My Parents...

...because I love this picture of them. It's their Christmas card picture this year.

My Christmas Spirit...

...has not been so spirituous of late, but as I sit here and see snow out my window and the lights from our tree reflected I think it might be arousing.

We had friends over last Saturday to trim the tree and it was lovely. The menfolk did the lights...as it should be. It's a Boy Job. (Sorry, but there are some things that are just Boy Jobs...especially at Holidays. My Dad was the only one who ever put the lights on our Christmas tree...so there you go.) The Lady-folk hung the garland because it involved draping...and well, that would be a girl job. We all did our jobs well and the tree is lovely. Best part...people that I love were there to do this together.

Every Christmas we have lived here...when we bring our Christmas tree home...I always think about the families that lived here before us and the debates about where to put the tree. Our house was built in 1941...so that was a lot of debating. The funny thing is that I think all of the trees probably were in the same spot...it just feels right...like this is where the tree belongs. Tried to put it in different places last year but it ended back where it was meant to be.

Since we have lived here, our Christmas trees have gotten...well...just fatter and more Christmas tree y. Don't know how to explain it. Like that in our present we have connected with the past and all those who had celebrations here long before us.

It is a whisper that is embracing and comforting.

I wish for everyone this next year to have "Wings That Work". That is taken from the title of one of my favorite books "A Wish for Wings that Work" by Berkeley Breathed. He was the creator of "Bloom County" and this was his Christmas book about Opus, the little penguin, and his dream to fly.

This little book reminds me that in each of us lies a big dream...and that our dreams are in our reach...that we can all fly in a way that we never thought we could.

It's Christmas...it's about hope and love.

Go forth and spread joy.

May you always be blessed.

I haven't felt the same...

...about my job since "the incident"...as I have chosen to refer to it. (Read previous post if that comment doesn't make sense). As an addendum to the story, she returned everything she bought that day.

I don't feel like I am doing my best...working as hard. I think I'm just getting tired. That persons treatment of me just kind of put a capper on it. I was telling my Mum about it the other day on the phone (I didn't tell her when it happened)...and I realized I was physically shaking as I was retelling.

I find myself thinking what's the point? I do get to converse with wonderful women and occasionally get to help them see themselves in a different light...get them to step out of the box and do something different...even though oftentimes that different is wearing a belt.

A couple of weeks ago, one of regulars said a really cool thing to me. I had some funked up so not corporate approved outfit on...my basic black and I was feeling rebellious...so I was probably looking Steampunkish. The customer said to me "You always look great...it could be costumey but it's never over the edge...always interesting. You wear it well". I should have sent her a thank you note.

I put my favorite New Orleans picture up because that moment...in that taking of that picture...it was brilliant. I can still picture everything about that moment...being in the back of that pick up truck...the heat in the wind as it whipped around...us with huge smiles because...well it was brilliant.

I do remember on that drive from the airport that for awhile everything looked good....houses all redone or okay. A couple of blocks later...you would see one house redone and the rest of the block was still boarded up...then there were blocks that were boarded. It was disconcerting...it seemed random.

I love the photo I put up because I felt so safe in that moment.

The Picure of Me...

...that I posted I keep wanting to take down. A lovely dear friend they like the photo so.

I had a customer YELL at me in the middle of my store yesterday. It made me shake and I was in the back room sobbing. I have never been so verbally attacked...well, yes, I have...but not by a person I have never met before. She told me that I was rude, arrogant, asked her questions which implied she stupid, that I was snobbish and...and it went on to wonderful to levels from there. I was literally shaking. She told me to get away from her and I asked another of ladies to help her. I went to the sales desk because there was a return and the person had kept shopping...I asked the other manager about the return...and the next thing I know the woman is IN MY FACE accusing me of talking about her...everyone in the store was staring. Some of these people I have dealt with...I was humiliated. I WAS SO ANGRY...I had to hold to to the desk because I was shaking. I said to her "Does it it make you feel you feel good to stand here and make me me feel like crap?".

I looked at Joyce and said "Excuse me...I'm off the floor." In the back of head, I saw Sigourney Weaver in "Working Girl". I went into the backroom and sobbed.

I thought somehow I had caused this...done something to to deserve this. I didn't handle something right.

The worst is that I thought I am going to be in trouble because I talked back to a customer. This is going to be a big complaint call.

The worst of it...I went to the back room and cried. She shopped for two more hours with help.

What's wrong with this picture?

My Sister...

...is a remarkable woman. I wouldn't say that we are particularly close. We have only recently learned to say to each other "I love you" when we end a phone conversation.

We mean it...we know it...why did it take us so long to say it out loud?

My sister and I are so different...yin and yang. She has always been grounded...always seeming to have a plan and knowing where she was going and I was always kind of flighty by comparison. I wonder if I just given more leave to be flighty...but I don't think it's in her genetic make up.

My sister was a teacher. She tells of people coming up to her in the grocery store or wherever and saying "Miss Davis, I was in your class. Do you remember me?" I don't think it's so important that she remembered them...but that they remembered her. She made a mark.

My sister was a tough teacher...and she taught Home Ec and moved to computing when the Home Ec department got cut. She expected the best out of everyone. You were given a task...complete it. She demanded expectations be met...no compromise.

My sister's dilemma...she worked in affluent school district where the students became "clients" and "My child cannot fail". She also worked in a school district at the time when mainstreaming was the buzzword and practice. Good in theory. My sister had a couple of students who were Autistic...maybe Augberger's Syndrome...but they weren't easy to deal with...but she did.

Most importantly, she did it with a lot of physical pain. Her knees are bad...her back is bad...quite frankly she's a mess.

She has no idea of what a mark she has made.

My Dad....

...asked me about my job when I was home. I had told him a while ago that changes were in the air and that would/could mean good things for me. Progression...growth...maybe getting noticed more. I had told him these things back in June when they were told to me...with the vow of secrecy attached.

In all that has happened to my Dad in the last couple of months, he has asked me about my job and what about the things I was told would happen. The first time was when he was in hospital rehab. I told him that it was still in the works. When I was home two weeks ago, he said to me "You didn't get what you were promised." I answered "Well, it's still in the works and they're making changes"....blahblahblah...because I didn't want to answer "No". I didn't want to answer no because I believed in the person who had put those ideas out there. Now I think it was an agenda.

It's funny about work. I am on my fourth store manager now and I don't think that I have changed the way I do my job...but how I am perceived is interesting. The progression: brilliant;so lucky to have you; she knows about the computers; "fucking idiot"; "I'm not going to look bad because of you"; "You have the talent to go to the next level"; "You really are the one runs this store".

So it means I don't know where I am in my job...except I have one that I have a love/hate relationship with.

If I am honest...I'm tired of being treated badly.

Everybody Hurts...

...sometimes everything is wrong and you need to sing along. Interesting that this song should be up on iTunes at this moment.

Serendipity.

Going to the parents tomorrow and feel like I am walking into a hornets nest of emotion. The Daddy Bear is home but not sure how well everyone is dealing. Walking into parental lives thrown into total upheaval...and my sisters...and yes, I do know how everyone is dealing. That would be not well and I sense people on the edge.

Feel like I am going into a situation that I am unprepared for...I have to be the grown up with my mother. She needs help...she's falling apart. My mother has always scared me...the words of a John Lennon song playing now "Yes, it's real life...no need to feel alone..yes...it's real love."

Maybe it time to tell Lucille to get over herself.

Going to Cinci...

...looking forward to seeing my Dad. He is now in a a nursing home and should be back home in a couple of weeks. He's getting stronger and the fog seems to be lifting more and more each day.

I'm not looking forward to the trip because I think I have had my head in the sand about some things. My sister called on her way home today and the conversation was disturbing...not so much about my Dad, but about my Mum.

The most upsetting...my sister said that Mum has said things that made her think Mum is thinking about ending it...I won't put the word out there...but you know what it is. She is depressed. She has been depressed long before this ever happened...this is exacerbating the situation. I have recognized this in her for a very long time...the mirror of myself sometimes. So..I have to gird my loins and tell my Mum she needs better living through chemistry.

I have a strange relationship with Lucille. I have understood her unfulfilled dreams from...well...forever. I have always felt the the burden of what she didn't get to do on my shoulders and I have never felt like I lived up to what she expected. I felt the pain of her unfulfilled dreams...and I have spent much time time feeling like a disappointment.

My parents need to move. They bought the house in 1978 and it's good house. It is their first house and only owned house. When they bought and had the house built, my Dad loved it...Mum not so much. Trying to remember why she wasn't enamored...but she wasn't. My Mum has kind of turned into a hoarder...not like the TV intervention can't move in the house stuff...but I know we will never be eating another holiday dinner in their dining room....just too much stuff on the table to make go other places.

My sister has said my parents need to move to assisted living. I think she's jumping the gun..or I am being naive.

My sister brought up the monetary issue...and it's not good...and we can't help. We live like most people we know...paycheck to paycheck.

I'm scared.

My Dad...

...is never going to be the Dad he was before all this stuff happened. He gets fuzzy and he was never a fuzzy man.

My sister and I deal with the situation in such different ways. She is the pitbull in the hospital...asking questions...demanding answers. How I admire that strength...wish I had it.

My sister is remarkable. She has put her life on hold (she is retired) but she has put her life on hold to be with my Mum. They have had such an oil and water relationship that maybe this is good thing. They both relinquish power for the good of the whole.

I told my Mum I couldn't be down for a week until the first in November. That was met with a silent moment. A beat...and then "I know you have to work." Made me feel bad.

My Dad's introduction of my claim to fame as being married three times bothered me. I know he was not himself when he said that (and it was funny in an uncomfortable kind of way)...but what came out of him was so in the moment. A Truth. I realized that I am the Black Sheep of our family...took me by surprise.

Formidable Women ...

...are who my friends are. I was thinking about my ladies and was just gobsmacked at the talent that surrounds me by knowing them...so many different talents. They are creative, artistic...they are brilliant to me.

I feel like I have been letting them down...

My Dad...

...has to have bypass surgery tomorrow. He's 86 and a healthy 86...well except for this.

Okay..I'm putting my fear out there. My Mum has said that he made comments to the effect of "I've lived a good life"...that makes me nervous. It has been reported that this comment has been made a couple of times over the past year. It has also been reported that Jimmie is pissed because he doesn't golf his age...the man shoots a 91!!!! I told him I have friends that would kill to shoot what he does and they are many years younger. My Dad has been in the hospital since Sunday and is not a happy camper. That's a good thing...he is definitely not being a patient patient.

My fear....

To be Honest...

...just a tiny envious.. I want to be in a show, too.

My Husband is in a play...

...and I am not. It was a show I wanted to do...auditioned twice for...and I get it! I'm not right for the part.

But my Bobert is SO right for Mitch...and he has begun to kick into actor mode. This role is a challenge for him...probably one of the most demanding shows he's ever had. I think it scares him...in the best of ways.

Having been talking about this play between Bob, John and I since the first night of audition...this play is an onion...so many layers...so many interpretations.

If you read this, go to youtube and look up the discussion with Natasha Richardson, Jessica Lange, John C. Reilly, Christian Slater..."Glass Menagerie" and "Streetcar" were revived on Broadway at the same time....wonderful observations...particularly Richardson's take on Brando...spot on.

Here's my bottom line...months ago I gasped when I saw someone was doing "Streetcar"...because I wanted to audition...but knew this was my husband's show...he's perfect for the part.

As Rene would say...that was wonderful...now work on it. Sounds harsh in printed words...never harsh in person...you were just pushed gently to do your best.

Glad my Bobert is being challenged...he's going to surprise people.

Monday is Coming...

...and I can't go on Sunday...this would be to auditions for "Streetcar Named Desire". I have so been fluctuating about going to this audition that I gasped when I saw it was on this theater's season SIX MONTHS ago! I am going Monday.

Bob has started to read the play and I think he would be a brilliant Mitch. He was to the end of the first act and said to me "You know...you have a lot of Blanche in you" and I said "Yes, I do". I don't think we were talking about the same things...but it's true.

I know my physical limitations...meaning I know I'm not pretty...and I think people see Blanche as pretty. I wish I were thinner go into auditions...I guess I wish I were a number of things going into auditions...pretty, graceful, tall,, willowy...well...that ain't gong to happen by Monday.

The cool thing is...I see her differantly than I did when I auditioned for the part many years ago...I wasn't ready then.

I just want to give it my best shot.

What am I THINKING....

Lovely Jack..

...is in our charge this week. Our friend Toni is spending the week at Chautauqua on a business trip. Her company is sponsoring writing workshops this week and she got to be the designated person to go. Brilliant!

Bob and I get to be Auntie and Uncle to Jack, her dog. Toni is a "back door" neighbor...and the other night I went to her house and Jack met me at the door with a small jump up and a walk away..."Oh, it's you" kind of moment. Happy wagging of tail involved but pretty much a family moment. Jack is having a hard time adjusting to our not frosty apartment.

Toni loaned me an iPod for my forays to the gym. YES...I have joined a gym and I am going to a softer version of Maqdonna arms.

Which goes to another thing...dealing with people in mirrors everyday. It's hard anymore to talk to someone without looking at them in a mirror. I always hide
out side of the mirror's range..usually behind a rack...my head poked around. The mirror thing has happened because that is the image this person is seeing...the one in the mirror. The funny thing is that the mirror image is so false. In my whole store we probably have on reasonable mirror...the rest are fun house mirrors.

I hate working around mirrors all day and have learned to avoid them...hence forth the poking of head. Even on my best dressed feeling days, I can go into work and catch sight of myself in any one of our SIX mirrors and dissect myself...and I always feel the scalpel.

What I Wish...

...is that I wasn't worried about my Dad and that Cory was here so I could hug him. I miss my child's Tootsie Roll thumbs. He has thumbs that are round at the top and skinny in the middle...they remind of the tootsie roll pops.

I wish my child would give it up and call his Grandpa. Both sentimental, caring, stubborn men who love each other...and someone needs to figure out a way to make nice.

My Fuzzy Picture...

is my little freak flag flying with my Committee. Find the picture disturbing, funny, comforting, intense and not necessarily in that order. I think the picture captures me with my friends...Kathylynn...we had this moment Thursday and I loved holding your hand and laughing...Connie...you and I have had many such moments...DooDah to the infinite power.

Thank you to all of the Committee Members in my life.

You so rock my world.

 

I think...

...I might be owning my freak flag.

....meaning I think I really like where I am right now...it feels like a cusp...like a season of change awaits. It feels kind of scary.

I have a man who I adore who has told me at different times he hates my haircuts, he hates my tattoos, he hates my pierced ears...but these comments don't matter because this man would turn the world upside down if it was in his power to protect me and keep me safe. He is always encouraging of me to push myself...to take risks...to follow dreams. He gets mad at me because I stick my self.

I love that I have a Philosopher and a Dreamer for a husband.

Facebook can be wonderful....

...but it can make me feel bad. I still feel sometimes like I am having my hats (which I did wear...suede newsboys caps...wish I had them now) hit off my head on the school bus every time I wore them by the "cool" girl next door. It's funny...as I type this I can so remember every time that that happened...I tried to diffuse the situation and pretend that "HaHa...what a funny joke...blahblahblah"...the stuff you say you say so you can just get off the bus with some middle school/freshman year of high school dignity intact.

We moved to Syracuse when I around 11 years old. Another move...another time having to make friends...again. There was a group of kids that lived in the apartment complex where we moved and me, being the needy little puppy wanting to be part of a litter, tried to jump right in. This was a tough crowd to try and break into.Mind you, they were apartment dwellers like my family...which meant you were an Army brat and your Dad was doing some job that meant you only going to be there short term...your Dad did some job like my Dad which meant you could be moving soon...or you just lived there because that's where you live. It's funny thinking about this and looking back on it with different eyes.

I always thought I was a middle of the road fit in kind of girl...and looking back I have always marched to my slightly left of center drummer. Nothing extreme but just enough to get your hat hit off your head.

I make the joke about "I may not do marriage well, but I do divorce great". I have never stopped loving my ex-husbands. The love has changed. They are part of my family...the distant relatives you are happy to see when your paths cross but who you don't go out of your way to contact.

So...I wonder what I am really typing about.

I guess it's this. I always have had a freak flag to fly. I guess I always knew it...i.e. continuing to wear hats that were going to be smacked off my head...and I stuffed it down for a long time. Sometimes because of partners, most times because of me.

I may not love what I see in the mirror everyday...that age thingy...but I love that my flag is slowly rising up the mast.

I Really Like...

...that I have this little space in the big internet world to put down my thoughts. I have always liked writing and somehow putting down thoughts here makes me feel a little like I am writing.

I suppose it's actually more of a journal. I have tried to keep a journal and it never works. It made me feel like I was trying to make something of nothing or I was pretty much beating myself up. It's easy to do that when you know that no one (hopefully) will ever see what you have put on paper.

So...I share my thoughts here...and an occasional rant.

I never really thought that anyone would read it and never expected that anyone would but I know there are a couple of friends who do.

Thank you...that makes me feel good.

I thought there would be more time...

...my lovely Connie said to me today. We were talking about the loss of a friend who was instrumental in both our lives...it was because of him that our lives intertwined some 29 years back.

We always think there will be more time. It is our flaw as human beings. We long for it..we yearn for it...and yet we take time for granted. It's not that we take time for granted. We take our relationships for granted. It is so easy to put them on a back burner. Without the people in our lives who love us, cry when we cry, buoy us up when needed and celebrate our victories...and yes, give us a big reality check...and we hopefully do the same for them...what is the point?

But that is the point. To know that you have had a remarkable person in your life...who put their hand print on your soul...who made their mark and changed you forever.

I challenge everyone with Rene's words..."That was a choice...but perhaps there are better choices to be made."

Go forth and find your best. He always did.

Thank you, Rene.

You rock my world.

I feel..

Kicking to the Curb...

I remember after we moved in and there was some piece of furniture that we needed to have go away. I mentioned to the neighbor that we could just put it on the curb and put a sign on it and it would be gone. His response "Not in this neighborhood".

At the time, his response took me back....that would be a bad thing to do.

I am a garbage picker from way back. I appalled my husband when we lived in Delaware when on a walk I found a perfectly good just needed painted wicker chair kicked to the curb. I carried it home happy as could be and he walked paces ahead. This was new to him. The rescued much loved chair went through three color changes and had a happy life with us.

We will have been here three years come August and what I have learned is that everyone kicks stuff to curb and knows that someone will make it go away. We just live in a neighborhood that has a better class of stuff kicked to the curb.

Life can be lucky that way.

Begin the Beguine...

...and my to do list has been started. Hung sheets and pillowcases out on the clothesline and brought them back in on the same day! Bringing laundry in on the same day is a big deal.

I have had experience with clotheslines in my past. I love them. I like taking the clothes out in a basket and enjoy the act of putting the clothes on the line..the satisfying way the clothespins snap in your fingers and hold the fabric...and I am notorious for not bringing the clothes back in. If I had a nickel for every clothesline of laundry that got rained on and or redirtied from dust...well...I could...okay...not a fortune...but STILL!

I wonder why do I do this...the lingering of the clothes on the line? It's not hard to bring take stuff off the line...it's more work if I leave it hang there...and I have faded many an item of clothing leaving it on the line.

A clothesline means comfort to me...my Mom had one at certain points. My Grandmas did. I think my Grandma Egloff had one that was run between buildings in East Pittsburgh...I may be romanticizing but I think it's true. It gives me warm fuzzies to see the fabric waving in the breeze. It's somehow tradition and security all rolled into one...and that's why I hate to bring the laundry off the line. I

...except for this particular clothesline.

I think it's a little rebellious to have one in our neighborhood. I don't think our neighbors mind because I think they interpret it as "greenness"...they plant gardens and lay patios (she...not he...did it and I was so impressed!)and ride bikes and...well...I have a clothesline.

It feels like tradition with a little rebellion...I like it.

It'll make me get the clothes off the line on the same day.

My To Do List for Summer...

...in no order of importance.

Hang wash on the clothesline...and bring it in on the same day.
Use my roller skates on a regular basis.
Ride my little bike to work at least three times. I do love my streamers...thank you, Joyce.
Get a pool pass and use it at every available opportunity. I want serious...at least for me...tan lines come September.
Visit our parents at least three times each.
Get more sleep...and get another set of pretty Shabby Chic sheets from Target to wiggle myself into. Even though they will be really pink and flowery, Bob thinks they feel good, too.
Find a place to Karaoke comfortable enough that all our friends will get up and sing...it's good to be stupid with friends.
Use all of the vacation time I have accrued...a pipe dream...but a good dream.
I want to visit my child in his hometown of Portland.
I want to audition and get cast in "Streetcar".

Most important...

I want a summer with the people I love and want them on our porch, in our kitchen, around us...with us.

What could be better?

Been thinking about it...

...and just want it to be known...

In my nine years with my company, I have probably "given" at least two weeks of my time. Time that was never acknowledged...and if it was...it was "promised" back.

What the hell was I thinking?

Reading...

...my comment in my last posting about having to prove myself made me feel I was being a tad self righteous...therefore I rethink.

Don't we all have to prove ourselves everyday?

We do it at our jobs, with our loved ones, with our friends...in our everyday existence. We do it by doing the best that we can...by trying to be best of what we are.

My Bobert is a great teacher in doing his best. He probably doesn't see that about himself but I do. He is there at the ready when someone needs him. A while back our friend Molly was running a high fever and feeling crappy and scared. Bob went to the drug store and got a care package of what she needed...and added his own get better fixes...Gatorade and crappy tabloids. (Trust me...reading the National Enquirer when you're sick somehow does make you feel better.) He is just a force for good...even when he has a dark day. How I love him so.

I don't feel like I have doing my best lately...so yes...I need to prove myself...mostly to myself.

Not quite feeling up to the challenge but I'm gonna try.

Is it wrong...

...to want a life that matches your friends? Meaning you have the same hours. I always feel a half step out of every one's life. I wonder if it it is worth it. I have given away so much away of the things I am passionate about to a company who I think doesn't really know I exist. I am an employee number that is sent a pay check...I am a body that moves the store around...I am dispensable.

After nine years with this company, they are NOW hiring within. After nine years with this company...seven of which under a Napoleonic manager...I NOW have to PROVE my self.

QUITE FRANKLY, IM'DONE!!!!!

I am tired of of y'all coming in and playing dress up and I have to pick your clothes up off the floor...and I mean OFF THE FLOOR! How special you are, that every thing you tried on can be discarded to the floor.


I am over people treating me like crap because I don't go fast enough...meaning you have have been trying stuff on for three hours and...OMG...you are SOOOOO LATE.....and I am suddenly being so slow at doing my job....and I get angry thrown at me.. Happens a lot....A LOT.

Here's dilemma...customer complaint...long term customer...REALLLLLY UNHAPPY! It was the store manager who treated her badly. What do I do with this information? Rock and a hard place.

We generally pay our part time people appallingly not enough an hour and expect them to be our beck and call girls. Our store has a great team...we've been together a while...we are in for the whole..and I don't think any of them are paid their worth...

None of us are.

I think my company feels we are all disposable commodities. Without US in your stores, you are just a TV commercial ...a magazine wish list.

I feel a rebellion bubblng to the surface.

What was....

...your best moment on vacation? John asked that tonight. I said riding my little faux surfboard really far into shore...I felt brilliant on a two foot wave.

Actually, the best moment was Connie and me in the car after lunch at the cool rest stop in West Virginia (the name starts with a T and the name is gone and I am getting SOOO old). A mishap with seat belts and gum made us deeply belly laugh for at least five minutes. It was the best moment because it was so us.

Thank you Connie...for so many things.

For wanting to go on vacation with me and inviting me.

For sticking with me when I have disappeared.

For sending me home from a rehearsal where I was totally screwing up...almost quit that night and put my script in your door...what stopped me was I loved you more and I wanted to do my best for you.

You are a force to be reckoned with...even if you don't think so.

My real favorite moment of vacation is us on the deck at the house...just talking. Loved it.

You are the Intelligentsia and I am the Flake...we complement each other.

So to Connie...

Thank you for your company. I've missed it more than you know.

You are perfect. Just as you are.

Observations....

....gleaned from the Island

While sitting on a beach, there should always be small children in big hats nearby to watch as they run to the ocean with their Mom chasing behind. Short little legs jumping in tide pools is thing of joy.

God did a really good thing when he made the ocean and sand.

Every vacation needs planners and go with the flow-ers. I am definitely a flow-er. I hope I didn't make my planners crazy.

You do need two weeks and not because of travel time. It takes a good two days to get into the rhythm of where you are...especially going from North to South.

Breaking things (like a bathtub water stopper drain thingy) doesn't have to be a moment of panic. We panic because it's not our house and we (I) felt like I broke the house. You do what you do at home...find someone to fix it.

Really nice, thick bath towels are thing of beauty and wonder.

Breakfast should always be eaten overlooking a dock on the ocean with an open window nearby so you can smell the sea air. Watching a family trying to kayak while we ate was a bonus. We all had fun.

The Metropolitan martini bar had closed. Made me sad it wasn't there. Was looking forward to having a Sex and the City moment with Connie...reminiscent of my first visits to the Island. Kay, Connie and I having a drink there....talking and laughing. Connie, Amy and I having having a drink there...talking and laughing. Realized I was trying to capture a feeling...that going out dressed up moment of being with your girlfriends...

Rocking chairs should be a requirement on every porch. They encourage conversation...and the wonderful comfortable silences. I will find one for my porch.

Going into the ocean with a piece of glorified styrofoam will make you want to hit that "perfect wave" and ride into shore. Granted the waves may be three feet...but I did catch a good one and I laughed like a loon. It was just freeing and perfect.

Hate jelly fish. Was out in the ocean and saw a dark spot floating close to me....jellyfish...couldn't move fast enough away. Saw big ones washed up onshore from the low tide. Saw a product in a store I wish I had bought...Jelly Fish Squish...it was a spray for jelly fish stings.

I made the comment at dinner one night that there could be a business opportunity in the peeing on jelly fish stings...what a great comment to make to make a good impression on your friends beau. Still think it's a valuable defintiely male dominated service...better aim.

I can't miss you....

...if you don't go away. It was something my husband said to me the first time I went away for vacation with my girlfriends. It was his way of saying go and have fun and do those things you do with them because I don't get and you need it. It made me fall in love with him all over again.

I'm off to Hilton Head tomorrow with one of my oldest, bestest, dearest friends. We never seem to see each that months have past...but to me it never seems that way. She is always in my thoughts. I don't think she believes it but I do have conversations with her in my head..meaning stuff happens and I think about she would react to it and what she would tell/advise me...I'm glad we can pick "us" up...it's good to know that someone has your history.

We are meeting up with our friend Amy...my longest friend...known her since college...I get to meet Amy's beau for the first time...Connie has met him before...and well, it makes me nervous. It makes me nervous because Amy is in love with this man and I want to make a good impression. I know that seems silly...

I remember the first couple of times Molly and Bob were around each other. He so pissed her off and ruffled her feathers...he can be a bull in a china shop....he is SO missing the conversational censor chip sometimes...his innocent heart and my explanations have him getting slapped upside the head more than he knows.

He loves the ocean. Wish he were going with us...but we would make him crazy.

Next year, I'm taking him to the beach.

Eleven Days....

...and I off to the Island with Connie and meeting Amy and finally get to meet Charlie.

I am looking forward to spending hours in the car with Connie and catching up. We have not seen each other in an obscene length of time. It never seems as long a time as it actually is to me because I always have conversations with her...albeit in my head...and I know that sounds a little insane...but it's true. She is just always with me.

One of the greatest things about this vacation is that I don't have a cell phone. Which means I have to call my husband in the old fashioned collect call...bet you haven't done that since college or in a major emergency. I don't even know if I remember how to call collect but I will find out. The second greatest thing is I don't have a cell phone and enough said.

I am so looking forward to spending time with Connie and Amy and sighting gekkos...they seem to be our good luck charm. Every time we have been to Hilton Head, we have daily gekko sightings. The last time Connie, Amy and I went there was one waiting for us in the kitchen sink and we knew it was going to be a good week...

...and it was.

Been thinking...

...about my girlfriends and how important they are to me and how they just spark my life.

A couple of weeks ago I went to have drinks with my ladies at the Chocolate Cafe. It is place that does chocolate everything and they have a small apertif area (BAR) and make the best chocolate martinis. They make a tequila martini with chocolate drizzle that is...well that is all you need to say "I am slowed down and this tastes good." We all got there one after the other and just fell into the conversation. Some of these women I have known for a few years, some of them are newer friendships.....but what I loved is that everyone just meshed. We all laughed so hard.

This group of people has energized me in so many ways.

I adore their company.

Going back....

...and reading previous posts is an interesting venture. One word keeps popping out at me. That word is sad.

I'm striving for gleeful...joyous...at the very least content. Sad needs to be banished.

My son...

...got crapped on in a relationship. The emotional part happened about three months ago. This was a three year relationship and they had been living together for a year and a half. My child called me at work and was sobbing...gut wrenching sobs. He had been blindsided by the breakup...specifically the words from her "I just need my space". He loved this woman with all of his being.

I met her. I liked her. We never spent much time together but anecdotes he had passed along made me think she got him....they got each other. This was good match.

He called me yesterday with a string of very, very bad day stuff. He got a call from the car people (the car is her name but he cosigned on) that two car payments were missed. Pay now or we repo the car (which is in another city). He called her...she was expecting a tax return (never rely on government timing) and had to pay rent instead. God love my child...he understood. He paid the car payment but then he also had a call from the gas company because that bill was late. He called to try and make arrangements but it was in her name so he didn't have any power to do negotiate. His gas got cut off. He was scrambling to pull things out....and it was a time that we couldn't offer much help financially. That makes me sad.

He wasn't asking for help. I just wanted to give it. He wished he had been prepared. Finances were part of their issues..as I understand, she hadn't really worked for awhile....he was trying to pick up the slack.

I just want my manchild to be happy.

Steam...

..I'm running out of it. I just need a week away from work. I get lucky and have two days off in a row next week...a luxury.

I have vacation coming...going to Hilton Head with a best friend first week of May. Have my short timer's calendar but not sure if I can make it til then. Just feel tired and drained...I work retail..well, that explains it.

Worried because I don't feel great...not bad just not great...don't think I have ever felt really great since my New Orleans pneumonia bout. If your boss comes to work with pneumonia...how can you not? Not a good precedent. Could be on the verge of a body crash and burn...looking forward to Sunday and Monday.

A friend told me....

..while talking about my desire to audition for "Streetcar" that she saw Blanche as a big woman...she wasn't really talking stature...she couldn't explain it. I think she was talking about presence of energy. Her comment was "You would have to find a differant take on the role". My comment was "I would be the tiny little moth flinging itself at the light bulb".

That is how I see Blanche.

Auditions are in August. She sits in the back of my head.

Watching...

the sky mottle with lavender pink clouds that are deciding if they want to become a storm. The clouds matched my mood today. I have felt so off balance and fragile all day long and working retail on a day when feeling so...well somebody is going to up in tears.

And I did. The good thing was that it happened in our backroom so I didn't feel like a total out of control lunatic. The bad thing is that it happened at all.

The best thing that happened today was that a woman who had never shopped with us before come in looking for things for a trip to Italy. She was open for suggestions so I chose some things for her to try on and she had at it. She came out of the dressing room and I could tell she was happy with the way the outfits were looking. I asked if she would try a belt. She said sure. I asked if I could put it around her (we are trained to ask so we don't invade personal space) and her reply was "Sure. It's always nice to be hugged." Her comment resonated with me because I often wonder when I am helping someone on with a jacket or tying on a scarf if this is the only physical contact this person will have today...the thought that could be true makes me very sad. She bought some new clothes and TWO belts and was happy when she left. She really did look chic in what she bought. I don't even remember how much she spent...and really didn't care...what was important to me was that she liked how she looked. I could see that on her face in the mirror. Thank you, Miss Susan, for reminding me I do like about my job.

The worst of the day...the divas were out in force this morning. I played Babe in "Crimes of the Heart". In the play, a cousin asks Babe why she had shot her husband and Babe's reply is "I just didn't like the way he looked." The first diva stormed our store and within five minutes of her arrival, I could beaten her severely about the head and shouldar area with a hanger and my response would have been Babe's. There was something about her that just instantly set my teeth on edge. She just stormed in and was announcing by her attitude that Ms. Coolness had arrived. Joyce, my co-assistant manager, stepped up to help her...she'd helped her before. Ms. Cool loudly announced that she wouldn't come in this store if it weren't for Joyce and Karen (another co-worker). So...did she not see me? Was she trying to make a point? Was she letting me know that I am shit in her view? Actually, she probably didn't see me because most of the time we are just ghosts... who if you ask customers when they are checking out... neglected them and never talked to them even though every single associate in the store asked them if they needed a dressing room, can I help you find something...blahblahblah. Many customers think they can treat us like shit because they are doing us a favor...they are spending money in our store.

What I regret about ever taking this job that I have a love/hate relationship with...is it has made me view people differantly. It has made me not like them so much.

That makes me sad.

Tis the Winter...

...of my discontent. It's just a nagging niggling feeling of...discontent. Best way to describe it is I feel like I am on some sort of cusp....some sort of change...just kind of out there whispering to me.

It's time to be creative...pick up my pencils and paint...get back on stage.

Need to motivate.

I had a great night....

...with two of my best ladies. We were at Molly's comfortable cozy nest with a fire in the fire place....an aside....brilliantly LOVE that there are APARTMENTS to be found in our area with WORKING fireplaces. We laughed until our faces hurt and so hard that...TMI (didn't but couda....y'all have been there).

We talked about so much...about work, about Frankie Tux PI...that was an in the moment thing that can't be translated but makes laugh after the fact...about the news, about everything.

About relationships.

Molly and I want to smack our friend John really hard upside the head to look at Toni. They would make a photo op couple but beyond that...they have so much in common. He doesn't see it because he is stuck on an ethereal looking woman who is socially inept and an intellectual snob. His comment about why it doesn't work is that they could never walk down the street and hold hands...just the rhythm never got in sync.

My Mum turns 80 in a few days. It shocked me. That means my Dad will be 86 in April. I think of them as invincible somehow. I think my Dad sees himself that way...I know he does on the golf course. It has so pissed him off in past months he has scored above his age. This has only been a recent occurrence but Jimmy ain't a happy man.

I have meandered...I have no closing...yes, I do. Tonight made think about relationships and how important they are. How important it is to make connections. I often wonder when I put a belt around someone if that is the only time that day that someone has a physical contact with them?

I'm a person big on hugging and kissing. My husband sometimes not so much. I tell him "Think of all the times when you wanted to have someone to kiss and hug and there was one there...well, I'm here". He gets it...it's good to make him think.

Things I have embraced today:
1. It is okay to go from you jammies to a bubble bath to your robe without any other major activity in your day. That was pretty much my day guilty and then...
2. Parked my butt in my robe on the Ikea chair enwrapped with the snuggy thing with arms (AS SEEN ON TV)...fell asleep to the hideous behaviours of thye women on "Bridezillas"
3. Bob kissed me and told me go have a good time with my girls. So I did.

I think today was everything I wished and didn't even know til looking back.

How true is that.

Triggers to your memory....

...can be so random. I just read an entry from a fellow blogger. She talked about the Vietnam Memorial and her visit there. It made me remember the feelings that I had when I was fortunate enough to be cast in the play "A Piece of My Heart". The plays deals with the Vietnam War from the womens perspective...the characters were nurses, USO dollies, a career Army officer and a USO entertainer (Mary Jo Kincaid from Texas...who I played). The play followed their experiences through the war and the turmoil of the years after.

I had grown up with the war as part of my landscape...it was on the nightly news every evening and it was...well...just there. When you're a kid you don't really understand that something you hear about everyday can be a horrible, devastating reality. If you hear about enough...it becomes a drone...background music.

My sister was of the age that friends from high school would have been drafted. I don't remember that any of her friends were but I was still in the childhood bubble. When I got to high school, the draft was done, the rumblings to get out were mighty, and US involvement was limping to an end. The situation never quite had hit home.

Flash forward 25+ years and I am cast in this show with a brilliant group of actresses...some of whom I had worked with and some not. We start into rehearsals and the rumblings about sending soldiers to Iraq has begun. Betsey's Dad had been in Nam and everything became intensely personal for her. We talked about the protesters holding candlelight vigils in the green on the way to rehearsals (and this is not a community that would have seemed to do such things) and just the trepidation...the fear.

The play was taken from interviews of women who had lived this...we had a responsabilty to these people. Each night at rehearsal, we immersed ourselves into these womens lives...their pain and their hope and their memories. We bonded into such a tight unit. We were all scared about what could happen if we went to war...yet it seemed so surreal to be doing a play about an unwanted war while facing the prospect of another.

The final scene of the play takes place at the Wall. The first time that we did the scene in performance...I GOT it. I understood somehow what it meant. I can't explain it better than that...I just somehow understood what it meant...how it changed the people who were in country forever and how those changes paid forward in so many ways. I can't even fathom what is for someone to actually be there at the wall and touch a name.

Thank you to my fellow blogger for being inspiring and reminding me.

Auditions...

...have been posted by the local theater companies. I have ignored them until recently. I miss acting. I miss the process...and I never thought I had a process but in coaching John...apparently I do.

In coaching John for "Inherit the Wind" it made me realize how I work as an actor. I have never really understood my process...that's not true. I work from the inside out. There has to be something in that character I recognize in myself....something I have to say. I wasn't trying to push that on John...he is always a man of questions...just wanting to help him embrace his virgin acting experience and know that it does MEAN something. You are making a connection. It matters.

I did "The Heidi Chronicles" years ago (played Heidi) and remember driving to the theater on opening night and just beginning to cry uncontroulibly My husband at the tine was cool about it ...knew me so well...it was what I needed. When we got to the theater, another of the actresses was on the floor in the bathroom with an icepack her nose...she got stress nosebleeds. Yes, we do suffer for art.

I am lucky to have done parts that have changed my life...have changed me. I found these women I played at the time I needed to play them. The parts I played have pushed me forward...helped me grow.

There is an audition coming up for "Streetcar Named Desire"...I know I'm too old and not pretty enough...but I KNOW Blanche. I had auditioned for the role once before...wasn't cast and it was a blessing. Could not have emotionally handled it.

I just want to audition...to prove to myself I still have my chops...still have my
nerve (I hate auditions)...

Still have something to say and willing to make my self heard

Haven't been here in a while...

...and have just read what I wrote in November. It is now January of 2010 and I feel so out of the loop about so much.

First off, I couldn't figure out why there was all this stuff about the decade...the past decade this...past decade that...until I finally noticed...2010...new decade. Time has just been swirling like the flush of a toilet. You just do what you do and then it's gone....swooosh.

I have been feeling depressed. I think that I need to make an appointment with my doctor and have little better living through chemistry. Don't know what has set this little bout off and wish I did. I keep thinking if I could only figure out that thing....

...but I do know what that thing is. I haven't felt creative in so long. I was so proud of Bob when he was doing "Inherit the Wind" and glad that I could help with costumes and so enjoyed coaching John...but I miss having my own voice. I can feel that tug at my soul...that need to express something...the need to communicate...to be heard. I feel like I have become a shadow of me...so many parts of me I am not engaging.

I remember years ago I did a show and one of the other cast members said to me "You have no idea of the power that you have." I remember just looking at her, gobsmacked. I don't think of me as powerful but that's because I am afraid of so many things. I learned at an early age that acting what you felt or not doing what others wanted led to humiliation and ridicule...best to avoid conflict. There was a moment many years back that I felt like I was coming into my self...that was the strongest I have ever felt in my life.

It bothers me more than I let him know that my husband does not want me to talk about work. I work retail...I work with women...there are problems and he's fix it kind of guy and I DO understand why he doesn't want to hear it...but I still need to talk about it. I know I get boring. When I blab about work, I'm trying to make my self heard.

I think that's it...I am feeling like I am not being heard.