ga over this dress. I put it in the cart with the rest of the stuff and eventually tried it on. It was perfect...length, everything. The maker tag of the dress is Priscilla of Boston which means this dress cost in the arena of $900. It always surprises me when stuff like this shows up at these places. I know that I have bought some clothing at thrift stores that definitely has had bad karma...but I have also bought stuff just to rescue it...a beautiful hand knit sweater and family Bible which will confuse later generations are things that come to mind. This dress was a rescue and meant to be mine.

I bring this wedding dress home and am feeling kind of stupid about buying a WEDDING DRESS??? How stupid is Bob going to think I am for buying a WEDDING DRESS?...even if it was inexpensive, he is more into the "Do we need it? mindset.

Here is the conversation:
Me: You may laugh, but I bought a wedding dress at the thrift store. (Explain cost ratio). Isn't it pretty?
He: Yeah, it is pretty.
Me: You don't think it was stupid that I bought this?
He: No...these things are like your art form.
Me: (Astonished) Huh

End of scene: He goes to get get food...(actually, he did)

I just thought that was the one of the most wonderful thing he has ever said to me...it was a thought out loud that makes you know that person so gets you.

Here IS the thing that he would have rolled his eyes at but knew that I would at some point in time. He had gone to bed early...and I played dress up. Yes...I put the dress on and walked the train. If I do say do myself, it is a challenge to flip a train around while trying to strut to Madonna "Express Yourself".

Sure was fun...and I love that my Bob got the whole thing.

Mean People Suck

2007-12-11T20:49:00.000-08:00

We had an incident at work tonight that literally stopped everyone in their tracks... customers and employees. It was about 6:00 and a gentleman came in with a return and to pick up some alterations for his wife. He huffed his way through the door and disgustedly sighed to the desk. Our alterations guy does this stuff on the side and takes checks or cash. One of our ladies tried to explain that to him and his response was "I have a debit card". She then made the huge mistake of using the word "Honey" towards him. He literally BOOMED at her "Lady, DO NOT CALL ME HONEY!!" I have never in my life felt such an atmospheric change of pressure so quickly in a room. It was as if some vortex had come and sucked all the energy in this room away. You could have heard a pin drop. The problem was dealt with and the "gentleman" left.

He did say to the person who stepped in to handle the exchange that his wife was in the hospital. He also made the comment that she was having trouble making decisions. This woman is a regular customer and has always been a strange little bird. The last time she was in (about a week ago) she was more needy than she has ever been and a little more strange. After he left, we speculated about what kind of hospital she was in...that's horrible, but we did. Quite seriously, from his behaviour we wondered if there had not been verbal abuse going on at home...

The guy gets small "by" because his wife is in the hospital and he is probably worried about her. I know that worry comes out in differ ant ways in different people. I can also understand people getting upset by the use of terms of endearment...BUT we mostly deal with women...ALOT of them each day who want to be made feel special. We remember faces but not always names...so sometimes "Honey" comes out in place of a name. I do have to say that that "Honey" is not one I use...mine are "Dolly" (kind of stupid but I don't use that term unless it is someone I know well and STILL can't remember their name but are huggable customers...you have to retail maybe to understand this...and I use the occasional Bebe with the French accent.)...okay, both reprehensible but I am careful my usage because I don't want to offend someone. I know that terms of endearment are tricky. My regular ladies (who tend to be older) I always address as "Miss Insert Their Name Here". I can thank Janet Potter for that. According to Janet, it was okay to address people you didn't know well on a very personal basis by their first names if you addressed them as "Mister" or "Miss"...it was a sign of respect...thank you for people who brought up on the South. Manners always translate.

...but this man went hostile. Seriously, there seemed to be violence in the air...over a word that was said in the best of intentions and in an environment where it is used often...maybe more than it should be...and the worst part is, he WAS embarrassed about his behaviour but never attempted any kind of reconciliation or apology. It was just okay to treat a person he had never met badly.

I have a challenge...it is the holiday season and a season for reflection. We all have struggles, we all have stresses...I don't care what religion or things you believe in...this is a time to be spiritual in whatever way you find that spirituality. It is a time of rebirth..of renewal. My challenge is to go out and be kind. Tomorrow, before you go to sleep, no matter if you have had the crappiest day of your life, ask your self "What was the best thing that happened to me today?"...because there always is a best thing.

My best thing today...Bob stayed home from work because he has bronchitis (not a good thing) but I closed today and we got to sit side by side this morning and drink cofee and watch TV in the middle of the week together. Felt like a snow day....

My Son Came Home...

2007-12-01T19:48:00.000-08:00

Funny how quickly time passes...this time last week my child was in the air and on the way to Columbus from Portland, Oregon. It had been two and half years since I had seen him. We can't afford to fly there which means we can't afford to fly him here.

He got dropped off at the store by a friend on Sunday, slightly hungover and jetlagged, and the ladies at work said I just lite up like a candle when he came through the door. My first thought at seeing him was how much he looked like his Dad. It was like I had nothing genetically to do with this person. We do want to see that physical likeness in our children because somehow it just makes us seem more connected. To have him in my arms was bliss. I hugged him so tight and what was lovely was that he hugged back just as tightly.

The time on the visit passed too quickly as any visit like this does. He wanted to see friends in town but did make time for us. It was strange...this is my child, but this is an adult man...my child has grown up. It somehow catches you off guard.

He showed me pictures of his friends and alot of them are married couples. I mentioned that to him and he said it was strange to him that people he hangs out with are turning thirty and having kids and buying homes. It is the nature of the beast...we do want to make homes and make families. It was a little surreal, like seeing your life in playback. I was pregnant with him this same season.

Katie, who he has been seeing for a year, also came home with him. He went to high school with her and reconnected out in Portland...the Grandview Band of Gypsies seem to think Portland is a cool place. So many of the people that Cory knew from high school live there now and that's his home away from home family. I didn't get to spend much time with her but she is lovely. I think she gives my son a run for his money in all the best ways and she loves him alot. I could see that.

It was so hard to let him go home. I kept thinking to myself "Don't go!Don't go!" ...but of course he had to. That's what kids are supposed to do...move on and have lives and experiences and do the same things we did.

It made me wonder if it was hard for my parents to let me go. To me, it was just life. I got married and moved and had experiences and probably didn't think about them as much as I should have. I guess I somehow inadvertantly left them behind...just like my child. It is history repeating.

I think what this has made me realize is that my parents had a whole life seperate from me...when I was in their house, living there it involved me. When I moved, they did stuff I never knew about...still do and it drives my sister crazy. Bob and I have a life that Cory doesn't really know about just as he has a life and friends and has made a "family" for himself where his home is now.

I told him, and it's true, he is the best thing that ever happened to me. He laughed becuase I always cry when I tell him that...but it's true. He was a place in me that no one else will ever be and because of that he just KNOWS sutff that no one else will ever know about me...a connection. I think women with children will understand....each of your kids was in a differant place, and has a differant part of you and your history.

Bottom line...I am so proud of the gentle lion my child has become.

My arms have felt empty but I know he's happy. What more can I ask!