How do you figure out how to say goodbye to someone who has been a part of your life for twentysome years? This person got married and their life has changed and they are moving....all good stuff...but I also have the feeling that when they move they will never be back. I guess the word is closure...they are doing their form of closure and just starting over.

I'm being selfish. I just don't want to think that I won't be able to see this person and talk to them and just see how they are...that they just won't be around anymore. I know that this person is happy and is in love and more content than I could ever have imagined...and yes, again the "S" word and that's all it is...because they have part of my history and somehow I guess I wonder like we all do...do those people we loved carry us in their hearts and lives like we still do them?

I call them the Freebase moments...when you're driving or running the vacuum cleaner and your thoughts wander to some time or place or incident or person...we hold those moments in our souls. Those are the times that you remember your first kiss, how you should have done something better at work, that moment onstage that was problem and NOW I know how that line should have been said, how I could have appreciated someone better. I guess I just never think that I could be someone's freebase moment.

I also wonder about the term "Verbal Vomit" and whether it was a good thing or a bad thing. Throwing up is never good....messy, it gets on stuff, hard to clean up (paperbags next to a bed side always good in cases of the flu....easily disposable....who knew I could have a helpful Mom tip.

I have a five year anniversary coming up. My husband is the best. He bought us a cord of wood...fifth is wood. Good for building the slowburning fires...I'm learning to be patient in my firebuilding.

I Can't Edit....or thoughts on blogging

I don't know how to edit stuff after I get it out there...the last post turned into something differant than I thought when I started writing...in a good way but then the title was wrong and not what I meant to say and does that really matter?

I got started doing this blog thing because I had friends from "(W)holes" (please see earlier blog) who had them and I wanted to be hip, cool...okay, a little..but I really wanted to read what they had to say...to stay in touch...and put myself out there. It IS like writing a diary and it is strange to think that I might have anything to say anybody would be interested in.

I love reading my friends blogs. I hear their voices in their words...better than phone calls. The cool thing about blogs is it is like writing letters...sometimes we can be more honest when we write stuff down.

Bob tells me that my blogs sometimes sound like Carrie Bradshaw...she questioned the world and her place in it...so do I, so do we all.

A good thought for finding your place int the world...don't pee in the sand box and always try to play nice with the other kids.

I would have been left on the plains...or another way the "Media" has tainted us

We have a fireplace and I love everything about it. It just goes with the bookshelves, it gives ambiance and warmth, it's romantic and I build the worst fires in the world. No matter how many newspapers I wad up underneath the logs, no matter how high I get the flame going with the gas starter thingy (which scared the crap out of me the first time I got bold enough to use it...it makes a big WHOOSH when it kicks on)...I only get a glow. Not a Norman Rockwell picturesque fire, not a lovely English cottage fire...I got nothing but little glowing sparks...a big flame and then nothing but slow burning embers.

Isn't it funny...I was just thinking about how we build fires in our fireplaces and am equating it to relationships or what we do in our lives...I guess a revelation. Maybe I have always wanted a big flame...passion, drama, blahblahblah. What I have is the little smoldering stuff...which actually when you look at embers are the fires that burn the white hottest, have the bluest purest flames and really are the prettiest to watch...the bluer the flame the hotter the fire...you just have to wait for it to spark something else.

I did get frustrated one day making a fire and it went to smoking and didn't ignite and told Bob that I would have been the pioneer that would have been kicked off the Wagon Train...left on the Plains. He laughed and said you just never knew how to build a fire but you would learned if someone taught you.

I guess he's teaching me.

Halloween...

I read cards on Hallween at the Black Horse....or as it is sometimes affectionately and aptly known, the Black Whole. It is a bar that Bob and I frequent and it really is our "Cheers". One of our friends described it as the the Island of Misfit Toys. I don't know how I quite feel about being a misfit toy but some days I think that is an apt description.

So.. I read my cards on Halloween. I had not gotten my cards out for years and when I offered to do this, I felt like I was being arrogant. I guess maybe I just felt that the time was right. I think of whatever readings I have been able to do as a gift and a privilege. I hope that whatever I talked to people about made them feel better and helped in some small way. Blessed be...always.

My store manager broke her ankle and is out until January...although she was going to quit but yadayadayada. So now the fun begins and the playing of the games.

So...my favorite question....what was the best thing about your day? Even if you are having a crappy day, ther is ALWAYS a best thing....we just need to look for it. My best thing....flufing the bed for Bob when he came home after watching football with his peeps (the phrase still makes me laugh) and spraying perfume on the sheets just because it smells good and is soothing and not hospital cornering his side of the bed so he didn't have to fight sheets so hard to go to sleep.

....mind you, my side of the bed is an envelope. All I can say is I must have been swaddled way too tight.

Did you miss me..maybe a second?