...sometimes everything is wrong and you need to sing along. Interesting that this song should be up on iTunes at this moment.
Serendipity.
Going to the parents tomorrow and feel like I am walking into a hornets nest of emotion. The Daddy Bear is home but not sure how well everyone is dealing. Walking into parental lives thrown into total upheaval...and my sisters...and yes, I do know how everyone is dealing. That would be not well and I sense people on the edge.
Feel like I am going into a situation that I am unprepared for...I have to be the grown up with my mother. She needs help...she's falling apart. My mother has always scared me...the words of a John Lennon song playing now "Yes, it's real life...no need to feel alone..yes...it's real love."
Maybe it time to tell Lucille to get over herself.
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Going to Cinci...
...looking forward to seeing my Dad. He is now in a a nursing home and should be back home in a couple of weeks. He's getting stronger and the fog seems to be lifting more and more each day.
I'm not looking forward to the trip because I think I have had my head in the sand about some things. My sister called on her way home today and the conversation was disturbing...not so much about my Dad, but about my Mum.
The most upsetting...my sister said that Mum has said things that made her think Mum is thinking about ending it...I won't put the word out there...but you know what it is. She is depressed. She has been depressed long before this ever happened...this is exacerbating the situation. I have recognized this in her for a very long time...the mirror of myself sometimes. So..I have to gird my loins and tell my Mum she needs better living through chemistry.
I have a strange relationship with Lucille. I have understood her unfulfilled dreams from...well...forever. I have always felt the the burden of what she didn't get to do on my shoulders and I have never felt like I lived up to what she expected. I felt the pain of her unfulfilled dreams...and I have spent much time time feeling like a disappointment.
My parents need to move. They bought the house in 1978 and it's good house. It is their first house and only owned house. When they bought and had the house built, my Dad loved it...Mum not so much. Trying to remember why she wasn't enamored...but she wasn't. My Mum has kind of turned into a hoarder...not like the TV intervention can't move in the house stuff...but I know we will never be eating another holiday dinner in their dining room....just too much stuff on the table to make go other places.
My sister has said my parents need to move to assisted living. I think she's jumping the gun..or I am being naive.
My sister brought up the monetary issue...and it's not good...and we can't help. We live like most people we know...paycheck to paycheck.
I'm scared.
I'm not looking forward to the trip because I think I have had my head in the sand about some things. My sister called on her way home today and the conversation was disturbing...not so much about my Dad, but about my Mum.
The most upsetting...my sister said that Mum has said things that made her think Mum is thinking about ending it...I won't put the word out there...but you know what it is. She is depressed. She has been depressed long before this ever happened...this is exacerbating the situation. I have recognized this in her for a very long time...the mirror of myself sometimes. So..I have to gird my loins and tell my Mum she needs better living through chemistry.
I have a strange relationship with Lucille. I have understood her unfulfilled dreams from...well...forever. I have always felt the the burden of what she didn't get to do on my shoulders and I have never felt like I lived up to what she expected. I felt the pain of her unfulfilled dreams...and I have spent much time time feeling like a disappointment.
My parents need to move. They bought the house in 1978 and it's good house. It is their first house and only owned house. When they bought and had the house built, my Dad loved it...Mum not so much. Trying to remember why she wasn't enamored...but she wasn't. My Mum has kind of turned into a hoarder...not like the TV intervention can't move in the house stuff...but I know we will never be eating another holiday dinner in their dining room....just too much stuff on the table to make go other places.
My sister has said my parents need to move to assisted living. I think she's jumping the gun..or I am being naive.
My sister brought up the monetary issue...and it's not good...and we can't help. We live like most people we know...paycheck to paycheck.
I'm scared.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
My Dad...
...is never going to be the Dad he was before all this stuff happened. He gets fuzzy and he was never a fuzzy man.
My sister and I deal with the situation in such different ways. She is the pitbull in the hospital...asking questions...demanding answers. How I admire that strength...wish I had it.
My sister is remarkable. She has put her life on hold (she is retired) but she has put her life on hold to be with my Mum. They have had such an oil and water relationship that maybe this is good thing. They both relinquish power for the good of the whole.
I told my Mum I couldn't be down for a week until the first in November. That was met with a silent moment. A beat...and then "I know you have to work." Made me feel bad.
My Dad's introduction of my claim to fame as being married three times bothered me. I know he was not himself when he said that (and it was funny in an uncomfortable kind of way)...but what came out of him was so in the moment. A Truth. I realized that I am the Black Sheep of our family...took me by surprise.
My sister and I deal with the situation in such different ways. She is the pitbull in the hospital...asking questions...demanding answers. How I admire that strength...wish I had it.
My sister is remarkable. She has put her life on hold (she is retired) but she has put her life on hold to be with my Mum. They have had such an oil and water relationship that maybe this is good thing. They both relinquish power for the good of the whole.
I told my Mum I couldn't be down for a week until the first in November. That was met with a silent moment. A beat...and then "I know you have to work." Made me feel bad.
My Dad's introduction of my claim to fame as being married three times bothered me. I know he was not himself when he said that (and it was funny in an uncomfortable kind of way)...but what came out of him was so in the moment. A Truth. I realized that I am the Black Sheep of our family...took me by surprise.
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Formidable Women ...
...are who my friends are. I was thinking about my ladies and was just gobsmacked at the talent that surrounds me by knowing them...so many different talents. They are creative, artistic...they are brilliant to me.
I feel like I have been letting them down...
I feel like I have been letting them down...
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