Up in the Air...

So....
Feeling really lost.

New Year...

...and I'm feeling a little lost.
Christmas with the family kind of went awry.
My sister wasn'f feeling great...wasn't able to get to Cincinnati.
My Mum made it clear she didn't want us on Christmas Day.
So....Christmas Day was wonky. To be honest...don't remember what Bob and I did.
Our Tribal Christmas somehow like it went wonky as well...not quite sure how and why.
The New Year...
well...starting off feeling off balance.

Feeling a little rantish....

...and a little lost.
I want to be in home. I want to be a housewife. I liked it and I was good at it.
It gave me time to be creative. 
I have a husband who doesn't get it.  He was a country club kid. 
His Sniddely Riplash...comes out at me.
Did tonight because I yammered too much. 
ShutupShutupShutup.
Re-reading...
All good. It.s a relationship.

Well...hello...

My child wants nothing to do with me. I am anathema.
At least he's talking to his Dad. That took a long time to come round.

Damn...

...haven't been here a while.

Have no idea if anyone sees this...and it doesn't matter if no one does.

I'm over my job. I'm tired of being The Visual Guru. I'm way tired of dragging racks that weigh way more than I do. I'm tired of the random icky bruises that show up after I moved/ran into something...a "That's gonna leave a mark" moment.

Most of all...I'm tired of what our company has done.

We were high end mid price. That was good with our customers. 

The coupons...the percentages off...we've trained our customer to wait for sales.

The 70% off the old sale...had a customer tell me "some of this looks beat up." 

And I said yeah it is. Shopworn.

Tomorrow...

...could be interesting.
Evelyn's been in assisted  living  since late June. 
We cleaned out her apartment. Hard and weird. Some of her furniture is living in our garage.  If she knew that...would appall her.  it' s Henredon. Good stuff sitting in our garage.
About tomorrow...Bob wants to bring her to our house. 
I have said ...No...not a good idea...for so many reasons. 
He's operating out of Guilt. I think he feels he's been neglectful to her.
if he brings her to our house tomorrow...I'm out of our house til she's out of our house. 
kNOW bOb IS TRYING TO THE RIGHT THING....
BRINGING HER TO OUR HOUSE AIN'T IT.
i DON''T THINK SHE COULD MAKE IT UP THE STAIRS ...OR OUT TO A CHAIR.

I haven't been here...

Well...

...I haven't been here in awhile. 
Obviously the Font wants me to announce myself...
...and find a quieter way.

Well...

Well...

bitch.

....swear it's going to be my next tattoo. Teeny tiny little typewriter script. It will remind me not to be one.
Evelyn has dementia...but she has been used to being catered to. She comes to our house and camps.

bitch.

This morning...

...I had a meltdown.
It was triggered by the morning phone call from Evelyn. I was still in bed...mostly awake. Bob needed her key. It was in my purse...men don't get purses. Easier for me to go and find...but I went from emotional zero to sixty REAL fast. Know that throws Bob for a loop...me too.
He's got a raised clipped tone of voice...which to me can sound sarcastic...condescending...angry.  I guess the interpretation is how I choose to deal with it.
Today I couldn't. I didn't like his tone of voice with me. It felt angry and condescending.
I blew...loudly..
Do not talk to me in that tone of voice...and then fell apart crying..
What I told him through tears is that I worry about Evelyn everyday...pretty much once an hour.
I hate my job. Not accurate...what I hate is I don't feel like I'm taking care of anything well outside of my job. I don't feel like I'm doing great about my job either.
Our new DM? My insecure tapes have kicked in.
Bottom line is I realized I had a small panic attack today.
The first one I remember? During the coverage of President Kennedy's assassination...the week long coverage...afraid to go to sleep and can still remember feeling...upset and jittery. I was seven.
College...afraid to go to sleep. Showed up on Mario's doorstep completely panicked.
Took me off guard but at least I recognized.

Change...

...has to happen.
We have information and no idea which direction to go to find a place for Evelyn.
If there are people who walk you through this...
let me know.

I hung up...

...on my mother in law.
 I don't like that I did it...and in a tiny way... glad I did.
Evelyn has dementia. She is in an apartment...which is spotless...but she's starting downhill.
Evelyn wants to go back to Pittsburgh...where she grew up. Her home. I understand that.
Explain to her why that can't happen.
The conversation was back and forth...sorta nice until she started flinging inheritence and goddammits at me.
Told her I don't want to talk about money. We don't want it...
More signing papers...take my money...do whatever you want...godammitgodammit.
Said Evelyn if you keep swearing at me I will hang up. She did...so I did.
She called two hours later. One ring.
I'm planning on making her breakfast tomorrow.
I have a key.
We'll see if she talks to me.

Depression or something like it

...seems to be rearing it's head in our house.
More accurate description is desperate confusion.
Evelyn...my mother in law is not doing well. She has some dementia...great in the moment...moment doesn't stick. She knows she doesn't remember. Frustrates the crap out of her.
There is a visiting doc who comes. Big problem...congestive heart stuff. She's taking blood pressure meds...theoretically.
She's having problems breathing when she moves around. It scares her.
We're not sure what to do.
We're all scared.

Relationships...

...are impossible.

Marriage...

 It's hard.
We're brought up on fairy tales. We'll meet The One and everything will fall into place. 
Rescue fantasies? They just don't happen to women.