Tomorrow...

...could be interesting.
Evelyn's been in assisted  living  since late June. 
We cleaned out her apartment. Hard and weird. Some of her furniture is living in our garage.  If she knew that...would appall her.  it' s Henredon. Good stuff sitting in our garage.
About tomorrow...Bob wants to bring her to our house. 
I have said ...No...not a good idea...for so many reasons. 
He's operating out of Guilt. I think he feels he's been neglectful to her.
if he brings her to our house tomorrow...I'm out of our house til she's out of our house. 
kNOW bOb IS TRYING TO THE RIGHT THING....
BRINGING HER TO OUR HOUSE AIN'T IT.
i DON''T THINK SHE COULD MAKE IT UP THE STAIRS ...OR OUT TO A CHAIR.

It didn't occur to me...

...until yesterday...when my husband told me he read my blog...that maybe other people did too.  
First off...he reads my blog? Did gobsmack me.
We had to post pictures to our profile page on BOSS...the corporate system. Mandatory. Do have to say Joyce and I had fun getting a good one of me. We laughed our butts off.
I'm not so photogenic.
Years ago I worked on a video project for a student at OSU...Cinda Ehman was the director. Don't remember what degree it was towards...just remember that it was a big deal for her...a REAL BIG DEAL.
Shot the video at the Ohio Penitentiary over three months...
Memories from the shoot...
Bill Potter and I did not do well going down steps while saying dialogue well. Jay's words: "You call that acting?" Up the stairs...and down. Again...again...again...again.
I am not good at opening doors and entering a room. Have to say that most of the rooms that I entered from were small really stinky disgusting bathrooms. Entrance do over...again...again...again.
My favorite words in the setting up of a shot. The videographer...looking through his lens at me..."Oh God no. We can't shoot her straight on. Whoa!" Yes Mama...I am a pretty girl.
Learned to sing harmony on Going to the Chaple with Bill and Sheila. We had some times much time between shots and had it nailed.
Bill and I went into the infirmary building ...and it totally creeped me out...mostly the top floor. Could just feel stuff...didn't want to be there. Overwhelming.
In the chapel...on the wall...there was the most mesmerizing painting of a dark skinned Jesus with azure eyes.  It was serene and disturbing at the same time.
I got cast kind of by accident. Don't remember quite how...but it was by accident.
When I was 29 going on 30...I got a little sad. What happened to my dreams? What happened to all the big things I was going to do?
When I took stock...
I wanted to be an actor...and I was. I was fortunate to be cast more often than not...and worked with great inspirational people.
I wanted to get paid to be an actor...did a couple of murder mysteries and got paid. Ta Da!
I wanted to be in a movie. I think shooting at the Ohio Pen for three months counts...and I was the lead.
The dreams I had...the things I wanted to accomplish? I had done them. Perhaps not on as grand a scale as I had once dreamed of...but accomplished none the less.
And yes...occasionally I "Thank the Academy" while moving the store around.
We are nothing without hope and dreams.

I never thought...

...that anyone would ever read what I wrote on my little page in the hyperspace of the internet.
Gobsmacked today that my husband reads my blog.
He told me I was being mean about my boss...took me back.
She's feeling overwhelmed at the moment. I get that. Frustrating for me...things I can figure out how to make happen...I can't bring to completion...because I'm a peon. I'm management...but not when it accounts for anything.
I've interviewed and hired people in the past...as an assistant manager. Two great...one not so much. At the time I feel Joyce left it up to me. Background...our store manager was out on disability for six months. Joyce and I were at the store whole lot. She had Mom stuff to deal with. We did what we needed to do.
What I miss...feeling like a team with Joyce.

Going back....

...and reading previous posts is an interesting venture. One word keeps popping out at me. That word is sad.

I'm striving for gleeful...joyous...at the very least content. Sad needs to be banished.

Watching...

the sky mottle with lavender pink clouds that are deciding if they want to become a storm. The clouds matched my mood today. I have felt so off balance and fragile all day long and working retail on a day when feeling so...well somebody is going to up in tears.

And I did. The good thing was that it happened in our backroom so I didn't feel like a total out of control lunatic. The bad thing is that it happened at all.

The best thing that happened today was that a woman who had never shopped with us before come in looking for things for a trip to Italy. She was open for suggestions so I chose some things for her to try on and she had at it. She came out of the dressing room and I could tell she was happy with the way the outfits were looking. I asked if she would try a belt. She said sure. I asked if I could put it around her (we are trained to ask so we don't invade personal space) and her reply was "Sure. It's always nice to be hugged." Her comment resonated with me because I often wonder when I am helping someone on with a jacket or tying on a scarf if this is the only physical contact this person will have today...the thought that could be true makes me very sad. She bought some new clothes and TWO belts and was happy when she left. She really did look chic in what she bought. I don't even remember how much she spent...and really didn't care...what was important to me was that she liked how she looked. I could see that on her face in the mirror. Thank you, Miss Susan, for reminding me I do like about my job.

The worst of the day...the divas were out in force this morning. I played Babe in "Crimes of the Heart". In the play, a cousin asks Babe why she had shot her husband and Babe's reply is "I just didn't like the way he looked." The first diva stormed our store and within five minutes of her arrival, I could beaten her severely about the head and shouldar area with a hanger and my response would have been Babe's. There was something about her that just instantly set my teeth on edge. She just stormed in and was announcing by her attitude that Ms. Coolness had arrived. Joyce, my co-assistant manager, stepped up to help her...she'd helped her before. Ms. Cool loudly announced that she wouldn't come in this store if it weren't for Joyce and Karen (another co-worker). So...did she not see me? Was she trying to make a point? Was she letting me know that I am shit in her view? Actually, she probably didn't see me because most of the time we are just ghosts... who if you ask customers when they are checking out... neglected them and never talked to them even though every single associate in the store asked them if they needed a dressing room, can I help you find something...blahblahblah. Many customers think they can treat us like shit because they are doing us a favor...they are spending money in our store.

What I regret about ever taking this job that I have a love/hate relationship with...is it has made me view people differantly. It has made me not like them so much.

That makes me sad.

Tis the Winter...

...of my discontent. It's just a nagging niggling feeling of...discontent. Best way to describe it is I feel like I am on some sort of cusp....some sort of change...just kind of out there whispering to me.

It's time to be creative...pick up my pencils and paint...get back on stage.

Need to motivate.

I had a great night....

...with two of my best ladies. We were at Molly's comfortable cozy nest with a fire in the fire place....an aside....brilliantly LOVE that there are APARTMENTS to be found in our area with WORKING fireplaces. We laughed until our faces hurt and so hard that...TMI (didn't but couda....y'all have been there).

We talked about so much...about work, about Frankie Tux PI...that was an in the moment thing that can't be translated but makes laugh after the fact...about the news, about everything.

About relationships.

Molly and I want to smack our friend John really hard upside the head to look at Toni. They would make a photo op couple but beyond that...they have so much in common. He doesn't see it because he is stuck on an ethereal looking woman who is socially inept and an intellectual snob. His comment about why it doesn't work is that they could never walk down the street and hold hands...just the rhythm never got in sync.

My Mum turns 80 in a few days. It shocked me. That means my Dad will be 86 in April. I think of them as invincible somehow. I think my Dad sees himself that way...I know he does on the golf course. It has so pissed him off in past months he has scored above his age. This has only been a recent occurrence but Jimmy ain't a happy man.

I have meandered...I have no closing...yes, I do. Tonight made think about relationships and how important they are. How important it is to make connections. I often wonder when I put a belt around someone if that is the only time that day that someone has a physical contact with them?

I'm a person big on hugging and kissing. My husband sometimes not so much. I tell him "Think of all the times when you wanted to have someone to kiss and hug and there was one there...well, I'm here". He gets it...it's good to make him think.

Things I have embraced today:
1. It is okay to go from you jammies to a bubble bath to your robe without any other major activity in your day. That was pretty much my day guilty and then...
2. Parked my butt in my robe on the Ikea chair enwrapped with the snuggy thing with arms (AS SEEN ON TV)...fell asleep to the hideous behaviours of thye women on "Bridezillas"
3. Bob kissed me and told me go have a good time with my girls. So I did.

I think today was everything I wished and didn't even know til looking back.

How true is that.

Haven't been here in a while...

...and have just read what I wrote in November. It is now January of 2010 and I feel so out of the loop about so much.

First off, I couldn't figure out why there was all this stuff about the decade...the past decade this...past decade that...until I finally noticed...2010...new decade. Time has just been swirling like the flush of a toilet. You just do what you do and then it's gone....swooosh.

I have been feeling depressed. I think that I need to make an appointment with my doctor and have little better living through chemistry. Don't know what has set this little bout off and wish I did. I keep thinking if I could only figure out that thing....

...but I do know what that thing is. I haven't felt creative in so long. I was so proud of Bob when he was doing "Inherit the Wind" and glad that I could help with costumes and so enjoyed coaching John...but I miss having my own voice. I can feel that tug at my soul...that need to express something...the need to communicate...to be heard. I feel like I have become a shadow of me...so many parts of me I am not engaging.

I remember years ago I did a show and one of the other cast members said to me "You have no idea of the power that you have." I remember just looking at her, gobsmacked. I don't think of me as powerful but that's because I am afraid of so many things. I learned at an early age that acting what you felt or not doing what others wanted led to humiliation and ridicule...best to avoid conflict. There was a moment many years back that I felt like I was coming into my self...that was the strongest I have ever felt in my life.

It bothers me more than I let him know that my husband does not want me to talk about work. I work retail...I work with women...there are problems and he's fix it kind of guy and I DO understand why he doesn't want to hear it...but I still need to talk about it. I know I get boring. When I blab about work, I'm trying to make my self heard.

I think that's it...I am feeling like I am not being heard.