This morning...

...I had a meltdown.
It was triggered by the morning phone call from Evelyn. I was still in bed...mostly awake. Bob needed her key. It was in my purse...men don't get purses. Easier for me to go and find...but I went from emotional zero to sixty REAL fast. Know that throws Bob for a loop...me too.
He's got a raised clipped tone of voice...which to me can sound sarcastic...condescending...angry.  I guess the interpretation is how I choose to deal with it.
Today I couldn't. I didn't like his tone of voice with me. It felt angry and condescending.
I blew...loudly..
Do not talk to me in that tone of voice...and then fell apart crying..
What I told him through tears is that I worry about Evelyn everyday...pretty much once an hour.
I hate my job. Not accurate...what I hate is I don't feel like I'm taking care of anything well outside of my job. I don't feel like I'm doing great about my job either.
Our new DM? My insecure tapes have kicked in.
Bottom line is I realized I had a small panic attack today.
The first one I remember? During the coverage of President Kennedy's assassination...the week long coverage...afraid to go to sleep and can still remember feeling...upset and jittery. I was seven.
College...afraid to go to sleep. Showed up on Mario's doorstep completely panicked.
Took me off guard but at least I recognized.

Change...

...has to happen.
We have information and no idea which direction to go to find a place for Evelyn.
If there are people who walk you through this...
let me know.

I hung up...

...on my mother in law.
 I don't like that I did it...and in a tiny way... glad I did.
Evelyn has dementia. She is in an apartment...which is spotless...but she's starting downhill.
Evelyn wants to go back to Pittsburgh...where she grew up. Her home. I understand that.
Explain to her why that can't happen.
The conversation was back and forth...sorta nice until she started flinging inheritence and goddammits at me.
Told her I don't want to talk about money. We don't want it...
More signing papers...take my money...do whatever you want...godammitgodammit.
Said Evelyn if you keep swearing at me I will hang up. She did...so I did.
She called two hours later. One ring.
I'm planning on making her breakfast tomorrow.
I have a key.
We'll see if she talks to me.

Depression or something like it

...seems to be rearing it's head in our house.
More accurate description is desperate confusion.
Evelyn...my mother in law is not doing well. She has some dementia...great in the moment...moment doesn't stick. She knows she doesn't remember. Frustrates the crap out of her.
There is a visiting doc who comes. Big problem...congestive heart stuff. She's taking blood pressure meds...theoretically.
She's having problems breathing when she moves around. It scares her.
We're not sure what to do.
We're all scared.

Relationships...

...are impossible.

Marriage...

 It's hard.
We're brought up on fairy tales. We'll meet The One and everything will fall into place. 
Rescue fantasies? They just don't happen to women.

I got lost...

...and what was I thinking?
My husband at the time..we met doing theater.  He started as an actor...way better director.
Looking back...I think we both had romantic rescues in our head.
Best thing about our marriage was my son. He got to do things with him he never got to do as a kid...Boy Scouts...flag football...Boy Scout camp. Doing things with my son gave him the childhood stuff he never had.
My son was wrestling and he went to every meet he could. He spent a lot of time sitting in gyms...calling me to update on the stats.
What was I thinking?
I was thinking I wanted to make him happy.
My son got older.
Husband was stuck with me.
He talked to himself out the back screen door every night.
I guess we had nothing in common anymore.
I pulled the plug.
In the interim...I found the person who would treat me as crappily as I felt appropriate. He did a good job. Fantastic job actually.
What was I thinking?
I wasn't.
Present day...my theater husband is happily married to the woman of his dreams.
...and that makes me supremely happy.
And I...
...cannot imagine a day without my Bob. My hardworking man.