Going to Cinci...

...looking forward to seeing my Dad. He is now in a a nursing home and should be back home in a couple of weeks. He's getting stronger and the fog seems to be lifting more and more each day.

I'm not looking forward to the trip because I think I have had my head in the sand about some things. My sister called on her way home today and the conversation was disturbing...not so much about my Dad, but about my Mum.

The most upsetting...my sister said that Mum has said things that made her think Mum is thinking about ending it...I won't put the word out there...but you know what it is. She is depressed. She has been depressed long before this ever happened...this is exacerbating the situation. I have recognized this in her for a very long time...the mirror of myself sometimes. So..I have to gird my loins and tell my Mum she needs better living through chemistry.

I have a strange relationship with Lucille. I have understood her unfulfilled dreams from...well...forever. I have always felt the the burden of what she didn't get to do on my shoulders and I have never felt like I lived up to what she expected. I felt the pain of her unfulfilled dreams...and I have spent much time time feeling like a disappointment.

My parents need to move. They bought the house in 1978 and it's good house. It is their first house and only owned house. When they bought and had the house built, my Dad loved it...Mum not so much. Trying to remember why she wasn't enamored...but she wasn't. My Mum has kind of turned into a hoarder...not like the TV intervention can't move in the house stuff...but I know we will never be eating another holiday dinner in their dining room....just too much stuff on the table to make go other places.

My sister has said my parents need to move to assisted living. I think she's jumping the gun..or I am being naive.

My sister brought up the monetary issue...and it's not good...and we can't help. We live like most people we know...paycheck to paycheck.

I'm scared.