My Fuzzy Picture...

is my little freak flag flying with my Committee. Find the picture disturbing, funny, comforting, intense and not necessarily in that order. I think the picture captures me with my friends...Kathylynn...we had this moment Thursday and I loved holding your hand and laughing...Connie...you and I have had many such moments...DooDah to the infinite power.

Thank you to all of the Committee Members in my life.

You so rock my world.

 

I think...

...I might be owning my freak flag.

....meaning I think I really like where I am right now...it feels like a cusp...like a season of change awaits. It feels kind of scary.

I have a man who I adore who has told me at different times he hates my haircuts, he hates my tattoos, he hates my pierced ears...but these comments don't matter because this man would turn the world upside down if it was in his power to protect me and keep me safe. He is always encouraging of me to push myself...to take risks...to follow dreams. He gets mad at me because I stick my self.

I love that I have a Philosopher and a Dreamer for a husband.

Facebook can be wonderful....

...but it can make me feel bad. I still feel sometimes like I am having my hats (which I did wear...suede newsboys caps...wish I had them now) hit off my head on the school bus every time I wore them by the "cool" girl next door. It's funny...as I type this I can so remember every time that that happened...I tried to diffuse the situation and pretend that "HaHa...what a funny joke...blahblahblah"...the stuff you say you say so you can just get off the bus with some middle school/freshman year of high school dignity intact.

We moved to Syracuse when I around 11 years old. Another move...another time having to make friends...again. There was a group of kids that lived in the apartment complex where we moved and me, being the needy little puppy wanting to be part of a litter, tried to jump right in. This was a tough crowd to try and break into.Mind you, they were apartment dwellers like my family...which meant you were an Army brat and your Dad was doing some job that meant you only going to be there short term...your Dad did some job like my Dad which meant you could be moving soon...or you just lived there because that's where you live. It's funny thinking about this and looking back on it with different eyes.

I always thought I was a middle of the road fit in kind of girl...and looking back I have always marched to my slightly left of center drummer. Nothing extreme but just enough to get your hat hit off your head.

I make the joke about "I may not do marriage well, but I do divorce great". I have never stopped loving my ex-husbands. The love has changed. They are part of my family...the distant relatives you are happy to see when your paths cross but who you don't go out of your way to contact.

So...I wonder what I am really typing about.

I guess it's this. I always have had a freak flag to fly. I guess I always knew it...i.e. continuing to wear hats that were going to be smacked off my head...and I stuffed it down for a long time. Sometimes because of partners, most times because of me.

I may not love what I see in the mirror everyday...that age thingy...but I love that my flag is slowly rising up the mast.

I Really Like...

...that I have this little space in the big internet world to put down my thoughts. I have always liked writing and somehow putting down thoughts here makes me feel a little like I am writing.

I suppose it's actually more of a journal. I have tried to keep a journal and it never works. It made me feel like I was trying to make something of nothing or I was pretty much beating myself up. It's easy to do that when you know that no one (hopefully) will ever see what you have put on paper.

So...I share my thoughts here...and an occasional rant.

I never really thought that anyone would read it and never expected that anyone would but I know there are a couple of friends who do.

Thank you...that makes me feel good.

I thought there would be more time...

...my lovely Connie said to me today. We were talking about the loss of a friend who was instrumental in both our lives...it was because of him that our lives intertwined some 29 years back.

We always think there will be more time. It is our flaw as human beings. We long for it..we yearn for it...and yet we take time for granted. It's not that we take time for granted. We take our relationships for granted. It is so easy to put them on a back burner. Without the people in our lives who love us, cry when we cry, buoy us up when needed and celebrate our victories...and yes, give us a big reality check...and we hopefully do the same for them...what is the point?

But that is the point. To know that you have had a remarkable person in your life...who put their hand print on your soul...who made their mark and changed you forever.

I challenge everyone with Rene's words..."That was a choice...but perhaps there are better choices to be made."

Go forth and find your best. He always did.

Thank you, Rene.

You rock my world.

I feel..