Listen to...

that voice that keeps repeating things people have told you. In this case the words that keep repeating are "she's a backstabber." It has been in the back of my head since I havehad dealings with this individual...didn't want to believe it and still don't want to but she showed her pants a little...and i am a little disillusioned.

Feel I am being unfair but now think I need to guard my back. Thought the playing field had leveled...wish my work environment could become a Communist Nation.

Not going to happen...it's retail.

Beginning to seriously question why do I do this?

I don't think I like myself very much...wasn't really taught how to and maybe had five minutes of acceptance of self when I saw a counselor years back. Can we say time for a tune up?

I did actually start to go to another counselor about ten years ago and was cut loose after two sessions because my insurance coverage wasn't going to cover what the counselor thought was appropriate. To this day, I'm a little angry at her. I'm not even sure why...maybe I had boring problems and it wasn't worth her time to deal with me.

I think everyone should get at least 10 free counseling tickets when you are born...they could be put into the bag with the diapers and stuff you are sent home from the hospital when you take your baby home.

The world would be better place.

Our House...

is a very, very, very fine house. We had people over on Sunday and John described our house as being "magical".

Our building was built in 1941 and has all of the beautiful, quirky (by today's standards) architectural details that either drive you crazy or make you drool. I find myself wearing bibs as an accessory since we have moved here.

There are moments when I think to myself moving from room to room doing mundane things how much I love all of this space.I wonder as we sit on the porch with our friends about all of the people who have sat on the porch before us. I know that they had the same warm feelings about the people around them, the same laughs over shared moments, the same things we do and share care about with the people we love in our lives.

It's nice to know we are part of a continuum.

I'm still a kid inside...

and I am fooling myself with each passing season. No, I am really not. I feel myself slipping into the grownup faze of life...and it's not so bad. I think it has to do with work. I have a new store manager who expects a lot from you...but is willing to give you the support and guidance you need to accept the responsabilty.

My way of dressing is changing...I think I am into a mode of reinvention.

I realizes...

I am still not cool. No matter how much I wish to sit at the cool kid's table...it ain't ever going to happen. I just don't have that cool on line cache.

Better experienced in person...in the moment.

Pretty okay with that...need to stopping checking Facebook.

A friend died...

this week. He was not a close friend...he was someone Bob and I knew through the Black Horse. His name is Tommy. He worked as a bartender at the Fawcett Center and was one of the gentlest people I have ever encountered.

His death has upset me.

Tommy, I hope that you are walking on that warm Florida beach you talked moving to. Roll up your cuffs so they don't get too wet and pick up beautiful shells for all of us.

I will miss your smile.

Two Days Together...

...off is a rare thing in retail...especially recently with our company. I am getting the feeling that the company is wanting anyone who is in a management position to pretty much be willing to live at the store and bleed Chico's.

The big buzz phrase currently is accountability...as in "You will be held accountable". What does this mean...really? We are expected to make phone calls and have appointments and get people into the store. But what happens when you do everything correctly...everything the company asks you to do and people still are not coming into the store or if they are, they are trying stuff on and not buying. How am I accountable for that?

Gerri that I work with called me tonight to tell me that she had her biggest dollar sale ever. The sale was $2000+. DAMN! I was so happy for her because our store has made our plan for the month and that means that any money we make from a sale is doubled...which means she will get $300...a very well deserved and much earned $300.

So... what I really want is three or four days off. Two never seems enough. The days go so fast and I never get done all of what I want to get done.

I think I am just tired...doggedly tired and feel like I am constantly playing catch up. Sometimes because of my schedule Bob and I don't see each other except for minutes at a time.

The end of the month we are going to New Orleans with friends and I can't wait. Still doesn't seem real.

I am behind...

the times. Just when I was getting into the blogging thing everyone goes to Facebook. I have found two people on Facebook who I have missed for eons and had relegated to that part of our life we remember yet forget...but here they are. That is the cool thing about this whole computer thing which I have no clue of understanding...really never want to understand...it's just some scary magic that happens.

Good Morning America did a segment some weeks back about the Internet and what we have available to us now versus ten years ago. It has been spectacular leaps and bounds. I remember Bob getting his computer and us hooking it up. I remember going into Chat Rooms and I wrote poetry with someone. I was so computer illiterate and I was gobsmacked. It felt creative, it felt fresh...and now chat rooms seem to be something to avoid. I still remember "talking" with people who were up late at night and just wanted to share their thoughts about their day or their opinions about a subject. I think the day I had the poetry moment Moon Zappa was in the same chat. It all felt positive and creative...and now going into a Chat Room seems like going into some dark space. No more poetry...it's just pretty much out front "dude41"...what ARE YOU WEARING????"

I think everyone should do the crossword puzzle. We have all lost our knack of language. i have always loved words. I love the sound of them...the musicality..the dissonance...I love words. One of my favorites is anathema. It is one of those words that sounds like what it means....I understood the sound of it but it toook me4 years to look it up and means just what it sounds.

I miss that this isn't something anyone reads anymore, but if anyone does...I appreciate it.

It's my Carrie Bradshaw page...just like Bob always said,

Drinks After Work...

are a wonderful thing. I closed tonight with Vicki and we went to the Rusty Bucket for after work apertifs. Vicki is the coolest person...she is strong, funny, grounded and at times has been my sounding board and has always offered good advice. She came to Chicoland while she was still working for Chase in a management position. Her insight has always been invaluable to me.

Bob and I went to see "Virginia Woolf" last night. I had auditioned for the part of Martha (see past blog) and wasn't sure how I felt/feel about the show. I had done the part of Honey years ago with a stellar cast...at the time, I remember feeling like I wasn't up to the rest of the cast....like I wasn't pulling my weight. The whole rehearsal process of the show I was involved with was an adventure and a terror and so much fun in the DRAHMA of the whole thing. Norm, who played George, almost had a nervous breakdown...maybe not really but he became paralyzed with fear a couple of times in rehearsal...so many lines...didn't realize until last night how much George is on stage. I always thought the play was about Martha but last night's production was about George. I didn't agree with some of the choices made in the production but I think it's because they came at it from a differant angle.

Ii was singing and dancing at work tonight. We have finally gotten a good CD with stuff even the customers sing to...it also made me realize how much I want to be acting again. I just want to be out there and saying something, and expressing something and connecting. That's what acting is to me....it's connecting. To the people on stage with you...to that moment...to that quicksilver moment that is magic...to that one moment in however many performances that you hit some truth...of life...of yourself...it is an indescribable feeling...and it is rare. When that magic happens...when you have connected with your audience...you have told a story and gotten people INVOLVED....that is brilliant. To be a part of a show that has touched people...it is such a high and so humbling.

Ii remember years ago when I did the show "Fifth of July". It was maybe the first weekend of performance and one of my fellow actresses said to me " You have no idea of the power that you have."

The only place I have felt totally fearless and safe is onstage.

Pain...

My husband has been it for the past week. He has a tooth that needs be pulled due to a root canal gone bad and has had a hurting mouth, head...where ever that little sprout of pain wants show up...for the last four days. He has dealt with all of the hurt remarkably...but about this kind of stuff, he does tend to be stoic. Doesn't totally go into the cave. Needs small cuddle and then retreats. I feel bad for him and there was not much I could do for him this week except give cuddles and know to go away when he was growly.

I hope he feels much better when the offneder is removed.

It's nice to have some one be proud of you

...and when it is your husband, that just rocks the world. I know that we are really alwyas proud of our other half (that really is a truism...he knows me so well)but he is an actor as well and actor types get critical of each other...even when they love them. (The joke that is SOO true...How many actors does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 100...1 to do the job and 99 others to say they could have done it better).

Neither Bob nor I was cast in Virginia Woolf. I was so proud of him and wished the director had read him more. I wish that I had enough guts to stand up and ask if he would read us together...would have been fun.

I got the best rejection letter that II have ever had from an audtion. It made me feel like maybe I'm not so bad and do have some clue as to what I am doing acting wise. The best part...Bob has been bragging to friends about my good rejection. He even told me he was proud of me the night of audtions...as I was of him.

Bob and I both are really starting to get the bug again...I think that means we both have something to say.

I Auditioned...

...and it felt so good! Emerald City Players had auditions for "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?" last night and today. I had been enhcouraging Bob to audition. I think he would be great for the part...he needs to back on the horse...(he is a wonderful actor and hasn't audtioned for anything since he had to drop out of a show 5 years ago)...and I wanted hin to go for it.

Bob is an actor who loves the audtion process. He loves the immediacy of it, he loves the energy, the competitivness, the whole shebang...he just loves it. I, on the other hand, do not. I always feel like I am not giving enough or making connections with the other person auditioning...in general, I always worry that I am not pleasing someone enough. Acting...life...huh...not so much so differant.

On the way to auditions, Bob asked me if I was going to read. I really didn't know until I got into auditions. Martha is a part that I have always wanted to play but don't really think many people would cast me in. I'm small and she is bigger than life.

There were audition forms...I filled one out...I read. I don't think I did too bad...okay...I did really good. At least I went for it...I may have been over the top but I got to say her words at least once in front of people. I went for broke in my inappropriate outfit of saddle shoes and overalls...it just felt so good to be doing this strange thing that I have a passion for.

My Bobert did a tremendous read and I am so proud of him. He is scared of the lines..and George has a shitload. Having done the play so many years ago, I know George is such a hard roll for an actor. I know he can do this and I thought that he was the best person that night.

I wish that the director would have read Bob and I together. I wasn't real clear where he was going with auditions but that is his call and I don't have to know.

On the way home, we were talking and Bob said he didn't want to be cast and I really can't do the show...well, I could if work would cooperate. I think we both want to be cast and I want to do it with my husband. I think we could handle it.

More than anything...I want him to be cast. He would be tremendous and it is a role that he would have to work at. I think he's ready.

I am just glad I got to say the words out loud.