Being Surrounded by mirrors...

...everyday is not easy.  It can and often does make you pick yourself apart.  I see that everyday with women in our store.

It's an amazing thing to watch women in front of a mirror...you can just see the mind working...mostly concentrating in that reflection on their "flaw"...that part of their body that make them feel...well...frankly nuts.  Funny thing...nobody else sees it!

My most hated thing I hear from a customer "That's so not me."  My comeback (works sometimes) "Try it anyway.  Nobody outside of these walls has to see you in it if you don't want them to."  I understand don't like that colour...don't like that style...but so not me?  It's like you quit...stop growing.

Had a customer come in today who I admire.  She's a high powered real estate..she just looks money.  She just has style.  Funny thing when I was working her today...she complemented me on my dress...not company brand...thrift store. A little bonding moment...but would never be able to shop her thrift/consignment stores. 

If I had my own business...she would be my ideal customer.

I'm "Publishing" now...

...kind of thought of this as just where my friends could find me. My little diary ....didn't ever dream I was "publishing."  "Publishing" just kind of took something out of it...makes it seem too big and impersonal.

It's funny when you do start a blog...you just want to "say" something about what's happening in your life...and a small part of you wants to have a following of your blog.  I kind of equate to sitting at the cool kid table at lunch...you want to be liked and no mater how we hate to admit it...I think we all still have a small grain of the need to be popular.

So...I'm still going to write about pushing racks around and frustrations and people I love and experiences.

People know where to find me if they look.

A Tinny Sounding Radio and an Oldies station...

...have made my evening. The timbre just makes me flash back.

I listened to Cousin Brucie...the on air radio guy in Dirty Dancing.  First heard him in South Amboy, NJ...my sister listened to him.  Picked him up again when we moved to Peekskill many years later.  The man has had a long career.

We bought a radio for Bob's Mom that she thought she wanted but turned out she didn't really.  We have it.  I was ironing "school clothes" listening to the kind of tinny sound just smiling and dancing while ironing.

Just took me back to another time.

My Sister of a Differant Mother...

...will probably be making big changes tomorrow.  Has been coming for awhile...writing in the sand.  She knew where she drew her line.

There Will Be Consequences...

...down the line if my email capture doesn't improve.  Really...could possibly be written up if I don't get my email capture rate to 70%.  The best part?  Someone not having a computer is not a reason for not getting an email address from them.  I'm supposed to get the customer to give any email address...daughter, son, husband...cousin fourth removed! Basically...I supposed to harass and bully someone into giving me an address so we can send them emails.

Originally, we were told that the email addresses would eliminate us having to call customers when we have an event.  (When we have the calling campaigns, the expectation is 40 calls per hour...440 per day.  It's kind of unrealistic when you have four people scheduled during an entire day.)  Well...we're still calling and will be.

I didn't react well today when I was talked to about my email shortcomings (I have the lowest in the management team).  The words consequences and retribution do not make for comforting conversation...and yes...I took it personally.  It's about how I'm performing my job...apparently not well. I didn't even rate a 2% raise...I got 1.98%.

I did say today that if ever get written up for not getting enough emails....I'm done.

I better start looking.

Heigh Ho...Heigh Ho...Off to Hospital We Go...

...after a scary moment.  The diagnosis was complicated atypical migraine.  Had two big deal tests (CAT Scan and MRI) and spent the night in the hospital. The lovely part was I was told if I had been twenty, I would have been sent home after being treated but because of my age, I needed to stay for observation.


We had been to Target and I started getting the vision aura thing...just couldn't see right and felt weird...mostly disoriented from the vision thing.  It's like you're looking at your surroundings with goggles on that have dark wavy lines dancing around in front of you.  It's like they're in front of your eyes and in your eyes at the time. I told Bob I thought I was getting a migraine...hadn't had one in years. We bought Excedrin Migraine...took before leaving the store.  Bought chocolate...ate in the car.  Headed home to make strong Cuban coffee.  Got home...I was starting to make coffee...Bob asked me a question...and the scary moment was I lost my words.  I knew what he asked me...heard what I said...knew it made no sense.  He looked at me a little strange and I said something that made sense.  He asked me something else and I can back with...nothing that made sense...and I knew it.  I started sobbing because I was afraid.  My husband took over.

I know Bob was scared, too.  I saw the look in his eyes when he turned to look at me when I answered whackadoodly...maybe he was looking into a mirror of fear.  What I remember is his arms went around me so fast...and I felt safe...knew I was safe.

So...things from scans look normal...a good thing.  Have looked all this info up on the web...the speech wooble...VERY scary but found it...and if I'm honest I knew this was coming for at least a month and a half.  Tension headaches they name has been Cyndy.

I've been feeling unhappy at work...even went so far as to tell my store manager that I thought I was getting the short end of the stick.  Told her I felt like  I was on the cleanup crew for what the other assistant manager doesn't know to do or want to do.  There is ALWAYS something not done and leftover from her that puts everybody back at least a step. 

If I were Queen of the Realm....I can run that staff in my head....damn.

Think I would be just and merciful Queen...would expect nothing less of others.

We're a Statistic...

...Bob got laid off today.

 He has worked for a small family owned garage in Delaware for the past eleven years...a business with a brilliant reputation.  Our car broke down in Delaware at least three years before he worked for them and all the people who stopped to help us told us to take the car to Leroy's...they are the best.  Bob has said over the past couple of months that business has been really slow.  Leroy told Bob he would hire him back if things picked up but that if things didn't pick up in the next couple of months he was afraid might go under.

 Here is a small family owned business with a spectacular reputation...who takes care of their employees in the family business kind of way.  Norma, Leroy's wife,will bring lunch for the shop at least twice a week...and I mean LUNCH...Mom food...sloppy joes...macaroni and cheese...fried chicken...chili...my not sound like much but think of making that stuff for twelve. 

Bob did not have any coverage through the shop.  Leroy did look into coverage at let two times and the cost were ridiculous. He tried.

Not a good for us

Feeling Angry...

...and I don't like feeling that way.  When you're in a customer service industry...that's not a good under current to have. Feel sometimes like my job has killed something in me.

Snapped back at my boss today...and not happy that I snapped. Feelintg like the grunt....the pick guy.

The Mean Reds...

...I think I've got them.  It's a phrase taken from Holly Golightly.  It's not really the blues...it's not really anger...it's something in between...maybe more of a frustration that you feel down.  It's that itchy ick of not quite being able to place your finger on what's getting to you.

I think I'm not good at wanting to take risks anymore and I think a lot of that is because I'm not doing theater.  I almost typed anymore...but that would make it seem like a forever thing and I would hate to think that. 

Maybe I'm feeling sorry for myself and I really hate that.

The things that I'm really good at in my job seem to me to be the things that aren't really deemed important by the corporate powers...don't really seem to be valuable...or valued. 

Feel like I'm the grunt.

Life changes have been made...

...my son became a husband to a most beautiful wife on October 29. Sweet Adie is the partner Cory had been waiting for.

We got to meet Adie in June. She had gone to Washington, DC to visit a friend from college. On the way back to Portland, she stopped in Columbus to meet us and stayed overnight. At the time, I was so nervous about wanting her to like us that I didn't realize what courage and openness it took to make that stop in Columbus.

On the drive from the airport to home, I asked Adie if there was anything she wanted to while visiting and she said "Can we look at photos of Cory growing up?"...so we did. The next day we had the Cory "This Was His Life" Tour of Grandview...showed her all of the places we lived...were he went to elementary, middle and high school...where he had the after school jobs. It was fluffing the quilt to what she had already known about him and the stories she had heard.

I gave her to take home one of my treasured things. It was the Ernie doll that Cory has has had since he was a baby. When I gave it to her, she got it. She knew it was special.

It was hard to give up Ernie. His nose had been sucked and pulled out shape when Cory was a baby. His original google eyes had been replaced at least three times with felt eyes glued on and drawn.

I miss Ernie. He has been to OCTA and Hilton Head and New Orleans (Bob doesn't know that)...just always made me feel better to have him with me...the tucking of the Ernie nose in the crook of my neck...was like a hugging Cory.

The best thing about being in Portland for the wedding...and it was a wondrous wedding...was getting to hold hands with my son...to just touch him.

Brilliant.