...and have just read what I wrote in November. It is now January of 2010 and I feel so out of the loop about so much.
First off, I couldn't figure out why there was all this stuff about the decade...the past decade this...past decade that...until I finally noticed...2010...new decade. Time has just been swirling like the flush of a toilet. You just do what you do and then it's gone....swooosh.
I have been feeling depressed. I think that I need to make an appointment with my doctor and have little better living through chemistry. Don't know what has set this little bout off and wish I did. I keep thinking if I could only figure out that thing....
...but I do know what that thing is. I haven't felt creative in so long. I was so proud of Bob when he was doing "Inherit the Wind" and glad that I could help with costumes and so enjoyed coaching John...but I miss having my own voice. I can feel that tug at my soul...that need to express something...the need to communicate...to be heard. I feel like I have become a shadow of me...so many parts of me I am not engaging.
I remember years ago I did a show and one of the other cast members said to me "You have no idea of the power that you have." I remember just looking at her, gobsmacked. I don't think of me as powerful but that's because I am afraid of so many things. I learned at an early age that acting what you felt or not doing what others wanted led to humiliation and ridicule...best to avoid conflict. There was a moment many years back that I felt like I was coming into my self...that was the strongest I have ever felt in my life.
It bothers me more than I let him know that my husband does not want me to talk about work. I work retail...I work with women...there are problems and he's fix it kind of guy and I DO understand why he doesn't want to hear it...but I still need to talk about it. I know I get boring. When I blab about work, I'm trying to make my self heard.
I think that's it...I am feeling like I am not being heard.
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4 comments:
I hear you! And that tugging at your soul, that's just you, reminding you, that YOU're still in there, all shadows be damned. :)
This post is so heartfelt, I can truly empathize, including over the part about the man who doesn't want to hear about your day. That seems to be true of your entire blog, as well.
I'm following now, and would love to become friends with other likeminded people, like you, who also seem to enjoy blogging.
My blog is at http://soulfabric.blogspot.com/, just in case you'd like to stop by.
Peace,
Missy :)
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Sorry to delete my 1st comment, there was a typo that completely changed the meaning of what I was trying to say!
I can't believe somebody actually read what I wrote...and...well I'm gobsmacked.
Good! I hope you don't feel it to be an intrusion. I was touched by your post and just felt I wanted to let you know that someone heard you.
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