RuPaul Makes Me Smile

Here we are on the cusp of a New Year. I am sitting in my little sun/computer/sewing room, sun smiling over my shouldar typing away. Disco music is blaring in the background because our neighbor is out of town so we can be obnoxiously loud with the music. RuPaul is calling for the Supermodels of the World to "Sashay!Chan-tay!" It just is a song that makes you smile...partly because the man is just so beautiful in makeup and it's just such a dumb song.

This time of year always makes me a little melancholy. It is such a spiritual time of year to me. I don't necessarily mean spiritual in the religious sense of the word, but the spirituality that everyone has...it's hard to explain and I am not sure that I even can. I just know that it exists, and I believe it to be the best part of everyone...that little shining core. I get melancholy because I wonder if I expose that best part of myself enough...maybe I watched "It's a Wonderful Life" too many times, but sometimes I wonder if I do make a differance in my little part of the world.

Ten Things I have Learned About Myself this Past Year...
1. I REALLY miss acting. Thank you, Mikey and Di, for reawakening that passion. You allowed me to feel fearless for a few brief shining moments.
2. I drink too much and smoke too much and it should bother me a lot more than it does.
3. I think that I have an inner wild child (please see #2) and if I were seventeen I would have pitch black hair, a pierced nose, tattoos and wear all black...okay so two out of the four I already have/do and I am thinking about the pierced nose....just a tiny little stud...barely noticeable.
4. I can take charge and do a good job.
5. I question whether I do a good job on a daily basis and convince myself on a daily basis that I probably don't.
6. I have a really screwed up body image and have no idea of how other people really see me...but do any of us?
7. I really do believe that people are basically good.
8. The bad things that happen in the world scare the crap out of me...partly because Cory lives so far away.
9. Nobody really pays as much attention to us as we think they do...so it's okay to dance and sing whenever you want...it makes the people who do notice smile.
10. I bless the Heavens everyday for bringing Bob into my life. I love his laugh, his integrity, his innocence, his strength, his basic "Bobness"...how I love that man of mine...now if I could only get him to believe that I really don't hide his clothes.

I hope that this upcoming year brings you everything you can imagine for yourself and your heart's contentment. Thank you for reading my little missives and your responses.

God Bless Us All, EVERY ONE!

I Bought a Wedding Dress...

Not unusual....except for the fact that I have been married five years and am not planning a renewal ceremony in the near future.

How did this occur, you may ask?

I happened to find the best Thrift Store I have ever been to in my Columbus history of Thrift Stores. I had heard tell of this thrift store and it was wonderful. My girlfriend and I were shopping around and ended up in the area where the special dresses were.. lots of wedding dresses, prom stuff. I came across this dress that just called to me. It is a cross between Juliet and "Bram Stoker's Dracula". The back of the dress is a work of art with this train that is pleated and just flows. I just for some reason went ga-ga over this dress. I put it in the cart with the rest of the stuff and eventually tried it on. It was perfect...length, everything. The maker tag of the dress is Priscilla of Boston which means this dress cost in the arena of $900. It always surprises me when stuff like this shows up at these places. I know that I have bought some clothing at thrift stores that definitely has had bad karma...but I have also bought stuff just to rescue it...a beautiful hand knit sweater and family Bible which will confuse later generations are things that come to mind. This dress was a rescue and meant to be mine.

I bring this wedding dress home and am feeling kind of stupid about buying a WEDDING DRESS??? How stupid is Bob going to think I am for buying a WEDDING DRESS?...even if it was inexpensive, he is more into the "Do we need it? mindset.

Here is the conversation:
Me: You may laugh, but I bought a wedding dress at the thrift store. (Explain cost ratio). Isn't it pretty?
He: Yeah, it is pretty.
Me: You don't think it was stupid that I bought this?
He: No...these things are like your art form.
Me: (Astonished) Huh

End of scene: He goes to get get food...(actually, he did)

I just thought that was the one of the most wonderful thing he has ever said to me...it was a thought out loud that makes you know that person so gets you.

Here IS the thing that he would have rolled his eyes at but knew that I would at some point in time. He had gone to bed early...and I played dress up. Yes...I put the dress on and walked the train. If I do say do myself, it is a challenge to flip a train around while trying to strut to Madonna "Express Yourself".

Sure was fun...and I love that my Bob got the whole thing.

Mean People Suck

We had an incident at work tonight that literally stopped everyone in their tracks... customers and employees. It was about 6:00 and a gentleman came in with a return and to pick up some alterations for his wife. He huffed his way through the door and disgustedly sighed to the desk. Our alterations guy does this stuff on the side and takes checks or cash. One of our ladies tried to explain that to him and his response was "I have a debit card". She then made the huge mistake of using the word "Honey" towards him. He literally BOOMED at her "Lady, DO NOT CALL ME HONEY!!" I have never in my life felt such an atmospheric change of pressure so quickly in a room. It was as if some vortex had come and sucked all the energy in this room away. You could have heard a pin drop. The problem was dealt with and the "gentleman" left.

He did say to the person who stepped in to handle the exchange that his wife was in the hospital. He also made the comment that she was having trouble making decisions. This woman is a regular customer and has always been a strange little bird. The last time she was in (about a week ago) she was more needy than she has ever been and a little more strange. After he left, we speculated about what kind of hospital she was in...that's horrible, but we did. Quite seriously, from his behaviour we wondered if there had not been verbal abuse going on at home...

The guy gets small "by" because his wife is in the hospital and he is probably worried about her. I know that worry comes out in differ ant ways in different people. I can also understand people getting upset by the use of terms of endearment...BUT we mostly deal with women...ALOT of them each day who want to be made feel special. We remember faces but not always names...so sometimes "Honey" comes out in place of a name. I do have to say that that "Honey" is not one I use...mine are "Dolly" (kind of stupid but I don't use that term unless it is someone I know well and STILL can't remember their name but are huggable customers...you have to retail maybe to understand this...and I use the occasional Bebe with the French accent.)...okay, both reprehensible but I am careful my usage because I don't want to offend someone. I know that terms of endearment are tricky. My regular ladies (who tend to be older) I always address as "Miss Insert Their Name Here". I can thank Janet Potter for that. According to Janet, it was okay to address people you didn't know well on a very personal basis by their first names if you addressed them as "Mister" or "Miss"...it was a sign of respect...thank you for people who brought up on the South. Manners always translate.

...but this man went hostile. Seriously, there seemed to be violence in the air...over a word that was said in the best of intentions and in an environment where it is used often...maybe more than it should be...and the worst part is, he WAS embarrassed about his behaviour but never attempted any kind of reconciliation or apology. It was just okay to treat a person he had never met badly.

I have a challenge...it is the holiday season and a season for reflection. We all have struggles, we all have stresses...I don't care what religion or things you believe in...this is a time to be spiritual in whatever way you find that spirituality. It is a time of rebirth..of renewal. My challenge is to go out and be kind. Tomorrow, before you go to sleep, no matter if you have had the crappiest day of your life, ask your self "What was the best thing that happened to me today?"...because there always is a best thing.

My best thing today...Bob stayed home from work because he has bronchitis (not a good thing) but I closed today and we got to sit side by side this morning and drink cofee and watch TV in the middle of the week together. Felt like a snow day....

My Son Came Home...

Funny how quickly time passes...this time last week my child was in the air and on the way to Columbus from Portland, Oregon. It had been two and half years since I had seen him. We can't afford to fly there which means we can't afford to fly him here.

He got dropped off at the store by a friend on Sunday, slightly hungover and jetlagged, and the ladies at work said I just lite up like a candle when he came through the door. My first thought at seeing him was how much he looked like his Dad. It was like I had nothing genetically to do with this person. We do want to see that physical likeness in our children because somehow it just makes us seem more connected. To have him in my arms was bliss. I hugged him so tight and what was lovely was that he hugged back just as tightly.

The time on the visit passed too quickly as any visit like this does. He wanted to see friends in town but did make time for us. It was strange...this is my child, but this is an adult man...my child has grown up. It somehow catches you off guard.

He showed me pictures of his friends and alot of them are married couples. I mentioned that to him and he said it was strange to him that people he hangs out with are turning thirty and having kids and buying homes. It is the nature of the beast...we do want to make homes and make families. It was a little surreal, like seeing your life in playback. I was pregnant with him this same season.

Katie, who he has been seeing for a year, also came home with him. He went to high school with her and reconnected out in Portland...the Grandview Band of Gypsies seem to think Portland is a cool place. So many of the people that Cory knew from high school live there now and that's his home away from home family. I didn't get to spend much time with her but she is lovely. I think she gives my son a run for his money in all the best ways and she loves him alot. I could see that.

It was so hard to let him go home. I kept thinking to myself "Don't go!Don't go!" ...but of course he had to. That's what kids are supposed to do...move on and have lives and experiences and do the same things we did.

It made me wonder if it was hard for my parents to let me go. To me, it was just life. I got married and moved and had experiences and probably didn't think about them as much as I should have. I guess I somehow inadvertantly left them behind...just like my child. It is history repeating.

I think what this has made me realize is that my parents had a whole life seperate from me...when I was in their house, living there it involved me. When I moved, they did stuff I never knew about...still do and it drives my sister crazy. Bob and I have a life that Cory doesn't really know about just as he has a life and friends and has made a "family" for himself where his home is now.

I told him, and it's true, he is the best thing that ever happened to me. He laughed becuase I always cry when I tell him that...but it's true. He was a place in me that no one else will ever be and because of that he just KNOWS sutff that no one else will ever know about me...a connection. I think women with children will understand....each of your kids was in a differant place, and has a differant part of you and your history.

Bottom line...I am so proud of the gentle lion my child has become.

My arms have felt empty but I know he's happy. What more can I ask!

How do you figure out how to say goodbye to someone who has been a part of your life for twentysome years? This person got married and their life has changed and they are moving....all good stuff...but I also have the feeling that when they move they will never be back. I guess the word is closure...they are doing their form of closure and just starting over.

I'm being selfish. I just don't want to think that I won't be able to see this person and talk to them and just see how they are...that they just won't be around anymore. I know that this person is happy and is in love and more content than I could ever have imagined...and yes, again the "S" word and that's all it is...because they have part of my history and somehow I guess I wonder like we all do...do those people we loved carry us in their hearts and lives like we still do them?

I call them the Freebase moments...when you're driving or running the vacuum cleaner and your thoughts wander to some time or place or incident or person...we hold those moments in our souls. Those are the times that you remember your first kiss, how you should have done something better at work, that moment onstage that was problem and NOW I know how that line should have been said, how I could have appreciated someone better. I guess I just never think that I could be someone's freebase moment.

I also wonder about the term "Verbal Vomit" and whether it was a good thing or a bad thing. Throwing up is never good....messy, it gets on stuff, hard to clean up (paperbags next to a bed side always good in cases of the flu....easily disposable....who knew I could have a helpful Mom tip.

I have a five year anniversary coming up. My husband is the best. He bought us a cord of wood...fifth is wood. Good for building the slowburning fires...I'm learning to be patient in my firebuilding.

I Can't Edit....or thoughts on blogging

I don't know how to edit stuff after I get it out there...the last post turned into something differant than I thought when I started writing...in a good way but then the title was wrong and not what I meant to say and does that really matter?

I got started doing this blog thing because I had friends from "(W)holes" (please see earlier blog) who had them and I wanted to be hip, cool...okay, a little..but I really wanted to read what they had to say...to stay in touch...and put myself out there. It IS like writing a diary and it is strange to think that I might have anything to say anybody would be interested in.

I love reading my friends blogs. I hear their voices in their words...better than phone calls. The cool thing about blogs is it is like writing letters...sometimes we can be more honest when we write stuff down.

Bob tells me that my blogs sometimes sound like Carrie Bradshaw...she questioned the world and her place in it...so do I, so do we all.

A good thought for finding your place int the world...don't pee in the sand box and always try to play nice with the other kids.

I would have been left on the plains...or another way the "Media" has tainted us

We have a fireplace and I love everything about it. It just goes with the bookshelves, it gives ambiance and warmth, it's romantic and I build the worst fires in the world. No matter how many newspapers I wad up underneath the logs, no matter how high I get the flame going with the gas starter thingy (which scared the crap out of me the first time I got bold enough to use it...it makes a big WHOOSH when it kicks on)...I only get a glow. Not a Norman Rockwell picturesque fire, not a lovely English cottage fire...I got nothing but little glowing sparks...a big flame and then nothing but slow burning embers.

Isn't it funny...I was just thinking about how we build fires in our fireplaces and am equating it to relationships or what we do in our lives...I guess a revelation. Maybe I have always wanted a big flame...passion, drama, blahblahblah. What I have is the little smoldering stuff...which actually when you look at embers are the fires that burn the white hottest, have the bluest purest flames and really are the prettiest to watch...the bluer the flame the hotter the fire...you just have to wait for it to spark something else.

I did get frustrated one day making a fire and it went to smoking and didn't ignite and told Bob that I would have been the pioneer that would have been kicked off the Wagon Train...left on the Plains. He laughed and said you just never knew how to build a fire but you would learned if someone taught you.

I guess he's teaching me.

Halloween...

I read cards on Hallween at the Black Horse....or as it is sometimes affectionately and aptly known, the Black Whole. It is a bar that Bob and I frequent and it really is our "Cheers". One of our friends described it as the the Island of Misfit Toys. I don't know how I quite feel about being a misfit toy but some days I think that is an apt description.

So.. I read my cards on Halloween. I had not gotten my cards out for years and when I offered to do this, I felt like I was being arrogant. I guess maybe I just felt that the time was right. I think of whatever readings I have been able to do as a gift and a privilege. I hope that whatever I talked to people about made them feel better and helped in some small way. Blessed be...always.

My store manager broke her ankle and is out until January...although she was going to quit but yadayadayada. So now the fun begins and the playing of the games.

So...my favorite question....what was the best thing about your day? Even if you are having a crappy day, ther is ALWAYS a best thing....we just need to look for it. My best thing....flufing the bed for Bob when he came home after watching football with his peeps (the phrase still makes me laugh) and spraying perfume on the sheets just because it smells good and is soothing and not hospital cornering his side of the bed so he didn't have to fight sheets so hard to go to sleep.

....mind you, my side of the bed is an envelope. All I can say is I must have been swaddled way too tight.

Did you miss me..maybe a second?

...wrong?

Bob goes to Sam's Club on Saturday when I am working (he is just the best)...thank you ever so because we had NOOOO food...now we have BIG food...which leads me to the GIANT jar of Deluxe Mixed Nuts...the Atkins Fan's crack. The big square jar calls to me...I want to ignore but I just CAN'T!!!....The Nut Siren Song is pounding in my ears! Make it stop! Okay, I will...as I stand there and pick out the cashews and the pecans...that takes a couple of days...then we work through the filberts and pecan and cashew remanants....then the almonds...ohhh...
all of the nuts are gone except for the icky round hazelnuts...What, Honey? I don't know...hadn't you been eating ALOT of the nuts??...No???...Me? Welllll....some....was that wrong?