This morning...

...I had a meltdown.
It was triggered by the morning phone call from Evelyn. I was still in bed...mostly awake. Bob needed her key. It was in my purse...men don't get purses. Easier for me to go and find...but I went from emotional zero to sixty REAL fast. Know that throws Bob for a loop...me too.
He's got a raised clipped tone of voice...which to me can sound sarcastic...condescending...angry.  I guess the interpretation is how I choose to deal with it.
Today I couldn't. I didn't like his tone of voice with me. It felt angry and condescending.
I blew...loudly..
Do not talk to me in that tone of voice...and then fell apart crying..
What I told him through tears is that I worry about Evelyn everyday...pretty much once an hour.
I hate my job. Not accurate...what I hate is I don't feel like I'm taking care of anything well outside of my job. I don't feel like I'm doing great about my job either.
Our new DM? My insecure tapes have kicked in.
Bottom line is I realized I had a small panic attack today.
The first one I remember? During the coverage of President Kennedy's assassination...the week long coverage...afraid to go to sleep and can still remember feeling...upset and jittery. I was seven.
College...afraid to go to sleep. Showed up on Mario's doorstep completely panicked.
Took me off guard but at least I recognized.

Change...

...has to happen.
We have information and no idea which direction to go to find a place for Evelyn.
If there are people who walk you through this...
let me know.

I hung up...

...on my mother in law.
 I don't like that I did it...and in a tiny way... glad I did.
Evelyn has dementia. She is in an apartment...which is spotless...but she's starting downhill.
Evelyn wants to go back to Pittsburgh...where she grew up. Her home. I understand that.
Explain to her why that can't happen.
The conversation was back and forth...sorta nice until she started flinging inheritence and goddammits at me.
Told her I don't want to talk about money. We don't want it...
More signing papers...take my money...do whatever you want...godammitgodammit.
Said Evelyn if you keep swearing at me I will hang up. She did...so I did.
She called two hours later. One ring.
I'm planning on making her breakfast tomorrow.
I have a key.
We'll see if she talks to me.