My son...

...got crapped on in a relationship. The emotional part happened about three months ago. This was a three year relationship and they had been living together for a year and a half. My child called me at work and was sobbing...gut wrenching sobs. He had been blindsided by the breakup...specifically the words from her "I just need my space". He loved this woman with all of his being.

I met her. I liked her. We never spent much time together but anecdotes he had passed along made me think she got him....they got each other. This was good match.

He called me yesterday with a string of very, very bad day stuff. He got a call from the car people (the car is her name but he cosigned on) that two car payments were missed. Pay now or we repo the car (which is in another city). He called her...she was expecting a tax return (never rely on government timing) and had to pay rent instead. God love my child...he understood. He paid the car payment but then he also had a call from the gas company because that bill was late. He called to try and make arrangements but it was in her name so he didn't have any power to do negotiate. His gas got cut off. He was scrambling to pull things out....and it was a time that we couldn't offer much help financially. That makes me sad.

He wasn't asking for help. I just wanted to give it. He wished he had been prepared. Finances were part of their issues..as I understand, she hadn't really worked for awhile....he was trying to pick up the slack.

I just want my manchild to be happy.

Steam...

..I'm running out of it. I just need a week away from work. I get lucky and have two days off in a row next week...a luxury.

I have vacation coming...going to Hilton Head with a best friend first week of May. Have my short timer's calendar but not sure if I can make it til then. Just feel tired and drained...I work retail..well, that explains it.

Worried because I don't feel great...not bad just not great...don't think I have ever felt really great since my New Orleans pneumonia bout. If your boss comes to work with pneumonia...how can you not? Not a good precedent. Could be on the verge of a body crash and burn...looking forward to Sunday and Monday.

A friend told me....

..while talking about my desire to audition for "Streetcar" that she saw Blanche as a big woman...she wasn't really talking stature...she couldn't explain it. I think she was talking about presence of energy. Her comment was "You would have to find a differant take on the role". My comment was "I would be the tiny little moth flinging itself at the light bulb".

That is how I see Blanche.

Auditions are in August. She sits in the back of my head.

Watching...

the sky mottle with lavender pink clouds that are deciding if they want to become a storm. The clouds matched my mood today. I have felt so off balance and fragile all day long and working retail on a day when feeling so...well somebody is going to up in tears.

And I did. The good thing was that it happened in our backroom so I didn't feel like a total out of control lunatic. The bad thing is that it happened at all.

The best thing that happened today was that a woman who had never shopped with us before come in looking for things for a trip to Italy. She was open for suggestions so I chose some things for her to try on and she had at it. She came out of the dressing room and I could tell she was happy with the way the outfits were looking. I asked if she would try a belt. She said sure. I asked if I could put it around her (we are trained to ask so we don't invade personal space) and her reply was "Sure. It's always nice to be hugged." Her comment resonated with me because I often wonder when I am helping someone on with a jacket or tying on a scarf if this is the only physical contact this person will have today...the thought that could be true makes me very sad. She bought some new clothes and TWO belts and was happy when she left. She really did look chic in what she bought. I don't even remember how much she spent...and really didn't care...what was important to me was that she liked how she looked. I could see that on her face in the mirror. Thank you, Miss Susan, for reminding me I do like about my job.

The worst of the day...the divas were out in force this morning. I played Babe in "Crimes of the Heart". In the play, a cousin asks Babe why she had shot her husband and Babe's reply is "I just didn't like the way he looked." The first diva stormed our store and within five minutes of her arrival, I could beaten her severely about the head and shouldar area with a hanger and my response would have been Babe's. There was something about her that just instantly set my teeth on edge. She just stormed in and was announcing by her attitude that Ms. Coolness had arrived. Joyce, my co-assistant manager, stepped up to help her...she'd helped her before. Ms. Cool loudly announced that she wouldn't come in this store if it weren't for Joyce and Karen (another co-worker). So...did she not see me? Was she trying to make a point? Was she letting me know that I am shit in her view? Actually, she probably didn't see me because most of the time we are just ghosts... who if you ask customers when they are checking out... neglected them and never talked to them even though every single associate in the store asked them if they needed a dressing room, can I help you find something...blahblahblah. Many customers think they can treat us like shit because they are doing us a favor...they are spending money in our store.

What I regret about ever taking this job that I have a love/hate relationship with...is it has made me view people differantly. It has made me not like them so much.

That makes me sad.